To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

I just knew it would be a cockerpoo….

I suspect that poor dog is always going to be a bloody nightmare

I cannot believe your mother and sister are being such complete twats about this.

OP, please don’t force this dog on your children. I had a bad experience as a young child and it left me very worried about dogs for most of my life, even after having one as a pet in the family.
Your sister sounds unhinged. Why would you get a dog that you didn’t have time to train or live in a flat without a garden? Why would you treat a dog like a baby?
Maybe it is time to make alternative arrangements to see your parents.

Gosh this would drive me crazy your definitely not being unreasonable. Sorry if I have missed this but could your family not just go on sat instead ? Start a new thing...brunch/takeaway and then your sister (who sounds like a total pain) can have sunday and your parents have two days of visitors. I wouldn't be giving up on the lovely grandparents for your dcs sake.. despite how silly they are about this.... Could they come to you on a sat ? Draw your boundaries offer alternatives and hopefully your parents will find a solution but it's not you having to chase round after that dog all Sunday. The dog isnt going to improve much I fear.

I think you are both being unreasonable. You sound a bit entitled and that you think you trump your sister’s want to see her parents because you have kids and she doesn’t. But equally she needs to be training the puppy. I think you need to work on a compromise together, how about you overlap times so you’re all there for dinner but then you each get some one on one time with your parents where you’re not having to worry about the dog and the kids being together? So you could get there before dinner for a couple of hours and head off straight after, and they could arrive just before dinner and hang around after. Also agree with the PP who suggested you all go for a walk together. I have two kids and two dogs, I do get it’s hard, but you have made it sound very black and white.

Puppy’s are full on and in our case a mini dinosaur in disguise. Puppy would need to be on lead in the house all the time around kids until trained. They are just so goofy and excitable. It will get better but ours was tricky for a good 6 months (and the rest!)
Could they use a play pen like this

https://www.petsathome.com/product/midwest-homes-for-pets-contour-exercise-pen-for-pets-black/P70651?productId=7139981&utmsource=google&utmmedium=cpc&utmcampaign=googleshopping&cmmmc=Google--CPC--%20googleshopping--googleshopping&ita=1976&ito=googleshopping&cqsrc=googleads&cqcmp=21409845351&cqterm=&cqplac=&cqnet=x&cqplt=gp&gclsrc=aw.ds&gadsource=1&gadcampaignid=21416307482&gbraid=0AAAAAD7tV9opOh2QWwnUf30EiFdNI0O&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgvrpkOinkgMVvopQBh0VEguIEAQYAiABEgKO1fDBwE

We found this pen connected to a crate super helpful with our pup. We went into the pen to play with her but that was her safe space & place for downtime. It was a godsend to be able to leave the room knowing she was safe from mischief (curiosity led to eating random things inc skirting boards and it also contained any accidents).

Maybe you both have playpens one for the dog & one for kids?! Bit of a faff to put up but might be useful if space allows and you are both visiting your parents.

Hope you can come to a compromise/solution with the Sunday lunch but also being able to spend some separate time with your mum or parents rather than always doing everything together.

Just say Mum I'm open to compromise - overlapping by only an hour or two/doing alternative weekends until puppy is trained and not nipping. But my 4 year old was bitten and you know it. I am not letting that happen again. So you figure out how to make sure my kids are safe otherwise we can't bring them to your house.

honestly I'd also have your dh have a chat with your dad - he might get further with him.

Some of the replies on this thread are mental - it is apparently ok to have a nipping untrained puppy around a 4 month old baby and a 4 year old even if that puppy has already bitten the 4 year old and drawn blood. Nuts. And I have a much loved dog.

It’s a puppy it can stay in a cage or outside? So much drama over a baby dog you are both unreasonable 🙄

Neither the sister nor the OP's mother will allow it to be in a crate (it's cruel apparently). Nor can it go outside because it's only a puppy and the sister insists on having her fur baby with her at all times.

The only answer sister and mother will contemplate is OP carrying on going every weekend when there's a totally untrained puppy that has already drawn blood.

And did you read the bit about the sister hoping the pup will grab hold of the baby's babygro and try to pull baby round on the floor?

I think you should message them and say that whilst you love them and want to see them, ultimately and unfortunately your son has been hurt by the dog and so for everyone’s sake, a short term change has to be made.

