To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

So have you messaged them all saying you won’t be there at the weekend yet.

Your sister has mad a rod for her back not training her dog already..I've got a pure bred cocker spaniel and she's a temper mental bitch..nearly 10 now and they are very set in their ways..but i had her trained by 12 weeks and she took to it really quickly but I was very persistent..now that shes gotten old shes gone very lazy with her wees,now the do love kids but are very jumpy uppy dogs..you're right telling her off and telling her to train her dog,not bringing her round your kids yet ..good luck OP you're going to need it xx

Of course you’re not unreasonable

You haven’t said “Tell sister she can’t bring the dog” instead you’ve removed yourself and children from the situation so it’s not like you’ve given an ultimatum

The dog bit your child, you’re protecting your children by not being around the dog. That’s good parenting

If you are there for 5-6 hours it’s just going to me chaos and of course not do able with a 4 month old who won’t be able to be put down on the floor

Stick to your guns and ignore the guilt tripping

Your sister and fiancé are bad dog parents imo

Your mum and sister are being VERY unreasonable.

It's fair to say to your parents 'do you not think that Lisa insisting on bringing the dog is a bit of a bad idea?' then go on to list examples of its bad behaviour. Maybe try and encourage them to tell her it's no longer allowed. That you may no longer want to come if it is there.

It would be better to get the dog barred rather than having to avoid going.

It's absolutely gross to bring a non house trained dog to any indoor place. Unless it could be locked in the garden but I guess that's cruel and it would bark and shit all over the place anyway!

There's so much going on here. The golden child dynamic is really in play. Your sister is it and you're the scapegoat. She is a terribly irresponsible dog owner. Your mom and dad enable her to the point of being ok with her untrained pup biting your child and your youngest crawling around where there's been recent dog pee and feces.

Your kids are sacrificed to catering to your sister to the point of endangering their physical safety.

Do you see how unhealthy that is?

You kids are going to develop a fear of dogs because of being around an untrained puppy that bites and jumps. Your 4 year old probably already has.

You have to stay firm with your parents. Your mom won't be able to watch your youngest when you go back to work, you can't trust her to not have sister's dog around. You're going to have to back off those long weekly visits. Once your kids gets older, you're going to be too busy for those anyway. And be careful of your dad, he might show a side you haven't seen before if you and your husband don't back down. He's going to be the enforcer type if you try to prioritize your kids over what your mom wants. And I hope it doesn't happen, but all hell might break loose if you stand your ground, even though it's the only choice you can make.

So they are ok to call you unreasonable for protecting your child but they are not unreasonable for ignoring an absolutely valid suggestion that the dog is crate trained.

TBH i would just be telling them straight that they cant even control the dog and there is zero chance your child is being put at risk because they are stupid. Fuck them. This kind of ignorance is how kids end up being scarred for life or even killed by uncontrollable pets (granted usually big dogs). If they cant see this, they are the problem, not you

I got a gsd X puppy when my (now grown up) kids were 4 and 18 months. I got my current dog springer/cocker/poodle mix 4 years ago and he nearly broke me, he was much harder work than my gsd X puppy and 2 under 5's.

We needed a crate because if not then he'd have chewed and swallowed anything and everything he could get a hold of. I'm surprised your sister's house hasn't been trashed if she's leaving him to roam on his own all day. Which in itself is shocking as it's still just a tiny baby really, she's on the path to having a dog with separation anxiety.

We had a few sessions with a gun dog trainer which helped. Not gundog training as such, as the focus was on him being a pet. We learned how to tire him out by his play being focused on using his nose to search for treats and toys amongst loads of other things that worked in with his natural instincts. That breed are prolific resource guarders, my last 2 dogs would let you remove anything from their mouths, not this one -we made that mistake when he was tiny and now he can get aggressive if he thinks your trying to take something off him, we've managed that by teaching him to leave things and drop things to swap them for a better 'treat' - carrots are his top treat.

We used a soft slip lead type of lead for indoors, so he knew when it was on it was time for him to 'settle' at our feet. You also get collapsible crates which fold up and can slide under a bed or into a cupboard, that might help if your mum is opposed to one because she thinks it will be sitting out.

Also the puppy is going to need a safe place to go, they need lots of sleep when they are young.

Unless your sister and her partner are going to put the work in with the puppy then I think you're right to stop going. On the plus side my whirlwind of teeth and fur became super chilled when he got to around 18 months.

have you read the thread? it's the kind of thing OP has offered. It is not her that is going to reject this.

Don't be a goady twit. It's tedious.

Maybe email the local dog warden for advise, then forward that on to your mum and sister.
They might listen to official advice, rather than have to face the dog warden when the dog, through no fault of its untrained self, bites one of the kids to the point the doctor has to report it.

I am shocked your mum even lets it in the house. Maybe an accident once could be acceptable. After that i would be frogmarching the dog and your sister out of the house and telling them not to come back until its house trained.

Acceptance is worse than the ignorance. Who the fuck lets a dog piss and shit in their house? Its not difficult to train a dog something so basic.

