He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

He wants you to have another kid as a way of controlling you

Teaching Assistants are badly paid but tend to love their jobs. He is probably paying 10 percent plus into local government pension scheme as well. Good in long run. Not so much in short term. So he loves kids and wants another. Good for him. It's time for a cold hard wave of reality to wash over this man. Get out the spreadsheet and keep bashing away at those numbers until he begins to understand reality. I would be tempted to pay for a financial advisor who might actually get through to him. Watch your birth control lady and hold onto that career. You we certainly need it as your child grows and needs stuff.

He loves kids so much he avoids his current child? 😂 This makes no sense

No. We always read about the woman pushing her husband for another child, but it's not always that way round, and it is never ok. It has to be 2 definite yes votes to consider having a baby. It isn't just about money, you never know how birth/recovery will go, and getting babysitters for one child is much easier than more.

That sums up a situation that he cannot change even if he was the best husband father in the world.
His actions will not affect how you interpret or manage your feelings to your career.

I agree with ReadingCrimeFiction.
He's making his role sound more important than it is, and voluntarily staying 2 hours longer than he needs to, to support the 'important job' fiction.
Whilst at the same time belittling your role and bad-mouthing your colleagues.
And demanding another child, as everything will magically work out.

He really is quite an unpleasant character, and if I were you I would be thinking very seriously about all of this, and what I wanted mid/long term.

He is avoiding spending time with the child he already has, and adding to your mental and physical workload by making you do the school pickups during your working day. That's a really shitty thing to do.

If you decide you want to stay with him, then it's cards on the table time.
Hours of paid work plus money earnt listed for both partners.
Child care requirements listed, with times.
Household tasks listed.
Allocate everything fairly, see how that goes for a few months, at least 6. Then consider whether you can manage/afford another child. Then whether you actually want one.

As a PP said, two children is substantially much more work than one. Don't do it unless you REALLY want to. And are prepared to have to do it largely on your own, if your marriage ends.

Good luck. 💐

Definitely picking up on the covert narcissist vibes here too.
He either wants another kid to control you/keep you trapped as others have said, or to make himself feel like the Big Man getting you pregnant seeing as he’s doing such a shit job of providing materially and in other areas of life.

Two words OP: watertight contraception. Or no sex. Whichever you prefer.

To be honest I kind of feel like this. I’m fortunate enough to earn more in general. But to me, I’m just getting started at work and I don’t want to sacrifice all that for mat leave.

I’d be more minded to that in your situation, if he earned more and you weren’t the breadwinner

I’m only in my 20s but tbh earning £1200 a month is really low - what has happened in his career previously? How old is he? Bc surely at some point in your 20s at least, you naturally want to feel less constrained than what £1200 brings. It’s food for thought bc it suggests he’s using you to backfill the effort he isn’t giving elsewhere

^This.

If he wants another child, he has to come up with the plan.

The drop-offs and pick ups for nursery, primary, secondary. The plan for housing - do you move for schools later? The costs of moving if so. Bedroom situation, particularly if you need a third bedroom for an opposite sex child.

Food and clothing costs.
Who will do medical and dental appointments.
Who gets up for the children in the night? For the first year and then afterwards.
Who stays home if the children are ill.
Will you tag team and take a child each when out.
The costs of maternity leave.
Potentially university costs.
Who will be the parent the school calls?
What happens if the child has a disability or long term health condition?

I'm sure you can come up with many more.

If he says, we'll work it out, just say, yes, this is the planning and working out how we work it out now.

I doubt he'll actually want to do any planning. And every time he asks, bring out the list and say, show me the plan, then we can decide.

Tell him its a hard no, unless he gets a better paid job.

what @InterIgnis said. Strongly sounds like a control tactic, sabotage your career to stop you from leaving or keep you at his level due to insecurity. Stick firmly to your guns and do not have another child with him. You shouldn’t need a stall tactic, but if you do, ask him to leave work on time every day and do the pick up and dinner for your existing child for the next 6 months as a way of proving hiw much additional input you’ll need from him so as not to affect your career. See what his response is to that.

