To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

I have a solution!

Buy DPs a lovely cat (that’s terrified of dogs)

Yes absolutely. I love dogs, always have done. The puppy is gorgeous and I have no issue with the dog. The issue is with my sister and her partner who are refusing to train it. If I could see every week it was learning how to behave, I wouldn’t mind as much (obviously not the biting), but the dog is just getting worse as every week goes by. If they trained it, I would be more than happy to introduce my kids, but I’m not happy to continue going when the dog is out of control. I have a friend with a put of control cavapoo so a similar breed, and it irritates me so much as all it does the whole time you are there is jump on you, at you, constantly brings toys over for you to throw. I tend to meet her elsewhere now.

Dog lover and owner of 2 myself (and former childminder). You are not being unreasonable. They should be crating the puppy at that age when visiting away from home so it has security and familiar items around him, and taking him out on a lead into the garden for toileting and supervised petting.

And no, with young children, it is totally reasonable to refuse to be there with an unmanaged puppy. It can needlessly instil a fear of dogs/animals and is not a positive experience for either the children or the puppy. They sound appalling owners.

I have a sneaking suspicion that my mum has been going round every day for a hour or so to check on the dog, but she won’t admit it. Before they got the dog, I had an argument with my mum about it and in that argument, told her she would end up looking after it for them. So she won’t want me to know and prove her wrong.

I agree with you and this is why I am so surprised at my mum. Our family dog who died 2 years ago was the kindest , most well behaved dog I have ever met, never hurt a thing and used to come and say hello and bugger off to her bed. My mum was very on top of the dog never going near my oldest when he was a baby and used to keep her separate, so I have no idea why all of a sudden this out of control puppy is different.

Perfectly reasonable OP. I have dogs but they are well trained. Even so if a kid or adult was uncomfortable I would keep them away.

Can your sister get a foldable pen to keep the puppy in when she visits? That way it can have a bed, food, drinks and wee pad. People can interact with the puppy and it has a boundary.

Your priority is to protect your child from a dog that bites. There is no compromise on this. Your sister and mother can whinge all they like.

You have suggested a range of perfectly reasonable solutions or compromises to ensure this. They have rejected them all.

THIS IS THEIR CHOICE.

I would spell it out that this is their choice and that you don't have a choice about protecting your children.

This isn't your problem to fix. Its up to them to find a solution that protects your children from the dog.

Otherwise you might end up in a situation where you have reasonable grounds to report a bite incident and the dog ends up getting put down. Thats probably not going to work for your sister either now is it?

Ball is in their court.

Let them get on with it in the meantime.

Two words for you.

Surprise Present.

Don't tell her. Just say you've got a surprise, but she can't have it immediately for reasons that will become clear. She can't tell your sister what she doesn't know herself.

Turn up and take her on the day.

Then its too late for the tantrum.

This is clearly actually something that means a lot to you. Do not give up on the idea. Find a way to make it happen without your sister by any means possible.

Possible Compromise
Good weather: one sister am, other sister arrives for lunch, dog outside while people eat together, morning sister leaves, other sister stays pm.
Bad weather: one sister am, other sister pm, alternate whose turn it is to have lunch.
But I have a feeling op won't like it. Would take co-operation / planning....

I think it's the golden child dynamic in full force here.

If you don't live in this sort of family, you won't get it but my cossetted relative, who can barely do anything for himself can do anything with few consequences.

Sounds like she is pissed your DC have taken her place as the "baby" of the family.

And whilst I do treat my dogs like they're kids, there is no way I'd be letting a baby crawl anywhere if there was a possibility of dogshit or wee on the floor, being bit or trampled or harrass a small child.

Sit back, observe, be as objective as possible. Once you see this shit, you can't unsee it...

I've always had dogs and I'm a bit sick of people that take their weird doodle crosses absolutely everywhere.

YANBU

They need to rehome their puppy. It’s cruel to not train and leave a dog on its own for hours on end. Shame on the breeder who let them have it in the first place. In the meantime they can bring a crate so that the puppy can have some quiet time away from the kids.

We all love it to. My husbands parents are lovely but we very rarely see them as they are always busy. My sisters fiancé doesn’t really
speak to his family at all so my family have become theirs as well. My husband is best mates with my dad, so he really enjoys going round every week and spending time with him.

