To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

Your entirely reasonable boundary - you don't want an untrained bitey puppy around your children - is being ignored and disrespected by your mum and sister.

There's no point trying to debate as they will continue to try to guilt trip you and gaslight you. You have made your position clear and the ball is in their court now to find a way that they can see your family on terms that are acceptable to you.

I agree with a PP who talked about your family of origin being the primary unit and it is time for your new family to take precedence, it sounds like some really unhealthy behaviour is facilitated - you absolutely should be able to take your mum out for the day alone!

Part of the problem though is your incredibly judgmental attitude towards your sister

hahahahahaha. That is precious.

If my sister's dog bit my child, and she and my mother had the attitude of OPs sister and mum? I would bite my sister and tell them that they need to grow the fuck up and that my child and the feral dog would not be in the same room. How they cope with wanting to see me/my child would be up to them to work out given the options i have given them.

You know if you read ALL of OP’s posts you would have seen she has made the suggestions you have mentioned.

Bit hypocritical to call her judgemental.

Thanks for much for all your responses, I had read through them all so just wanted to do a big update to clarify a few things instead of clogging up the thread replying to everyone individually with the same answers.

The dog is a 12 week old Cockapoo.
It isn’t being trained and it’s very unlilkely (as it stands) that it ever will, because my sister and her partner are out of the house 6 days a week and have no time to do it. I told them they didn’t have the time to look after a dog and should go for another pet instead but they obviously went for the dog which is their choice.

My parents house is open plan downstairs except the small downstairs toilet (literally has a toilet and sink in and just enough room for me to go in with my 4 year old).

My sister refuses to use a crate/playpen because she thinks is cruel. This is despite us having dogs our whole lives until 2 years ago when my parents last dog died. They all had crates although were never rarely locked away as they didn’t need to be. When my eldest was born my parents dog used to be kept in the kitchen with a stair gate but since the dog died, they have moved to a open plan house so this now isn’t a option.

My mum has also refused to have a crate/playpen. Not because she doesn’t believe in using them like my sister, but because she doesn’t want to store it there for the whole week as my sister won’t be bothered to bring it backwards and forwards every week.

I don’t hate my sister, or my family. I love them enough to want to be around them for a day every week. This doesn’t mean I can’t have opinions and can’t feel pissed off by them. My sister has always been the golden child. Im not jealous of her because of it, I actually feel a bit sorry for her because the constant pandering has left her as a adult who can’t make sensible decisions, can’t take criticism and believes the world revolves her. Despite being in her early 30s she is very immature and irresponsible and lacks common sense. - hence her buying a dog she hasn’t got the capacity to look after properly, and despite being told by at least me several times, she didn’t seem to comprehend that having a animal of any kind means you sometimes need to make sacrifices and miss out on things.

I could see my parents on a different day but my dad still works so he only gets the weekend off and they wouldn’t want to spend the whole weekend seeing me on a Saturday and my sister on a Sunday which I can understand. Plus when I did suggest it, it kicked off because it would mean my sister never seeing my children and she took great offence to it.

The dog isn’t just a pain because it bit my child, in general it’s a complete liability. My 4 year can’t sit on the floor and play because the dog comes bounding over and jumping all over everyone. He has to sit at the dining table kneeling on the chairs, because the puppy thinks his dangling feet are a hanging toy. I can’t put my baby down on the floor and when he is asleep he is currently in a Moses basket on a stand but the dog is constantly jumping up at it, so me and my husband have to tag team and protect a child each which is exhausting.

I don’t know anyone else who has a trained dog that I can ‘socialise’ my son with to get him used to dog. My friend has an untrained cavapoo and that’s just as bad, constantly jumping up at my face and all over me constantly so I don’t take my children at all. My in laws have a lovely gentle dog but it’s absolutely massive and it intimidates my son as the dogs face is face height for my son.