So he could actually picking up from ASC, but prefer to give his free time to work? And he wants another child? Yeah right 🙄.

He doesn't think he's good enough for you, so he's going to 'properly ' tie you down with another baby, likely sabotaging your career.
What a loser.

It’s isn’t typical for TA’s to stay on for 2 hours unpaid once the day has finished, Most I know (I used to work in a primary school as support staff) would finish usually 15 mins after the school day had finished. A few HTLA’s would perhaps stay on for 30 mins maximum and only a few teachers would stay past 5.00pm, most would leave around that time as they had their own children to pick up from nurseries etc before their provisions close at 6pm.
Children get more expensive as they get older, not just the more you have.
Unless you desperately want another yourself I would be sticking at one.
It’s all very well he took a pay cut for a job he is happy in but there has to be a consequence to this, cutting your cloth accordingly.
Many of us stay in jobs that wouldn’t be our first choice because the pay of flexibility works for family life. Numbers don’t just stack up and money doesn’t just appear, him saying it will sort itself out is just nonsense.
If he won’t take more hours on a second job or revert to another job that pays better it will be you then sacrifices everything.
My nephew is an only child and gets so many more opportunities than my own children because resources aren’t shared. He’s a happy sociable chap who has loads of friends, he doesn’t miss having a siblings as close to his cousins.

Even if he's the most reasonable man in the world, you don't want another child, so that's that.

@Chattypatty1

You asked upthread how full time working mums 'cope' with 2 (or more) DC. We have spouses/partners who pull their weight, including taking time off when needed. We and/or our spouse/partner have jobs that are flexible when it comes to needing that leave. And we live in areas where there are numerous childcare options, including during non-school periods. And many of us have extended family to call in emergencies. But having even a few of these can make a big difference, especially having family willing to step in.

I was lucky in that I had all of the advantages, but I saw other mums really struggling without them. I saw the toll having to be "Do it all Debbie" took on them, both personally and with their careers, whilst their supposed 'equal partner' was too busy, too tired, or too important to carry their share of the load.

But bottom line is that you don't actively want another child. And IMHO your husband has selfish reasons for wanting to tie you down with the extra work, time, and expense that a 2nd child requires. As others have said, double up on your contraception and do not rely on him AT ALL!

And give a good thought to the totality of your marriage, not just the issue of 'child or no'. You deserve a marriage of equal partnership with someone who values you and is concerned about your welfare, not just his own.

My husband gets nearly £1400 per month after tax as a TA. I suspect your DH is earning more than he says he is.

Weird.

YANBU for not wanting another.

He is being unreasonable for not being able to talk about his work and earnings. My partner comes from a country that is very traditional and men earn the money and support the family. He is very sensitive about similar topics. I usually have to allow him to have an emotional reaction and then assure him it's not a criticism. Sometimes I flag I have questions and let him react and then suggest we talk the next day over dinner. It does annoy me sometimes but he's good with other issues. Every time we do a family budget, or plan for the future it's an annoying extra step.... but he's otherwise reasonable and tells me what I need to know and is open with his earnings and work.

It’s somewhat telling that you describe his contribution to parenting as ‘he does help’, like he’s someone there that assists you with parenting rather than taking any real parenting responsibility. He is taking the mick out of you. Do not give in to him. The cynic in me feels that he wants you to get pregnant, give up your job and career and be a SAHM, because he feels emasculated by the fact you earn more and rather than improving himself he wants to lower your level to beneath his.

So weird...

Lol I’m actually shocked I’ve been this oblivious. I’ve called to ask what always takes him so long and how much more he’s got to do.

I asked who stays behind, I have found out none of the other TA’s stay behind only seniors. I Found out he’s inserted himself into a meeting with the seniors that he doesn’t need to be in and ask to go to himself. I asked why is he doing so much unpaid hours and basically bugged himself up of how his job as a TA is more important than the other TA’s. Maybe I’m just in a mood now but I’m starting think he’s made his job more important than it is.

The fact people on mumsnet called his bs and I couldn’t see it. How embarrassing