These are the options you can think of:

a) You don’t come on Sundays for a while
b) You take it in turns to come for a while
c) They bring a puppy pen or dog crate
d) They don’t bring the dog

Then ask them to choose which they’d rather and let you know.

Do you really need advice on this!... Just tell them you won't be going round all the while the dog is an uncontrollable puppy. Definetly not with a baby.

But it isn't necessary to never take the kids to see their grandparents, surely. Just see them on a Saturday for now. Make it clear that this has to be dog free. It's important to spell out that you WANT to see your parents and you value their relationship with your children, but you won't expose them to this dog at the moment, so which day/what arrangements do they want to plan instead?

Invite Grandad to yours for sunday lunch and lego building. Your mum can stay home and host sister, fiance and dog. No to any childcare from your parents if they are likely to be taking care of the dog at the same time.

Puppies can't be left?! How in the world are people supposed to go to work or attend appointments etc? Or is this a mumsnet thing where you can only get one if you don't work?

Of course they can be left when needed, in fact it's good for them to get used to being alone sometimes.
They just need to be left in a crate or playpen or something.

YANBU.

My dh is one of those who has to bring his dog everywhere. It's exhausting and exasperating.

I think your suggestion is very reasonable and practical. Really, your sister should be the one making all the adjustments here. If I were her I would visit without the puppy, but cut down my visits to 3 hours so that puppy won't be left alone for too long. She probably doesn't want to leave the puppy alone at home because she knows she'll come back to a wreck!

"My parents are used to seeing my kids every single week, I know my dad in particular looks forwards to it so much as he adores them. They would be really gutted if that changed to every other week which I understand but they are both effectively choosing the dog over the kids by being so stubborn about the dog going."

Tough shit if they're gutted - consequences. Prioritise Golden Child's untrained bitey puppy over grandchildren, grandchildren will not be brought.

Seriously, do not waver on this. Let them deal with her hissy fits, they are the authors of this shitshow.

Since your sister is the Golden Child, are you their Scapegoat? Blamed for everything? That your mother tries to guilt you into endangering your children to please your sister does suggest so. In which case double-tough-shit to them.

You need to prioritise your children's needs (to be safe is definitely a need), deprioritise your mother's wants, and totally disregard your sister's anythings. Simply do not go to their house when the dog is there. If you get there and so is the dog, turn on your heel and go home. They know what to do if they want to see your children - they have to make a choice. Until they do, don't take your children there. Let them be "gutted", if that is their choice. Do not let them being "gutted' have any sway with you.

dog lover here. no longer dog owner because my knees won't stand walks. what is happening is not safe or kind. Its not safe or kind for your kids or for the puppy. Sorry OP stand your ground. It makes me raging when people get dogs and don't take proper care of them.

You need to calmly explain that it is not about your sister OR the dog, but that you have an obligation to keep your kids safe, and they can’t guarantee that they are safe with the dog like it is.

This. I think there’s a bit of nose-out-of-joint-ism going on - and if there isn’t OP, then you need to be sensitive how you suggest a compromise, not just refuse to visit unless your sister leaves her dog behind.

I'm a dog person and 100% team sister. Just put your kids in a cage - problem solved!

This is obviously a joke, I don't think anyone is being unreasonable though. Your parents are trying (clearly failing) to accommodate both their children; you are trying to protect your children; and you have to understand that (to your sister) this puppy is her child.

Whilst I do think they should be able to bring the puppy, it should be spending some (not all) of the time in a crate/pen.

You have said that you can't put your baby down. You can, in a play pen, you just don't want to. You are equally as selfish as your sister in that respect. Knowing your baby is safe in a play pen would give you the time to support your son to feel safe and build a friendship with his new (furry little) cousin 😉

Stick to your guns.

Don't let them guilt trip you. You need to protect your child and shouldn't be subject to all this.

Your sister is being selfish by not agreeing to alternative weekends.

You are disgusting.

Sorry, but your sister sounds insane. She can't wait for hey puppy to drag your baby down by his sleepsuit!

I'm surprised you have a relationship and spend time with her.

Could you tell your mum you have a surprise gift for her and to keep the date clear?

That way she won't be able to tell your sister and the day will be fine by the time she finds out.

Id have lost it with her if she’d called a son of mine a wimp for crying at being bitten.
What a mindless, self obsessed, horrible woman to say that to a child.
She could shove her dog up her lazy arse.
Its not you, OP, it’s your enmeshed family pandering to this immature idiot.