First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Ooooooh no! Why would you do that to yourself? What if he’s awful in real life? Then you’re stuck in this 3 hour meal wearing your best outfit - that you bought to impress him!

When I did OLD I did something similar - got on great online but face to face what I thought of as his incisive wit was actually just catty bitching. He went on and on like a stuck record - I thought my ears were bleeding at one point. After that all dates were a coffee or a drink and the second date was more likely to be dinner.

Everyone has their own standards but 4 weeks without even a coffee is highly overzealous......what if you dont find him sexually attractive?? Thats what a quick coffee date within a week of chatting is for. May find youve spent 4 weeks over sharing for nothing....

I have never liked the term "geriatric millennial" but this post makes me feel so old, maybe I deserve it! I really don't see why you wouldn't just meet someone, rather than talking online for ages and going somewhere fancy.
OK, maybe I am just old. But none of us oldies, who met in the noughties back when we were warned against meeting strangers online, actually had friction/arguments before the first date. I quite liked the getting to know someone stage too.

I don't understand how you mess up booking a restaurant? What does that even mean?

I think he's just full of it and actually can't afford to take you to this place so has 'accidentally' messed up the booking and is hoping you'll settle for something cheaper. Or he doesn't want to pay to take you somewhere expensive when it might not go anywhere. Either way I think he's all talk and has just been telling you what you wanted to hear.

The thing is, I can provide for myself. I do provide for myself.

I have met someone on Instagram who has pertained to be compatible with me in a financial, travel, and intellectual level. Who has described their taste for being expensive and liking to splurge.

i have spent my life substituting my other half and my friends (which I have posted about multiple times and been told I’m a mug and I’m too generous) so these comments about me being materialistic are laughable. Im not out for what I can get, but yes absolutely it’ll be a welcome change to be with someone who can spoil me in ways which I spoil others and also who has the same expensive taste. My issue has came from promising this lovely date then fucking it up, then not making an effort to meet the original standard.

if it was set out from the offset they’re a casual person who didn’t like to go all out and they were compatible with me in other ways then yes I would likely give them a chance (like my exes) however that is not what’s happened here

Persue him then - book somewhere nice.
Or, are you the only prize to be won?
I'd actually wonder if he's all talk and didn't try to book the original venue. Might he not be as flash/well off as he pretends?
If so red flag for the flannel.

I don’t think it matters whether it’s a Michelin star restaurant or McDs - the point is that if someone is saying that they want to take you to a Michelin star place and then they backtrack and suggest Wetherspoons instead, they sound ridiculous (and fake). That’s a red flag.

It does depend on the proposed substitute, though.

So tell him you are annoyed and you want to dine in either restaurant X or restaurant Y. Wanting to be treated as a princess doesn't actually stop you from naming some options.
So much angst over nothing, I just don't get it ..

Why don’t you suggest somewhere else then?

there is nothing wrong with having high standards but …

You haven’t met him
but been messaging each other for a month and it's all very intense
and your going to go somewhere very nice and posh for a dinner date

what if he is awful slurps his soup and uses the wrong cutlery 😂 what if he isn’t 6ft 2 but 5-6 tall what if he talks with his mouth full or is rude to the waiters

you’ve wasted 4 weeks of your life your never gonna get back

and the baby voice ugh that alone would send me running to the hills

How do you get to know someone if you don't meet them in person? Coffee, as suggested by someone previously, is a much better idea than dinner. If you are not keen on them (or vice versa), you don't need to sit through a possible 3 courses and able yo escape quickly! If you like them, then make plans for dinner.

No, I insisted the end of the month and he kept amending in the hopes I’d do sooner. I’ve said this date from the get go

am I being a princess?

Yes.

You sound incredibly self-obsessed and shallow.

Anyone who gets in a strop over 'having had their nails done' and the venue was changed afterwards is a princess.

Obviously if you go to a 3* Michelin restaurant, there is only one direction after that.

I hope he sees through your shallowness and runs.

He’s not real. Unless he’s over 70.

How did he 'mess up the booking'? Either he booked it or he didn't. If there was no availability for that day and you only just found out it means he never bothered to even try to book it in the first place. Else he would've said and offered other times they did have free. But also he clearly didn't want you to make the booking. Very odd.

I think it indicates he probably couldn't really afford it or thought it too expensive for a first date. But didn't have the balls to say that up front.

To me that shows already you're not very compatible. Or he's not very honest/extremely flaky. Or he's broke.

It's not an over 70 thing.

Stop the ageism please

Men and women over 70 were the first wave of feminism.

We burnt our bras.

You are being a Princess and you acknowledge that. Also assuming you mean subsidising and not substituting? This whole scenario actually gives me the ick. The importance you are putting on a fancy first date rather than just meeting up. It's all very style over substance. Why do women actually want to be 'treated like a princess' anyway? It's all very weird to me. I'm clearly too old for all this new dating malarkey!

Chuffing hell.

Go to somewhere more casual the first time meeting ideally late afternoon for a drink, you then can go on somewhere if it’s working out. Second date book the fancy restaurant (third date cook for him )

100% agree and im sorry but men like an equal and someone down to earth , its all game playing hes probably dating lots of girls and yes he will want expect sex especially if hes silly enough to pay for dinner,.she wants to be pursued but theres hundreds of lovely girls online who are not playing games...yes men like beautiful women but game playing no

I can’t even begin to imagine how unnecessarily stressful your life is tbh, but yes, obviously if this stuff upsets you, cancel, it’s your life, and he should know what he’s in for if he wants to date you.

Id imagine that you ‘subsidising’ your ex and then complaining about him to your friends could look like you insisting on activities he couldn’t afford to other people.

Well, no. I’m not going to meet someone I’ve met on Instagram for a coffee without getting to know them first. Why would I put myself in that situation?

I had to read this twice to make sure it wasn't a typo.

It is perfectly normal to meet a new date for coffee.

That is how you get to know them In fact- it's WHY people put themselves in that very situation.

Not over a 'fine dining' experience where you both waste huge amounts of cash if you can't stand the sight of each other.

He’s sounds like the sort to be into love bombing people and then stoping at the point they have to meet future faker

I bet if you said ok sure we can go to Xxplace he would have another excuse to cancel

he likes the chase the high he gets off doing this is what he gets off on

and have you checked with the restaurant that the day / time you want to go isn’t available

If the date doesn't come off for any reason, I suspect the pair of them will have escaped a bullet.

It's the OP who was dragging it out rather than meeting for a coffee early on.

She doesn't do coffees. Just fine dining.