Thing is your sister is the worst sort of dog owner. She’s got a breed that is wrong for her lifestyle, can’t be arsed to train it properly, is treating it like a human baby rather than a dog and is blind to the fact that combo plus babies could be a terrible risk. Your mum is enabling this behaviour and her judgement is also seriously flawed which means you can’t trust her to make sensible decisions. It
also feels like you’ve become quite emeshed. Soon enough your kids will be wanting their own social life and not spending 6 hours of a weekend at your parents. Stepping back a bit now while the dog is an excuse may actually help you in the long run.

Your children only have you to advocate for them. How would you feel if you let the guilt trip from your mum/sister get to you and the baby is bitten badly.

This is a tricky one. I absolutely would not want my kids around a puppy that has bitten one of them already! However, if the puppy cant be left at home then by default your sister is being uninvited from her parents house which I can see feels unfair to her. The most sensible option is to keep them separate in some way. Ie play pen for baby/ baby under adult supervision if playing on the floor, dog kept away from 4 year old and 4 year old taught to not grab dog etc.
For what its worth I am very much not a dog person and felt nervous this year at Christmas as my baby and small children were around a family members small but jumpy dog. However I understood that to them the dog is part of their family and so a compromise has to be struck- I brought babies play pen and dog was kept distracted by other adults/ lots of walks/ seperate rooms when necessary. If you want to keep attending then i think its fair that some of the compromise comes from you ie play pen for baby. If your sister won't agree to any compromise herself and wont agree to keep the dog away from the children then you are right not to go!

I am interested to know why your sister can do no wrong and her whims are catered to at the expense of DGC. What has happened to make her the golden child and why is everyone unwilling to say no to her?

I know you said she will kick off, but we don't teach our kids not to kick off by giving in to them.

The dynamic here sounds really unhealthy.

I would not bother with a crate, not that it is viable anyway. My experience of people who put dogs elsewhere in the house because someone else needs them to be separated is that it doesn’t last long. Invariably, they let them out at some point.

Cocapoos are particular nightmares, too. My DD has one and he took ages to train but is fine now. They work full-time but one of them is always wfh every day. They also crated him as a pup. IMHO, OP's sister is being very unreasonable. And it is cruel to have a dog and not pay attention and train it.

No it doesn’t. It’s got teeth and it bites. It’s annoying her children and stressing her out. It’s a dog and they do not get parity with humans in any circumstances.

Great post.
Honestly OP, it is so unfair that your child was not safe from this in his grandparents house.
The dog drew blood.
You could have years and years of debilitating fear from your child will carry.
My youngest does as the result of an incident 15 years ago when an off the lead dog went for her, she wasn't engaging with it but was playing with friends nosily and the dog got a bit excited with the noise.
I was close by and she jumped into my arms but the little dog was snapping and jumping up.
We both got a fright.
So annoying as she is still very wary.

In regards childcare when you return to work... l don't think you can trust your parents to keep the dog away from your baby.

My parents have a big garden so they are using the garden at the weekend as a way of getting out of taking it for a walk

So that'll be the garden covered in crap as well and the kids won't be able to play outside.

You have parental responsibility for your children and their safety.
This is not about you, this is about your children.
This could be potentially a safeguarding issue.
Make your decision based only on their safety and wellbeing.

Why are your family putting a bloody dog before your children??

I absolutely agree with this. You must put your own DCs first. Coming from an enmeshed family myself (i am the scapegoat - i escaped!) i can completely see how the dynamics are at play here.

Good luck and love to your DS - my own DS was terrified of dogs for years after a big dog ran at him when he was 2 - the dog didnt even bite him but jumped up at him. The size dimensions were akin to a horse jumping up at us.

It must be very disappointing/upsetting that your family are down playing the seriousness of the situation.

Not managing dogs appropriately in any context is a risk and setting the dog up to fail. The puppy has bitten, not maliciously because it’s aggressive, but because it doesn’t know how to behave with equally excitable and goofy kids.

Your son has already had a scare which you don’t want compounded into a fear of dogs or any more injury. There are serious consequences if the puppy caused more harm - which no-one wants. I can see how you absolutely need your family to recognise and manage the situation until (hopefully) the pup matures and is trained.

The priorities of your DM and DSIS seem very odd for what might be a short term timeframe. They are easily fixable via training and risk reduction - leads, pens etc. I know use of crates is divisive but can be very helpful if used appropriately. Pens are in no way restrictive - quite the opposite and could really help. Most people I know use them to keep their puppies safe in the first few months.

I think you are right to stand your ground on visits and what you feel comfortable with. @Shutuptrevorhas some good options but be good to see what your DSIS thinks will work - fairly. I think she’ll find friends with kids will feel the same.

But you can’t put a 4yo in a playpen for the day- the 4yo certainly wont want to go to grandpa and grandmas anymore if that’s what they do. So in your compromise the op has to care for her baby in a playpen and keep a 4yo away from the dog, or ask someone else to keep the dog away from the 4yo while she changes or feeds baby- sounds exhausting, better to just not go.
also a poster said it’s only temporary until they train the dog- they aren’t training the dog. They are shit dog owners, they aren’t training it or walking it so it’s all going to get worse.