Son excluded after meeting today. Was meant to be isolation. Feel sick about it

[FrostedOwl]

I dont really know where to start and sorry if this is a mess but ive just got home and my head is pounding. Had a meeting with school today about my son after an incident last week. At the time they said it would be an internal exclusion so isolation for a few days and we accepted that. I wasnt happy but i understood it and told him he’d messed up and that was that. Today’s meeting was meant to be a follow up and somehow it’s ended with him being formally excluded. Fixed term. I feel like the ground’s been pulled from under me. I keep going over the meeting in my head thinking did i miss something or did i say the wrong thing. Part of me is furious with him, part of me is angry at the school and part of me just feels like ive failed completely. Im trying to be calm but honestly im shaking typing this.

What the school said today (sorry this might be a bit long):

• the original incident was “more serious than first thought” even though nothing new has actually happened since last week
• they said his attitude in isolation wasnt good enough and he was “non compliant”
• apparently he walked out of a lesson earlier in the week when he was meant to be in isolation (i wasnt told at the time)
• they said theres a pattern of behaviour building and this exclusion is to “send a message”
• i was told they could escalate it and that they are within their rights to do so

He isnt an angel. I know that. But he also isnt violent or out of control and this feels like a big step. He’s also been school refusing on and off this term which i know doesnt help. Some mornings he just flat out refuses to go and says he cant be bothered or that theres no point. I do get him there most days but attendance isnt perfect and the school bring it up constantly like its all connected. Maybe it is, i dont know anymore.

Am i being unreasonable for feeling like this has been handled badly and too quickly or am i just defensive because its my child. I feel judged every time i walk into that building. Ive never posted on here before so sorry if ive done this wrong. I just dont know if im seeing this clearly or not.

I just wanted to say nice to see some actual parenting from you (compared to some other posts!)

I've been where you are, it is horrible and so difficult to know what to do for the best.

It sounds to me like you are doing a good job:

• talking to your son about what happened and why - understanding his perspective
• supporting the school irrespective of whether you feel they are right
• consequences at home for school refusal/bad behaviour

Year 9 and aged 14 is the most hideous age - ask any teacher which is the most difficult year. Try not to fret too much or take the bad behaviour personally.

They wont permanently exclude him for this sort of behaviour, partly because PEX is a massive PITA for them. It is a good opportunity to talk about how you just have to play the game sometimes for an easy life - good lesson to learn for sports teams, future work opportunities, dealing with any authority.

Deep breaths, hang in there, this too shall pass. x

Can you clarify

has he been temporarily suspended or permanently excluded?

a suspension for this behavior is totally normal IMO

They put him in isolation and he misbehaved. They have escalated the punishment quite rightly.

Also insane to see that you have all mostly diagnosed him with neurodivergence of some kind or another despite never meeting him! Kids can just be disrespectful you know they haven’t all got a diagnosis in waiting!

He should be provided with some work during suspension period.

I’ve been a teacher for over 15 years, and I’ve been in situations where students have sworn at me and refused to leave the room. Every single one was excluded.

Why should teachers have to tolerate abuse like that?

Also, a male teenage student can often be larger and stronger than a female staff member. Do you understand how intimidating it is for them to get aggressive and refuse to leave? The risk of other students piling in? I have felt my physical safety be threatened many times, a few times while I was heavily pregnant.

I absolutely hate what teaching has become and I’m sick of people like the OP trying to minimise her son’s actions because of his anxiety. What about the teacher’s anxiety at being verbally abused and having to deal with an aggressive teenager. Why doesn’t their mental health matter!?

Blergh, I wish I hadn’t read this thread tonight. I’m so thankful that I’m at a good school now that doesn’t put up with this crap from students or their enabling parents.

Im going to answer a few things together because theres a lot being repeated now.

Its a fixed term exclusion / suspension whatever people want to call it. Three days. Theres a reintegration meeting booked. No previous external exclusions.

The swearing was directed at the teacher. Im not going to write it out but it wasnt a muttered ffs. I know thats important context and yes i understand why that makes it more serious. Im not pretending otherwise.

His dad is around. We’re on the same page about backing the school and consequences. This isnt me on my own wringing my hands and excusing everything.

I dont think exclusion is some magic fix and i still dont think it works brilliantly for kids who already dont want to be there, but i accept now why in this case it happened. I can accept that and still think theres more underneath that needs dealing with or we’ll just be back here again in six months.

Im not asking the school to go easier on him or to undo it. Thats done. What im planning to ask for is support alongside the sanctions. Mentoring, SEN screening, whatever they think is appropriate. Because if the message is just behave or else, history suggests that wont stick on its own.

