He wants another child but at whose expense

[Chattypatty1]

my partner wants another child, we both work full time. His job is not flexible to do pick up and unexpected sick children but mine does.

He is saying we will make it work but at whose expense? He earns £1200 and I £2600 after tax pension etc. For us to make this even barely work it means no savings and any luxuries not even a Netflix subscription.

Am I being unreasonable or is he not realising the hidden jobs I do as a mum to keep us afloat?

I believe it will be me burnt out and bending over backwards to make it work not him.

Advice, opinions and experience would be great to hear. How am I supposed to navigate this ?

he is asking a good question. Why are you with him? I mean what does he bring to enhance your life. And don't say "Oh he's a good dad"

I take home more than £1200 on a part time wage-27hours per week on average where's he only taking home that working 37hours?unless he's paying off debt from his wage each month maybe. You're already doing all the school runs etc as it is do you really want to be doing all that whilst heavily pregnant?

So he is sen TA and running inclusion unit? Tbh the school may be pressuring him to do the extra work. Some schools you need strong boundaries and they expect too much of their TAs.

when I’ve tried to question and pointing to him to be mindful. He just says his job is not like mine and his job is not full of stuck up back stabbers. So I alway just leave it.

aw, i kind of love his naiveté. Every job is full of back stabbers.

Sadly, more covert narcissistic traits there...

Undermining you/downplaying your role/environment by slagging off the people you work with (and by extension, you).

Wanting endless praise.... childlike, ego centric behaviours where it's all about him.

Tips that YOU see as warnings but he doesn't.... inability to even HEAR criticism, even when it's as constructive as possible, combined with the natural follow up which is an inability to take responsibility for his actions, particularly his faults/mistakes

I've gone from my usual default, "God, men can be such wankers sometimes" to "This is much more than the usual bog standard and OP has a real problem here that is just going to get worse."

Alongside the victim stance, here are a few things people like this often do in relationships:

• Use silent treatment and/or withdraw affection/approval whenever you behave in ways they don't like (anything from cooking a meal that's not their favourite, to going out for a drink with girlfriends, to not greeting them with a full blown snog when they get home from work)
• Guilt tripping: "I work so hard, but nothing is ever good enough."
• No sense of responsibility which means apologies or change almost entirely impossible. If he does/says tihngs that routinely upset you he will either simply not change them, or use sarcasm/ passive aggressive ways to make it clear that any changes he's making are ridiculous and only because YOU are ridiculous.
• If you try to have constructive conversations, it's too "hurtful" or "upsetting", which means nothing ever gets resolved or changed.
• Undermines your confidence/self esteem with low level criticisms (as above about your colleagues). Can be subtle - sighs, eye rolling, going quiet for a short period etc.

All of this then becomes control tactics to ensure you do what he wants, at all time. Whether that's taking on bulk of childcare and home responsibiltiies, how you eat/dress/exercise, your friendships, even your relationships with your family.

Any of this ring any bells?

Tell him you’ll consider it (doesn’t mean you’ll do it) but you need his last three payslips so you can work out the financial logistics behind the decision because otherwise (and you can say this to him assuming you feel safe to do so) ‘it would be fiscally irresponsible otherwise wouldn’t it Dear?’ Smile-smile innocent look etc.
The payslips should detail his hours per week and annual salary, deductions etc.
If he won’t produce them then something isn’t right.

I wonder if he’s trying to sabotage your career tbh, and/or tie you down to him further.

He’s insecure about you being the higher earner, but ime there are a lot of insecure people who, instead of working to improve his own situation, focus on pulling those doing better than them down. Don’t think providing a better lifestyle for this type is something they’ll appreciate you for. They won’t. They’ll either take the benefits whilst hating you, or will happily sacrifice it if it means reducing you.

’It’ll work out’ - yeah, sure. He means you’ll work it out. It also seems that he makes himself the victim when you attempt to discuss finances and his contribution. Instead of addressing what you need to, he throws a pity party and frames you as the bad guy for making him feel sad. This also works to make you avoid the topic in future, lest you trigger him. It’s manipulative behavior.

If would be unwise to have another child with him. It would be wise to consider what your future with this man would look like, and whether that’s something you actually want. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more than the bare minimum in life.

He’s lying to you about the extra hours and probably his salary too. Only you can decide how serious both these things are in the bigger picture.

I really think you should not have another child with this man. He seems manipulative and disrespectful, and his hours and pay really do not add up! I agree with a PP, make sure you can see/have access to his payslips and also dig into why he needs to work 2 extra hours every day unpaid! Things seem fishy, and I think he may be trying to drag you down with him.

