First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Have you atleast face timed him? Talking over text is not the same as meeting someone in real life. Imagine how awkward it would be if you realised you weren’t compatible and still had a whole 4 course meal ahead of you.

not at all. I said from the get go I’d like to wait. I don’t rush in to dates.

it’s not sugar daddy as I provide this life for myself. Yes I am high maintenance, but it’s me that does the maintaining. He knows this, hes heavily pursued me already knowing this. So im not going to act like im not to appease somebody new

Ok, well it definitely sounds like he’s lost interest a bit, especially if you had offered to take him out! He sounds a bit old fashioned, and the type to play games, especially if he thinks you’re coming across a bit keen. You don’t need someone like that.

Whilst your idea of a first date is not like like mine at all, I think it’s important to be on the same wavelength. I think you’ll be able to find someone who fits you better, I wouldn’t waste time or money on this.

Why? That’s exactly how I’d want to meet someone I’d met on instagram that I don’t know. I’d rather be in a casual coffee shop I can leave after 20 minutes and £5 if I don’t like him, rather than in a high end restaurant where I’m trapped for 2 hours and have to pay £100s… and I’m all for dressing up and going to nice places.

Yes. He has FaceTimed me every opportunity he’s had which has been excessive tbh. At first it was nice but it’s become an expectation for multiple hours a day now

I can't understand you delaying for a month before going on a first date. All this "talking" online just gets too intense, and gives a feeling of being in a relationship when you haven't even met. Years ago you'd meet someone while out, have a chat and he'd ask you out. Then you go on your first date. It makes a lot more sense.

Well, you are definitely being a princess. But it’s probably a good thing he finds that out now before it’s too late.

If he’s making a big deal about it being the man’s role and then not following through YANBU to be annoyed, but also, run a mile from attitudes like that.
I agree with pp who said internet dating isn’t right for you. You’re not managing your expectations sensibly.

This!

He’s throwing money at her to sleep with her. This will be over in a few months, at most. OP, aren’t you intrinsically valuable, no matter what the bill costs or how instagram-worthy the background is?

Cancel. For his sake. You sound pretty awful.

Ok but it’s not years ago so that’s not really helpful nor my question.

chatting is where you find out each others likes and dislikes, expectations, life goals etc. that’s what I want to know before I decide if we’re compatible for a date because I value my time. All of which has matched which is why I’m now annoyed that its been poorly planned and lacked effort

Gosh, he has dodged a bullet.

It all sounds a bit much for a first date, and I too love the finer things, but I will agree with you, he sounds like a right twit if he can't even manage to book a restaurant without messing up.

If you feel inclined to ditch someone because they made a mistake booking a restaurant then obviously that’s your prerogative. I think most people would consider it a massive overreaction though.

Try watching The Good Life and re-evaluate. Good luck.

You’re over investing, OP. It’s unwise to do with OLD and it’s certainly a bad idea to message 24/7 and talk about your emotions and your dreams. You have no idea if this man is a suave and sophisticated gent with a high income who likes the finer things in life. He’s a stranger. He could have told you all kinds of nonsense and turn out to be the complete opposite of your expectations.

If you want to cancel over a restaurant booking that your prerogative, you can cancel for whatever reason you want, but all this fuss is just another example of your over investment in the situation and shows that you’re quite vulnerable rather than “knowing your worth.”

ETA: FaceTiming you at every opportunity? You have to see that this is a massive red flag on his part. Cancel the date because of all this rubbish, the booking is not the problem you’re going to have with this one.

Yes I think this is exactly it. It’s the fact he’s set an expectation and hasn’t followed it through. I did think it was a slight red flag about the man’s role too.

ive just called him to say the new plans don’t work for me and he did a sulky baby voice and said he’s sorry he feels like he’s failed me and what can he do to make it up.

I’ve royally got the ick but I do feel he’s emotionally invested so I feel bad

Because otherwise how do you expect to get to know them unless you want to do it over text constantly? the quicker you get off text meet face-to-face the better then you can cut and run if it doesn't go how you want it to

Your preferences are up to you. I agree with others who say quick casual date. To me the first date is to see if there is a physical attraction. The rest is to see what type of person they are and if you align (assuming you want something ling term). The standards I set through my behaviour on dates 2+. So for example if someone cancels last minute/pulls that - I will say no problem, let me know what other plans you have I am available on x,y,z date/time. Ball is in their court.

Whats the point of a fancy date? Unless you’ve had them on a video call you can easily be ghosted/cat fished. That is harder to navigate on a fancy date than if you had a coffee at the local cafe.

This sounds like much more of an issue to me than the restaurant cock up.

He's saying all the right things to you but can't actually back them up with actions, so I'd not be going out with him. Talk is cheap and you're not wrong to want a nice first date. It does sound rather high pressure to me, but it's what he signed up for.

Oh God.
Honestly this is utterly messed up behaviour when you haven’t even met each other.

This is exactly it! Thank you

if he's facetiming you multiple times a day, for hours at a time, has he even got a job? If he's on benefits, then the poor chap can't afford a fancy restaurant, can he?

So just cancel and find someone else, if it's so easy, who meets your exacting standards.

I'm thrilled when I see a post from a woman who knows what she wants. I don't even mind that it's financially motivated! Having been married to a skint bum, I have financial standards too, these days. But all this 'princess' chat is just gross. You're either a self-maintaining, hard working woman, or you're a princess. I don't think you can conceivably be both. Pick one.

Also:
OP: AIBU?
Majority: Yes
OP: No, I'm not
Everyone: Ok then...🙄