At home hes lost tech, hes doing school work, hes bored and hes not enjoying this. He is embarrassed. Not cool embarrassed, actual ashamed embarrassed. Ive made it very clear that this isnt the schools fault and that his actions led to this. Im not criticising the school to him and im not riding in like a warrior mum to rescue him.

Some of the comments about him being a future criminal or expelled or unemployable are a bit much. Hes 14, not 34. Im trying to stop this becoming a pattern, not write him off.

Anyway i think ive got what i needed from this thread now. Im calmer than i was at 6.45. Ive got a plan for the next few days and the meeting. I know not everyone agrees with me and thats fine.

You said he isnt out of control and go on for post after post stating ways he is out of control.

The thing is you and your son rely on everyone else turning up on time, following the rules and doing their work. If the cleaner didn't show up to clean the toilets, all the children behaved like your son, the teachers arrived late and pissed about and the school chef stormed out, the whole place would have to close down and the staff would all be sacked. You expect the rest of the school community to stick to the rules and the behaviour policy but you don't expect your son to. Why? What makes him more special than the other children and the school staff?

So if the swearing was directed at the teacher, what was said?

'If id known him walking out of isolation was such a big deal'

What on earth made you think it wasn't a big deal?

I’m glad now you’ve calmed down some that you can appreciate his behaviour has been worthy of escalating the punishment. Hopefully this will teach him a lesson about consequence.
I have to agree with the above poster - he DOES sound rather out of control. Can you imagine swearing at a teacher!? Refusing to leave a classroom!? Storming out of isolation!? Refusing to attend school!? That’s out of control, OP.
You sound like a good mum and I hope he grows from this.

Yep. I spent years teaching teenaged boys who had real difficulties behind their behaviours.
But equally there are boys of that age (and girls) who are just damn difficult.

Everyone on Mumsnet knows that teenagers can be obnoxious, and that they can be a pain in the neck at home too. But when they're obnoxious at school, suddenly they're poor little souls who are misunderstood, according to many on this thread.

OP has said that he's doing well academically and there's no SEN. He's being unpleasant at home as well. So yes, it sounds more like he's pushing the boundaries and not accepting authority figures at school, just because.

Im glad you feel calmer op.

Make the most of the reintegration meeting so its constructive and good luck.

Was it an "expulsion" though? I got the impression it was a "fixed term exclusion", but I'm not a school governor, so all I've got to go on is the actual words the OP used.

I think people wear different hats for their various roles rather than "heads" 😄

@FrostedOwl but it is already a pattern of behaviour which has been going on since last academic year?! You're enabling him which is enabling him.

Ok he’s been suspended for swearing at a teacher, as well as some other disruptive behaviour

why are you questioning this?

Seems like a totally reasonable response from
the school

Your boundaries and punishments at home are too soft. He sounds very rude, oppositional and unpleasant swearing so openly at a teacher, walking out of isolation etc. Crack down now or you’ll regret it.

Good luck OP, this sounds really hard for all of you. I hope you are taking the time to look after you. Also remember that in all of this he is just a child who has made a mistake and all behaviour tells a story of what is going on inside . This is just a blip . Personally I think that 3 days is excessive and I’d be pushing for this to be reduced

Truancy and school refusal are two different things

This is very well said.

And spot on.

This boy sounds like a total pain in the back end. A bully. Threatening. Nasty. Plain nasty.

It's up to the parents - where is the father???? - to deal with this type of behaviour. Being angry with the school equals bloody awful parenting...

This boy is nasty. End of. I'd be ashamed of he was my son. I'd never have the sheer brass to criticise the school.

Why? You don't know what he said to the teacher. Swearing covers a multitude of possibilities, and OP has not answered the posters who asked what he said. You also don't know what his demeanour was like and what he said when he stormed out of the isolation room.

Three days might well be absolutely fair.

OP, you might not be reading any more, and I wouldn't blame you.

You're doing a great job. You are reinforcing the consequence of his repeated actions by preventing it being enjoyable. You are talking to him and listening to him. You aren't excusing him but are looking for ways through this difficult patch.

If things have already escalated from swearing at a teacher and walking out of class etc, then he walks out of isolation, then the next step is a fixed term exclusion. If you went to work and were sworn at, disrespected and undermined, people on here would tell you to go to a union and take things further. School staff are expected to tolerate all sorts of abuse and it is not acceptable. If this behaviour continues, his next step might be a managed move. Ask him if this is what he wants. He might think other students are impressed by his behaviour, but they won’t be.