Yes I probably could buy a playpen for my children, however I don’t see why my 4 year old and 4 month should have to stay contained to a play pen for most of a Sunday so a untrained dog can have the run of a house. Surely if a playpen isn’t good enough for a dog, I shouldn’t be expected to put my children in one? Plus I don’t see why I should have a to go out a buy one to accommodate my sister when she is unwilling to accommodate us on any of the suggestions I have made. Petty? Probably.

My opinion is that my kids came first (as in born first), this is something we have done nearly every Sunday for at least 10 years since I left home to move in with my then boyfriend (now husband). My children just slotted into that routine and my 4 year old in particular loves the time he gets every week with my parents. I could understand if my sister had human children and I didn’t want to do certain things because my kids came first, but this is a dog that has completely changed the dynamic. I tried to have conversations with them both before they bought the dog to make them think about what was going to happen every week and how they may have to compromise. They didn’t take it on board and now it’s become my problem.

I wrote this thread because the way my family were acting (completely of the rails angry) has made me second guess myself. I just wanted some reassurance from strangers to know I wasn’t going absolutely mad and they are the ones being unreasonable which it seems the majority of people do agree with.

Not the point of the thread, but you all sound very enmeshed. You go to your parents every weekend, you can't do anything with your mum without your sister...

OP, you have your own family now. Invite your parents over instead. Tell your dsis the puppy isn't welcome.

Had any dog, puppy or not, drawn blood from my 4yo, they wouldn't be coming anywhere near them again.

Stick to your guns @carnivalqueenthethird

The guilt tripping is unacceptable. Your kids come first every single time.

YANBU. Not sure why some posters are giving you a hard time or why they can’t read your updates about your family refusing to have a playpen or crate for the puppy.

We are new puppy owners. We have what we consider the most adorable puppy in the world but she is being trained. We use a crate at home for her too. I do have older children than you and I wouldn’t bring them somewhere to a house where the puppy was out of control and biting little ones. Even if that means I would have to miss out for a while. I don’t get how we went from being a country that loves dogs to dogs have to go everywhere too. A well trained dog is a happy dog.

Your sisters dog will a nightmare as it gets older, no recall and no training.

Where does the OP say how old the puppy is for you to know it should be pretty much toilet trained? We have a 16 week puppy and it’s not 100% yet, usually due to us not spotting him going to the door but he definitely still has the odd unexpected accident. As the puppy is very mouthy I would assume it is still pretty young.
It also depends on the age of the puppy how long it can realistically be left alone, they do generally need to be taken pretty much everywhere. At 16 weeks we wouldn’t leave our puppy alone for a couple of hours, even though he’s crated and can’t actually get in any trouble or trash the house! He’s left completely alone every day for around 40 minutes whilst I go for a run and then usually another 15 minutes once I’m back while I have a shower but if I need to go anywhere for longer than that I drop him to my husband in work. We will slowly start to leave him longer periods but it’s not a quick job.

Your sister hasn't got the time to train the puppy but she's got time to sit on her arse every weekend in her mothers house for hours and let it shit and piss everywhere and potentially hurt the kids ? The puppy needs routine and disipline. It's cruel not to train it. Dogs love the reward of good behaviour and it makes for a much happier calmer environment for everyone. Sorry, but your sister and her man do not deserve the joy that owning a dog brings and the dog deserves so much better than those two Morons.

Your sister's attitude to the bite, which no doubt she'll describe as a nip, tells me all you need to know about the kind of owner she will be. While it's v v normal for a pup to do this especially to small children which I've heard they think are also pups (!), it is up to the owner to correct this. My DB has a v big dog and was so vigilant when he was a crazy puppy. He'd have been mortified if an of his nieces or nephews were bitten or frightened. It's really unfair to out any one or any animal ahead of others. But I'm afraid your sister doesn't sound like the type to accommodate others unfortunately. Crate training is v normal I thought, and effective.