He’s been making this joke about how im at home doing nothing as a WFH and he’s been projecting on to me about how he’s not good enough and why am I with him as he doesn’t earn enough

Ugh. It sounds like his intention is to coerce you into having another baby to prop up his self esteem.

I am a teacher and I have never worked in a school where the TAs stay back. Teachers do of course but the TAs stick to contracted hours with absolutely no pressure to do anything otherwise. He is making a choice to work late. 90% of the TAs I work with have chosen that job as it is compatible with family life! He would also definitely be able to leave to collect a sick child and the teacher would just manage without him.

Simple “ darling show me the figures , tell me the plan , if it’s doable and I want to do it all again it’s a yes! “….

tell him to stop working for free and get a second job as school cleaner after school is finished , or get his arse home to cook and clean

Yes this. So glad I held firm and didn’t use a second child despite my H saying similar. It is the women that get lumbered with all the crap bits of parenting so agree it will be you among it work and not him.

OP, it sounds like life would be absolutely miserable for you if you were to have another child. Your joint income (though I'm afraid your partner reluctance to sit down and go through his earnings suggests he's hiding something. I'm also hugely suspicious that he's apparently staying an extra 2 hours each day for no pay) just can't support it.

Ive read your posts. Double up on birth control and start sorting out your finances so you can go it alone if need be.

He doesn’t earn enough to support two children. Tell him firmly, no.

I'd hate to bring a child into a world which is going downhill at such incredible speed, environmentally and otherwise. It won't be an easy life. And are both your jobs safe from AI? Permanently?

So he's chatting in the staffroom etc rather than going home when his paid hours finish? He has an extra 10 hours a week he could be devoting to parenting / supporting his family but instead he's choosing to socialise with his colleagues. Which tells you everything about what he really values.

Hopefully there's been enough good advice on the thread to empower you to say a firm no to him?

So if he's a TA is he home in the holidays?

£1200 would be part time salary stretched across the month

I earn a lot more than £2600 per month, maternity pay was full pay for 6 months, and have family to help with some childcare and school pick ups

If he's a Term Time Only employee at a school, he'll be paid every month but only for 44 weeks. Min wage at £12.21 x 35 hours x 44 weeks = £18,803.40 for the year. Net income per year for this is £17,058.88 = £1,421 per month. I'm not sure if he has to pay student loans or pensions out of this (I'd be surprised as that would make total pay less than MW), but it's really not very much money even at the full rate.

How are you going to afford childcare or maternity leave??

I have a suspicion he either earns more than he's telling you (have you seen his payslips?) or he's over-sold his role to you because someone running an inclusion unit of a school wouldn't be on minimum wage I'm sure. I know schools don't pay well, but minimum wage is the level for Teaching Assistants and support staff.

Oh, goodness! Whilst I love seeing women come together and help a poster see the reality of her situation before she gets more hurt, I really wish that these things sometimes had a happy ending.
@Chattypatty1 I agree with the covert narcissism suggestion. Refusing to do numbers is one. Using self flagelation as a tool to avoid you examining reality is another. The number of hours versus the number of £ coming in suggest he is up to something, probably another woman. He's trying to chain you to the kitchen sink barefoot and pregnant.

6 months into role. Just how hands on was he with your child over the Christmas holidays?

He's avoiding doing any parenting by faffing about at school after hours. It would be a hell would freeze over from me too.

For those questioning the wage, £1200pcm does actually sound about right for a TA on NMW annualised as they will only be contracted for 38 weeks but paid over 12 months . What I would question is whether it's actually worth him working whilst paying for childcare if not now then it most certainly wouldn't be for two children if you go down this route.

My DH took a year off to care for our 2 children and was the traditional SAHP ie he took care of children & home during the week and we shared at the weekend. He did actually get a PT evening job 2 days a week and this meant with the savings from childcare and extra income we didn't feel the impact of a 2nd child quite so much plus it was great for his sanity/mental health as he found it quite lonely being a dad in a mum's world. DO NOT go down this route if he's a lazy fucker as he'll end up basically hanging around at home minding the kids doing bugger all.

I would be saying when you can physically concieve, carry and give birth to a baby himself and him alone, not surrogrates then yes go ahead.
Until then NO WAY.
If he was going to continue with the 'we'll work it out' or 'baby or else' then it would be a case of shut the door on the way out Joe.