Husband left his friends who I don’t know alone in our house with our 6 month old

[28loloie]

So I’m not sure if I’m over reacting.

DD is 6 months old, I haven’t left her alone with anyone properly yet, I’ve left her with DH while I go a walk but the longest I’ve been away from her until yesterday was maybe an hour.

Yesterday I went to brunch without DD for a few hours, it was my friends birthday and I really wanted to go. DH said he would have DD and invited a few of his friends who I don’t know super well (they live in the city so we don’t meet them often) to keep him company.

I got back yesterday afternoon, his friends were still there. I asked how everything had gone and DH told me he had to nip out for an hour as his little sister needed dropped to A&E, so he left DD with his friends. Apparently she was fine. 1 of his friends is female, 2 were male. He reckons he was gone for just over an hour and his friends said that they gave her a bottle but other than that she was happy just getting cuddled.

We have never left DD with someone who wasn’t me or DH before. I always figured our parents would be the first people we left DD with. I don’t know these friends and while I’m sure it was fine, I can’t feel certain that they are good people. DH thinks I’m over reacting, she was perfectly safe. I feel he made a unilateral decision which could have been easily avoided if he just took DD with him.

AIBU to feel he shouldn’t have done this.

So would you leave your baby with your best friend?

This

Not did the baby's father. He'd known these people all his life ( longer than his wife) so how can they be strangers

Weird take. His friends have probably been asking to meet up, but he has a baby and is a responsible father. So he said "actually, would it be okay if you came over mine, it's easier as all baby's stuff is here, why don't you come Saturday as I'm home alone and have no plans". This is a perfectly normal thing to do and the kind of thing I did all the time when mine were babies.

Yes but human babies are almost unique amongst mammals in that they are actually very good at separating from primary care givers from an early age. In humans extended family have always cared for babies. Secure attachment literally involves being able to separate from the primary caregiver without too much distress and then also being happy and pleased when they return.

Why? What do you think they are going to do? Paedophiles make the headlines but are not the norm. These were friends!

It’s not a double standard. If DH was the primary carer for the baby, had never been out without her and was anxious about leaving her for the first time then yes, I’d say he would be justified in being upset about this too if the roles were reversed.

So what do you suggest should have happened about the 11 year old with two broken bones?

I do feel that being primary carer is not as relevant as you feel it is. Is the DH equally her parent? Does he have parental authority? If so, then he should be able to make decisions regarding the welfare of his child in the same way that OP can.

OP has decided that she doesn't like being away from baby - fine, that's her choice. DH made a reasonable and rational decision in the moment as a parent. That's equally as valid.

We infantalise men in respect of their ability to make decisions as parents and then complain when they act like infants when it comes to parenting.

Shoe on the other foot, if the OP had left DD with her childhood friends for an hour to resolve an emergency while DH was off out with his mates and DH had kicked off, it would be a bloodbath on here as to what a twat he is.

DH is a parent, so is OP. There is no order of hierarchy.

Primary carer?

She has two primary carers because she lives with both of them.

Primary carer?
The child has two equal parents. There shouldn’t be a hierarchical decision making process.

I accept that the OPs anxiety about leaving her baby is understandable.

But the solution to that is not to allow that anxiety to perpetuate two-tier parenting, it's to adapt to trust her DH and allow him to make (responsible, safe) decisions solo.

I also think the fact there were 3 of them including a woman makes a massive difference. It probably shouldn't but to me that's a much safer situation than leaving a baby with a lone male. In fact it makes it so safe that I think it's ridiculous to be worried. If it had been 1 male friend who didn't have kids I could understand the discomfort (that'd probably be fine too, but I would find it easier to understand why the mum might be uneasy)

(No shade on single males - I'd leave my kids with my child free, single brother in a heartbeat - and would have 100% trust in him (not least because he looked after me often enough as a kid) - but statistically the risk would be higher if looked at on a population level)

I don’t mean that the baby doesn’t have two parents, but it’s not a stretch to assume that OP has been on maternity leave and has been looking after the baby more than her DH, which therefore means she’s more anxious to leave her alone for the first time.

I suggested he could have taken the baby with him. And told OP so she was aware and could come home early, which she said she would have happily done.

Clearly I have a different opinion to some posters here, there isn’t a right or wrong answer, but what I’m saying is I understand why OP feels upset about this.

And I think we can all empathise with that anxiety. However, that doesn’t mean her husband wasn’t capable of making a decision about childcare in an emergency situation. It also doesn’t mean he made a poor decision either.

Maybe since this was the first time she'd been out without the baby, he was reluctant to call her to come home. He had willing, capable people who he trusted there to watch the baby, which they did, with no problem. I get being anxious leaving the baby, but everything was fine, which should have assuaged the anxiety.

The baby was massively safer at home with 3 known adults than in a car on a busy road with a driver who is possibly distracted by a sobbing and in pain relative. Who would also be more uncomfortable squashed in beside a car seat. Baby could also get upset by crying making driving even harder. He def made the best decision imo

So the child with two broken bones in the back of a car with the baby in her car seat. And if for some reason the man’s mother needs help getting the girl into A&E he has to take the baby with him? Right. And all because the baby’s mother might have been a little irrationally anxious. Wow. Some people have very warped priorities.

I would probably have offered to run the sister to A and E if I were one of the friends. Seems more sensible for the baby to remain with a parent and a friend help with the emergency.

Oh God don't suggest a simple solution, the girl with the 'multiple broken bones' <an arm and a collar bone> would have apparently been screaming non stop and would have needed 'emotional and physical support', not just some paracetamol and instructions to sit still.
Far better to leave a baby who for reasons the op and her dh had agreed on, had never been left with unfamiliar faces before..

Such fertile imaginations!

That would have also been a good solution.
Doesn’t mean the one Dad chose was a bad solution though.