To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

Yeah it's probably genetic.

Your children and their needs come first. Cant understand why this is difficult for people to understand. You shouldn’t need to accommodate the dog, your sister or your parents when visiting with kids that age. It’s absurd. Young children of those ages are the absolute priority for you and would normally be for grandparents and aunts. They should be trying to give you a relaxing couple of hours not a load of stress and trying to make compromises to accommodate their totally unreasonable needs. It’s a dog.

Honestly this time you need to out-tantrum your sister. You sound so enmeshed (not a criticism) and because of your sister’s habit of throwing a tantrum, she always gets her way. She may not even know she’s doing it, manipulation is her superpower within your family dynamic. It’s time for you to beat her at her own game.

Find your anger, you are the matriarch of your family now and you get to say who affects it. Clearly the only way they are going to listen is if you behave as your sister does, because logic isn’t getting you anywhere.

1. Tell your sister to train her dog, it is neither cute or funny to not give it boundaries. Leaving it alone for great swathes of the week then overwhelming it at the weekend is a selfish path which will result in a badly behaved dog.
2. Openly say that DSIS tantrums are not going to work this time, and going forward you aren’t going to respond to them. It’s about time your sister grew up.
3. if your mum won’t listen or tries putting it back on you then I’m afraid you need to behave how your sister would to get her to listen, whether that be flouncing, shouting, sulking, mocking. Shock her into listening. Then when calm explain to her how you are hurt and annoyed that she won’t take your part (probably because she’s scared of your sister). Give her the example of the Chelsea Flower Show and say that you all missed out because you knew it wasn’t worth even asking her. It might sink in.
4. Get your dad onside. He sounds more capable and he might be able to come up with a solution or back you up.
5. Honestly, this is the pinch point. If you don’t do something now this dynamic will continue until your parents are no longer with you.

if you don’t this this will work then you will just have to withdraw for a while, or have your parents over to you. I just hate to see bad behaviour being constantly rewarded.

Belt that has a leash attachment- so it’s with them at all times.
Use toilet as time out area - zoomie brain they go in, calm they come out.
Some enrichment toys at your parents - that age brains get tired quicker then bodies. Slow feeder / frozen kongs / treat balls.

You sound lovely, they seem thick. I feel sorry for the dog. Glad we have cats. Smile, stop home and do what you like on a Sunday going forward. Let them have their respected hissy fits and put your kids first before they’re physically scarred. The comment about her wanting the puppy to drag your baby around says it all. Send her a few links about training. A few walks in the park and friendly chats with sensible dog owners and their pets pointing out the positives should help your son limit his fear to just this puppy. Good luck.

Not OPs problem. Her sister and parents and a number of posters are trying to make it so. Her only concern as should everyone else’s be the happiness and safety of her children nor accommodating others selfish needs. It’s a dog! No wonder the birth rate is falling in the western world. These children should be the only concern as should be supporting their mum not making her life difficult.

This makes me so mad when people treat dogs like babies, it’s not fair on the dog or other people.

Your DSis also has her own issues but as she’s been parented this way she probably won’t change.

I don’t know the solution if a crate isn’t allowed but there’s no way I’d be allowing an untrained dog around my young children.

No, but that doesn't mean she has to visit.

In the current situation you have no choice but to avoid the house if the dog is there, because your sister has no intention of teaching the dog how to react with children and babies (dragging the baby by its sleepsuit ffs joke or not ridiculous thing to say)

however do you have any sensible friends with dogs who you could spend some time with them interacting your ds with the dog. He currently, quite rightly, hates them and is very fearful of them which will manifest into greater fear as he gets older and can be difficult to manage. One of my neighbours dd was petrified and it was getting to a point they could barely go out.

I have a new dgd, first one, my dog is so excited every time they come round, we spend a lot of time feeding treats, teaching be gentle. Then after a while she’ll go and get her bone and settle. She was very anxious when they were burping dgd as she thought they were hurting her. When dgd is more mobile or needs to sit on the floor we will progress the be gentle training, probably interspersed with time out for the dog. It’s definitely a 2 person job but absolutely essential and it sounds like your sister has no intention of doing any of this. My other daughters dog will not meet dgd for a long time as he is a terrorist inside our house, perfect outside, and will not even realise there is a baby in his flight path.

Definitely not unreasonable but it reminds me of a story from a friend of mine. Very similar situation as her Dsis got a pup, couldn't/wouldn't train it but was expecting it to be brought everywhere. My friend decided to sneakily train it and brought little treats along to her parents and every time the dog was there (all the time as her Dsis treated the place like she never moved out), she'd say "sit" and when the dog listened, she gave him a treat. Completely quietly, not making a fuss but over a few months, my friend managed to get the dog listening, stay and being quiet.
The family couldn't work out why the dog only listened to my friend until she was "caught" with the treat bag. Dsis called it abuse and demanded an apology for 'being devious '.

My dog only met children over 10 before she was toilet trained- she prefers adult company.

