He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

If that’s a full time job it’s below the minimum wage - what does his payslips show?

"We'll make it work" is a schoolboy-level reasoning. Something a mature enough grownup should never use for major life decisions, especially when it comes to having children. Once he "made it work" and somehow ensured the circumstances are there to have another child, AS WELL ALL HIS OWN WIFE'S WISHES TO HAVE ONE MORE (!), maybe then. To be fair, that alone should be enough to drop it - the other parent says no. So, forcing it is just bad news.

This is not normal. He must be hanging around doing unnecessary stuff to look a lot more important than he actually is. He’s probably also distracting the teachers who do have extra preparation to do. I’m retired but worked in education for many years.

I stayed that late...but I was a PTC/Faculty Head in Scotland. (In Scotland, the cunning wheeze was that LAs did away with PTs/HoDs wherever possible, in order to save money. I was originally a PT for one subject.) I was responsible for three departments and was struggling to keep my head above water because my HT kept cutting my management time. (He's no longer an HT, which is probably as much as I can say on here.)

In the end, I quit.

I can think of a couple of situations in my 40 yrs where a teaching assistant/classroom assistant/pupil support assistant tried to convince themselves and others that they were actually teachers and in charge of certain matters.

Most are not daft enough to work themselves into the ground for no monetary reward.

The teachers will be a mix of some who go straight out the door and do all their planning and marking at home, then some who stay behind so they don’t have to take work home. But teachers are paid for the holidays, to acknowledge that their working hours during term time are what ever is necessary to get the job done.

they absolutely are not!

Stop working so hard to make him feel enough when he’s not enough. It’s clear from what others say that he should earn more.

also, it’s not a running joke that you’re not working when wfh. It’s fucking dismissive and rude. You are worth more than that. Push back and stop protecting him. ‘You could stop belittling my work, if it’s nothing maybe you should find some nothing job that pays more like what I earn.’

possibly in his head his job is "bigger" than it is in reality?
Or maybe he thinks that by putting in the extra he may be up for a promotion/better job?

The fact is he downsized his job so his wife now has The Big Job. That means his job is the one that provides the flexibility for school runs etc etc. Not that he gets to have his lovely low paid Love Of the Job work, and OP gets to be the breadwinner plus all the kid stuff.

Put your pill between your knees, OP, that is the safest way.

I'm inclined to agree with this.
He likely thinks that because he is a man he outranks you and wants to put you where he thinks you belong, ie beneath him and at his mercy.

I worked in SEN units for 21 years, as a specialist teaching assistant. I was paid by the hour, lunch and any other breaks were unpaid. I could have stayed longer, worked through breaks etc, but I and my fellow support workers refused to do this unless we were paid.
If he's actually running the unit then he is underpaid.
If he's paid by the hour then any time he works after his daily hours will be unpaid, and he does not have to do it. He is choosing to.
Schools are notorious for expecting people to work over and above their paid hours 'for the kids'. I always said if it's important and you are telling me it needs to be done, then you can pay me for it. Honestly, I probably could have earnt more working for Lidl, but I enjoyed my job, enjoyed helping kids. But don't take the piss...

Operational/support staff (which is what your husband is) definitely do not do lots of unpaid overtime, because they generally earn shit money! He is choosing to stay later as it is easier for him than helping out with the child he already has.

I'm thinking along @Nearly50omg lines Op, do you see his payslips or is it possible he makes more money? I've seen too many posts on here from women whose DHs turn out to be having affairs, gambling or have secret savings accounts

Whether or not you can afford to have another baby isn’t the question you should be asking. It sounds like he’s hiding something from you, how much he really earns, what hours he actually works, and how much time he can give to actually caring for your current child. He’s putting you down because you WFH, despite being the main provider AND carer for the family, and thinks you should sacrifice your career and financial security…. For what?… Sounds like he’s trying to divert your attention from something else.

Time to ask to see a recent payslip. Just that straight out. His response will tell you plenty!

@ReadingCrimeFiction thanks for pointing this out. He’s been there just over 6 months. He’s said stuff about not being praised in the job and wanting more of it and also having a meeting to talk about how things are going but not a meeting of concern. He has said stuff about people giving him similar tips that I took as a warnings.

when I’ve tried to question and pointing to him to be mindful. He just says his job is not like mine and his job is not full of stuck up back stabbers. So I alway just leave it.

My maths is a bit rubbish but doesn't that mean he's on an hourly rate of about £8.30?
pretty sure TA's earn significantly more than that..

I agree. You need to see his payslips.

If he is genuinely choosing to do two hours of extra unpaid work every day, he needs to be reminded that all this effort supporting other people’s children, for no extra money, is happening at the expense of his own child’s well-being.

I’d also be suspicious that there may be something he’s hiding from you @Chattypatty1

Min wage is £12.21 I believe

he ' looks after ' the inclusion unit - do you mean he leads it / is the manager ? as I would expect him to be on a lot more than £12.21 !!!

down here we wouldn't even have a lunchtime assistant on £12.21, Torbay starts at £12.65 and that would be a meal time assistant / after school club assistant, £12.85/£13.05 would be a TA

just for info:

Salaries and grades from 1 April 2025 - 31 March 2026
Grade Scale Point Salary ( full time ) Hourly Rate
A
2
£24,413
£12.6539
B
3
£24,796
£12.8524
C
4
£25,185
£13.0540

and there is no way all the teachers are hanging around incase he wants to speak to one or two of them ! they have things to do !

He’s working 40 hours a month for free whilst you are drowning and then has the sack to beg for another child.
He’s either a supreme idiot or a massive prick.

If he's working until 5.30pm he should be paid for it.

There are horribly huge numbers of fathers ‘stating late at work’ when what they are doing is ‘avoiding parenting’.
Because let’s face it, it’s more pleasant to have a cup of tea and a natter with grownups than the what can actually be fairly dull and relentless task of parenting.
the test of whether they actually are staying late at work is
1, does their salary reflect this extra work (no, in ops case) and
2, did they stay late unpaid after work for 2 hours each day before kids came along

OP, he's taking you for some mug with that job.
Have another child with him?
Why are you even with him?
He doesn't pull his weight and is one of those bare minimum dads that dosses about in work to avoid going home.
Could you manage financially alone?
If so, give it some thought.

Absolutely do not have another child with him of in these circumstances
Protect the career you love.
If you aren't married, better again re splitting.

I remember nearly being run over in my childrens primary schools they were out the door so quickly, as were the TA's.
Their day was finished.
Maybe the did more at home, whatever, but they were certainly out the door with the children.

1200? full time? he is earning way less than minimum wage? This does not add up

Why does he want another child?

“Stuck up back stabbers” - that’s a pretty big chip on his shoulder he has about your colleagues / your work experience.

Also - I have two kids - i love it much it is 3x as hard as one for a variety of reasons.

Op can you clarify how much time he currently spends with your existing child, how helpful he is when you are having a flare up and does he do any household chore's/cooking or does it all get left to you?