First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Thank you! Thank you for actuallly comprehending what I mean by this post.

he knows this, and has expressed he thinks the same as me. Which is why I’m annoyed. It’s like setting an expectation you can’t meet sort of thing. And I do like nice places so yes it’s important to me.

combine that with him outright saying he wants to treat me like a princess, you can see why I’m confused

Why are you talking 24/7 to someone you've never met. Who wants a man with that much time on his hands? You are projecting and it will only ever lead to disappointment.

Thank you. I agree. It’s the lack of effort and planning. Especially after so much talk of how much he’d like to do for me

Quick coffee all the way.

I did OLD and a couple of times chatted to people for over a week before we met up, thought we had a great connection... in person it was clear we didn't.

Not much time, money or effort wasted.

Treat me like a princess 🤢

OP, you are coming across as a precious, pretentious princess. Seems like your expectations will never be met

I think you’re both being ridiculous.

He’s ready to ‘give you the world’- eh? Without even meeting you first? Sounds deranged.

You’re buying outfits specifically for meeting him etc etc, waaay to overinvested. Without even meeting him first.

This to me has all the hallmarks of ‘twin flame’ and ‘soulmates’ and all that BS. Be careful. He is lovebombing you.

Sounds like you are more in an "escort-mode" than looking for true love @Brummytobites . I do hope my two ds will know to give wide birth to women like yourself.

To me, it sounds as if this man is good at talking the talk, about lifestyle/the finer things in life, @Brummytobites, but now it’s a reality, he’s realised he can’t afford it.

If you like everything else you know about him, would it be a deal breaker if he couldn’t afford to take you to more expensive places? And might it be worth meeting up with him for a more casual date, to see if you do like him? You have invested time and effort in getting to know him, so isn’t it worth one casual date before you decide he’s not for you? You can get to know someone just as well over coffee and a cake as you can over a 7 course tasting menu, imo.

Worst case you go for a casual date and decide he’s not for you - I don’t think that is a disaster. And you’ll still have the lovely new outfit for some other occasion.

With online dating it's a very good idea to meet ASAP to get a vibe feel, check you're not being catfished etc before wasting time getting to know them. Virtual conversations tell you very little and a brief face to face will tell you a huge amount.

A quick coffee in a public place is perfect, what's wrong with that? Do you think it's dangerous? What am I missing

I think you’re both being ridiculous.

He’s ready to ‘give you the world’- eh? Without even meeting you first? Sounds deranged.

You’re buying outfits specifically for meeting him etc etc, waaay to overinvested. Without even meeting him first.

This to me has all the hallmarks of ‘twin flame’ and ‘soulmates’ and all that BS. Be careful. He is lovebombing you.

I think you’re right. I would definitely slack it off. Doesn’t sound like either of you have made much effort despite saying it’s what you both like. Sounds like you both have lost interest a bit.

FGS going for coffee in a public place isn't quite the same as meeting up in a hotel room. is it?

I would always buy a new outfit. It’s not over investment I’d do this if I was going to dinner with friends or a night out.

I am wary of love bombing though.

for those saying I’m pretentious (lol) I’ve already stated yes I have expensive taste and I am capable of providing that for myself. This guy is an extremely high earner has has expressed the same taste and likes. Of course I don’t want to date somebody who doesn’t have the same taste as me! But he’s told me he has which is why I’m annoyed

Just a wee bit too much for a first date.

You can't get to know someone like that though. Rule of thumb is to meet them quickly for a coffee and see if there's anything there. Then you plan the proper date. You build a picture in your head when you do it online/phone and it never matches up to RL.

Tbh you sound a bit hard work, no wonder the poor buggers all nerves now.

This. I certainly wouldn't be sharing emotions or whatever with a complete stranger.

I'm surprised he hasn't ran a mile. What do you think you are doing?

You are not unreasonable to stick to the standards that you have set for yourself. Those standards do make you seem rather high maintenance and spoiled, though.

It all sounds a bit 'sugar daddy' when you typed that he has told you he wants to treat you like a princess... bleurgh

So, why bother posting about it if you are happy with your own standards and think YANBU?

Sorry to drip feed but I have also suggested multiple times that I arrange the date and booking. He’s insisted he’d do it as it’s the man’s role to plan a first date and “spoil somebody”. So it’s not through lack of my own trying.

Is it all his fault though? Did you keep changing the arrangements? Seems harsh to me.

Also setting up a massive fancy night out new dress etc for someone you have not actually met feels a bit bonkers. You might recoil at the sight of him in the flesh! Why not have a low-key meeting first and see if there's any chemistry?

The more you say, the more I think online dating isn't the right fit for you. It sounds as if you have built this man up to be the perfect person and you are going to be so disappointed when he doesn't measure up to your exacting standards. Increase your social circle and meet your next boyfriend organically, it's probably for the best.

If anyone should be getting the ick it’s him.

I’d have the ick at a guy I ‘met’ on instagram who was intensely messaging me 24/7 and tell me he wants to treat me like a princess. Which princess? Princess Di? You seem overly invested in some random bloke who likes to talk big.

Presumably you're going on a date to see if you get on with this bloke so why should the destination matter? It's his company you're assessing, not whether or not you're going to a fancy place for dinner.