Some years later.. I have a six month old niece visiting my parents. My parents use their room for tummy time, sitting and playing etc and my dog (aged 3.5; Cavapoo) is not allowed in there when the baby is there. She stays on her dog bed and the baby eats in a high chair at meal times. One adult is always supervising the dog.

My parents are Asian and like to entertain weekend lunch guests a lot/host relatives for weeks on end. They make sure that any children have had the ‘new dog talk’ but sometimes the talk goes in one ear and out of the other. One eejit pretended to be a dog and got himself nipped.

I have previously got sitters/dropped my dog to a friend’s house if multiple children are over; she gets overwhelmed by any under 8 who thinks she is Waffle’s sister (CBeebies) and spends her time hiding in her crate refusing to interact with them.

I also keep my dog on a long lead indoors around children- perhaps your sister should consider the same if crating isn’t an option?

These panels, used as a room divider to section off a bit of space to keep the puppy in, big enough for those who want to be with the puppy to be in ther too, could work. As a short term solution. Much more palatable to the dog (and clingy owners) than it being in a crate or shut in another room.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/HOMIDEC-Exercise-Portable-Foldable-Enclosures/dp/B0BNB3LD6K/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=PCZ5RG3WXJOR&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.7U25Y40rQqiG61yzunakMFU-w5iHRh3ROEOFka79joebOMpWP0TSzaJAa7cRisMQdBph9eMHrIbWzCGUQXyJdoHEvD68yllkMStDiqPNMxu9G6lKieOqNfE8lee5zW9tIoA7gs1btnLERHeoldpzossfCKdG1bUrMm-1Mg4P8IrWSrIv9xiwiM7kmOSezpWP19AGYX3xjQwhz0OvLSyOEQ.Dm6SfgLqBgMlHyS1PP_Tc1NV-LztlpOdoYeW9K4Y_4k&dib_tag=se&keywords=room+divider+dog&qid=1769410055&sprefix=room+divider+dog%2Caps%2C241&sr=8-3

Just visit your parents at a different time when they won't be there. Dog issues aside, it sounds like you don't like your sister anyway.

This might been suggested only read OP replies. I know your sister is against a create but what about a playpen for the dog. Could have puppy pads in and it’s still with everyone, and your children are safe from the land shark

yanbu at all, I have a fear of dogs and it really does affect days out etc and can be very embarrassing at times

Of course YANBU. Children come before dogs. I’m amazed your mother is happy to have an untrained dog peeing and pooing all over her house tbh… You and your sister will have to alternate weekends until the dog is fully trained. I wouldn’t have returned after it bit my child.

Honestly, I'd be so pissed off with your parents, particularly your mum. She is willing to put her precious grandchildren at risk in order to pander to your sister yet will fall out with you if you stop going for Sunday lunch.

You have no options that will keep your children safe from your sister's dog without upsetting your mum or your sister. Obviously, your children come first so they will have to suck it up and deal with the consequences of their own actions.

You need to get angry yourself when you mum tries to guilt trip you.

I love dogs but this is wild. I’d have had the puppy in its crate if it was mine. Often when we have little kids round the puppy takes herself off to her crate because she’s tired out from toddler play! Plus puppies sleep most of the day so would need naps anyway if it’s there a few hours.

Dog people never fail to baffle me. We have had this with family members as well. They bought the thing that is causing the problem and changing a dynamic so THEY should be the ones to flex/compromise/miss out.

A puppy is not a child, it’s a pita.

She’s all about the ‘gram’. She’s obviously seen those ‘cute’ videos on social media with puppies pulling at babies clothes and basically wants to recreate it. I see those videos and they make my cringe because I see a baby being pulled about by a dog that has the potential to harm. She is immature in general and has very little common sense - caused by my parents babying her. She just genuinely cannot see the issue.

Yes. Agree. We got a little pen after she chewed an electric wire while I was on a Zoom call 🤦🏽‍♀️ now she takes herself in as it’s where all the good stuff is.

another idea might be some long lasting chews / interactive dog puzzles. Then it’s in the pen, in the same room with something to do. And it’ll hopefully just nap

Thanks for all your replies so far. I ended up getting a 500 server error last night so it wouldn’t let me open Mumsnet at all, so I’m just catching up with the responses.

I think you’re both being unreasonable. You just need to keep the dog semi separate.

The dog needs to be socialised and get used to the children, but removed if its jumping up and misbehaving. I got one of my dogs when my daughter was 7 months old. It was great for both of them - dog is now bomb proof with kids and kids love dogs.
if it’s a puppy it won’t be able to maintain being excited too long anyway- it will need a sleep after a while. Crate is a great idea

Didn’t mean the OP should be taking these steps - but if the crate is a no go then DSIS / Partner could be doing this instead

I’d personally take it as an opportunity to free up some more family time. You and your sister committing a day every weekend for the same meal in the same place with the same people seems excessive. Do your partners actually want to go to their in-laws every weekend?

Anyway, sister needs to get the dog under control. People who don’t train their dogs and expect everyone else to adore the dog as much as they do are arseholes.