Please do not go, you have a job to protect your children. If your Mother cannot see that, she misses out on seeing the grandchildren.
I know it is hard but what about if one of your children got hurt because the golden child refuses to train her dog.
You have also tried to talk about the favouritism between you and your sister with you and your sister. All they can say is you are jealous, so to me they clearly know they are doing it.
Good luck OP this will not be easy.

Puppy playpen was useful for my son's manic BC puppy (1year on, beautifully trained, much calmer dog).

You must be so frustrated Op. You told them all this would happen, now it's happening exactly as you said and they still won't listen.

When your mum complains to you, maybe just have one thing that you say in response, like "Mum do you remember how careful you were to keep old dog and oldest separate when he was a baby? The same thing needs to happen with this dog. We love seeing you, but we can't visit while you prioritise a spoilt dog over your grandchildren." And just repeat, and don't back down. Also maybe try getting your dad alone and telling him how much it means to your son to spend time with him and how sad it is to find that nobody but you cares about keeping your kids safe from this dog. Maybe he will be able to get your mum to see sense.

The anger you're getting over this is probably because it's the first time you've ever not backed down for an easy life, so it brings the whole rotten dynamic out into the light, and they don't like that.

a key part of training is exposing the puppy to different scenarios including where children are present while it is young, especially if the puppy will spend a lot of time with those people in future.

Well then you are being entirely reasonable by staying away. Consequences.

Dog owner. It was harder to train my children not to wind up the dog, than it was to train the dog when we got one and my kids were substantially older than yours. Your sister and her husband are setting the dog up to fail and your parents are enabling it.

The tried to adopt from a rescue to begin with but the rescue wouldn’t let them have it because of their lifestyle. When my sister told me, I said at this point there was a reason they wouldn’t let her have one, so I agree about the breeder, just wanted the cash. The only place that puppy would be getting rehomed, would be my parents house!

Well the dog has now bitten my son, so they can choose someone’s else’s children to expose it to. I’m not putting my kids at any further risk and ignoring my son when he’s telling me he doesn’t want to go round because the dog scares him.

Your sister is ridiculous and irresponsible. And no sensible dog owner on earth lets their puppy anywhere near babies/toddlers when the puppy is that young as they do bite. Honestly the world has gone dog mad (and I say that as a dog owner!).

Suggest they get a playpen and put the dog in it - will also localise the wee/poo issue!

Yes thank you. My dad likes to stay out of the drama but it may be a good idea to get him involved now. I know he will want to see the kids more than the dog as he didn’t agree with her getting it either for the same reasons I didn’t!

Sometimes I think people have lost the plot. OP sorry but you are absolutely not being unreasonable and your mum and sis need to get real. The dog is just that - a dog! Until it's trained your sis needs to keep it away from your babies. Whenever I have taken my DCs to visit friends who have dogs/puppies they prep for our arrival by taking them out for a walk beforehand, and then putting them in separate room or cage so as not to frighten the kiddos. Thought this was pretty normal behaviour. As for weeing on the floor...your mum is a more tolerant woman than I am..!

shouldn't laugh but 😂

"She told my son he was being a whimp when he cried after it bit him, obviously felt bad when she realised he was bleeding, but it still pissed me off. She said today she can’t wait for the puppy to pull my babies sleepsuit and try to drag him along the floor 😬"

This tells us everything we need to know about your sister. Sorry but she is an idiot on so many levels and your parents are enabling her totally unreasonable behaviour.

She has her whole family running around trying to keep her happy - I'd drop the rope completely. Tell your parents you won't be coming over when dog is there and they are welcome to come and see you and DGCs any time. Then leave them all to it.

Because your mum and sister are already telling/showing you where you and your children come in their priorities. It's after your sister and it's after the new dog. Why would you play that game?

Your sister got the dog to get herself attention and as a practice run for having a baby once she’s married. It happens all the time. I will be surprised if her children behave any better than the puppy so you have that to look forward to next and your mum and hers excuses on why her darling angels temper tantrums and hitting of your children is allowed as they are younger.

Start getting over the guilt trips and putting yourself and kids first. I would be clear to your mum she’s never going to be able to babysit with the way she allows this puppy to hurt her grandchildren. It might sink in if your mum isn’t going to get something she wants. You can guarantee if you let her babysit your sister will insist she needs to dog sit too and no crate and two kids guarantees risks you don’t want. I would suggest you get your dad to babysit at your house and tell them you can trust him to put grandchildren first or only use in-laws if they are willing to keep their big dog away.

Any temper tantrums would be met with me telling them I don’t put up with that behaviour from my children I certainly won’t put up with it from anyone else! Good luck