First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

You're being completely ridiculous.
And you should have met him for a quick coffee weeks ago.

Well, no. I’m not going to meet someone I’ve met on Instagram for a coffee without getting to know them first. Why would I put myself in that situation?

It seems you're more bothered about the venue than meeting him which doesn't cast you in a good light either.

Also, texting 24/7 and emotional sharing before you've even met is way too full on!

I don’t think it’s a very good idea to make the first date so high stakes. The point is surely to see how you get on in rl, not to have a special expensive night out for which a new outfit is needed.

I’d ditch the whole date tbh. It’s just a mistake and if you’re this intolerant this guy will never meet your expectations.

So you had a break down in communication and now you don't want to date the guy? Just because you can't go where you want to go?

Am I from a different time in that it's just a restaurant, you can go another time and really will you appreciate the place given it's a first date?

The reason this place was chosen was because during talking we’d both expressed how we like the finer things in life.

if I eat out multiple times a week (as does he) why wouldn’t you want a first date to be a bit special? I’m not going somewhere I’d go on a Tuesday afternoon and calling it an occasion

I am sure there's more than one nice place for food. Casual is better for a first date. You are not lowering standards - fancier isn't necessarily better- and you are showing him you are adaptable , which should be one of the top qualities he is looking for in a date if he's smart.

You're not getting to know someone by the exchange of text messages and phone calls. You should arrange a coffee date or even just a walk, for the first meeting, to see if there's any chemistry, before arranging a big night out like you want.

Well, quite. Which is why I’m annoyed that the suggestions aren’t like for like!

I disagree as does he that casual is better for a first date. It’s about making a first impression and we’ve both agreed this. Which is why I feel annoyed. If he was a casual type I wouldn’t be the slightest bothered by it - but why talk the talk if you don’t genuinely walk the walk?

Why would you talk ‘24/7’ and share ‘emotionally’ with somebody you have never met and keep putting off meeting them?

The ‘talking stage’ should be quick then lead to a short real life meet up for coffee or a drink then followed up with a proper date if you hit it off.

I would expect a first date to be very casual - quick coffee, maybe lunch at a push. Easy to escape from if it goes badly.

I wouldn't dream of going somewhere posh for a first date, you don't know the guy.

If that's genuinely how you feel then you should tell him. You're at the stage of getting to know if each other is a good fit, and if this is the sort of thing that puts you off a man, and these are the type of things that you prioritise, he really needs to know, so he can decide if you are the sort of woman who's right for him.
Its all very well being 'a princess' if that's what you want, but it does rely on a man being willing to play along. Best you both know now if he isn't.
(Although, sonetimes they pretend they are in the early days, then stop once the novelty of you has worn off. So he may do a little pandering for now.)

Sounds like you want a date with the venue not the guy.

Maybe he’s the one dodged the bullet!

Yeah cancel it now. Save him the bother.
You're more interested in where you're going than seeing him.

What’s the situation? Surely it’s much preferable to have a coffee/quick drink in a pub to see if you fancy each other than potentially waste a whole evening (both time and money) if you don’t feel the spark.

Somewhere relaxed seems so much better. Maybe I’m a cheapskate, but I certainly wouldn’t be spending money on a new outfit and fancy dinner and drinks with someone I haven’t met. What if it’s really boring and awkward? At least with a bar or coffee shop you can be a bit more spontaneous. If it’s going well you can make a night of it, if not, say goodbye and go home. But, I much prefer something fun and a planned and seeing how things go, I’ve had the nights out through that, not in a stuffy restaurant (although a lot of the spontaneous nights have ended up at fancy restaurants!).

I appreciate that’s how you like to date. But by the same appreciation, I don’t. Which is relevant in this case. The guy feels the same.

I would take offence to somebody wanting to see me so casually with such lack of effort. For me, dating is completely about making effort to pursue someone.

I usually do what I can to see both sides in these kind of situations but to answer your question, yes you are being a princess. This clearly isn’t going to go anywhere (for either of you) so I wouldn’t bother carrying on trying to work out a place to go. Just call it quits now.

This!

I think it’s all a bit messy tbh, I’d just leave it and stay mates 😬😬

I agree though that I am not a fan of the idea of a coffee date first - I’d prefer a nice restaurant x

I can kind of see it both ways; If you are/were keen to meet him, does it matter where? If you’re looking for something long term it’s not
all going to be fancy restaurants is it? But that leads me to the other side of the coin; If he can’t even get a restaurant booking right at this point when he should be trying to impress you, is he going to remember basic shopping you ask him to bring home/whether it’s his turn to cook/stay in with the DC?
You only have to surf MN a few minutes to see how much tension these things can cause on a relationship.

You sound hard work to be honest. It sounds like you're both full of hot air trying to impress each other. I also think choosing to "share emotionally" with someone you've not even met is a much stranger choice than meeting someone from Instagram for a (very public) coffee. And he's probably insecure because you keep brushing off his requests to meet.

Have you actually suggested an alternative restaurant that you would be happy to go to, or is it all on him?

This all sounds so unnecessarily dramatic and intense.

Are you expecting him to pay for your first date or split the bill?

FWIW I do think you are behaving like a princess when you have never met IRL.
And the fact he wants to treat you like one, never having met you would ring alarm bells to me.