She wouldn’t be pissed off she wasn’t invited, but she would invite her because of the hissy fit my sister would throw if she found out we had gone out without her. My sister has to be involved in everything otherwise she takes great offence. I couldn’t care less if she gets arsey with me, but she constantly bugs my mum so mum does it for an easy life I think.

True it’s up to her mum who she has round but op controls what age can control ie exposing children to this so she just goes round at different times.

sympathy op. Im
Not welcome at my mums as I commented on the dog constantly jumping up (it’s not a puppy) and scratching and ripping my tights and I got told to not come round as she can’t stop it and it’s only me it does it with. This is the dog that when she got it as a puppy her arms were in tatters, bleeding from the repeated scratches. It can’t be trained apparently.

I think your only hope is if your DM/F stick up for you and insists on a crate in their house. Surely. Acrate can be left outdoors all week and dried if needed and brought in on a Sunday ie no space being taken up. But again, it seems like your sister will settle for no compromise. I'm annoyed on your behalf. They sound like a really unsuitable couple for a puppy and I'd question the breeder who gave them the pup.

Compromise, do alternate weeks or the finance stays home with the puppy until it’s trained.

It does take a while to house train and all puppies go through a biting phase so this is normal- but personally I wouldn’t have taken my dog to someone else’s house before he was trained, especially if there were young children there.

This is a good suggestion. I will speak to her this week about it and see what she says. For the immediate term we won’t be going round until the dog has some kind of training. My 4 year old is now scared of it, so I think it even being in the house while he is, won’t go down well. Once/if it’s been trained the lead attached to the table may be a good way of making my son start to feel comfortable around it again.

i think it is lovely that you go to your parents, @carnivalqueenthethird i wish we had the option of that.

Your family's reaction (you haven't really said what your dad said/feels about all this?) is bonkers. Really bonkers.

I could see my parents on a different day but my dad still works so he only gets the weekend off and they wouldn’t want to spend the whole weekend seeing me on a Saturday and my sister on a Sunday which I can understand. Plus when I did suggest it, it kicked off because it would mean my sister never seeing my children and she took great offence to it.

In this case, i would make one final attempt to put your point across. As you have done here. And i would say this is my offer, and it is take it or leave it:
i will come alternate weekends with my children/DH but only if the dog is contained in a crate or absent.

The dog is not invited to my house until it is trained or goes in a crate.

The issue of not getting time with your mum without your sister is something else i would address. I am the mum in this scenario and my DDs get along really well. But even so, we make sure to do things separately. And as it happens i do things slightly more often with one than the other, but that is because the other is in a relationship and works full time, whereas the first is single and works part-time. It is what it is. Your mum needs a good talking to - leave your sister right out of any discussion, just tell your mum you want one-on-one time. And if she doesn't? That is sad, but at least you know officially.

Missing the point but you go every weekend for 5/6 hours?

I love my parents and my in-laws (and love to be fed and watered) but that is a huge chunk of the weekend.

Maybe this is a natural way to reduce the time a little / change the format / have you parents visit you.

You are both being a bit unreasonable. She should train her dog and restrain him while at your mums and you should try and negotiate with her that she will contain him while your young kids are around . This way you both benefit , the dog gets used to children in a proper way and your kids learn to be around a dog . Win win

In the summer when it’s warmer yes, but in the winter it won’t happen. My sister treats the dog like a baby anyway, and although I’m not its biggest fan at the moment, I so don’t think it’s fair to lock it outside for 5/6 hours. It would be much happier in its own home, I’m sure of it. That being said, in the summer my
oldest is outside all the time, so the dog would need to be locked inside. The issue is that my sister wants the dog to be as equally included as my children. And as much as I like dogs, I don’t consider them equal.

no you haven't gone mad and they ABU.

Oh goodness, well I could easily write a whole new thread about the bridezilla 😂. I won’t go into too much detail as there’s already been so much, but the dog is supposedly walking down the aisle.. I’m using the word walk very loosely here as I can’t imagine it will walk nicely anywhere as it currently stands. More like run riot, jumping up and ripping people’s clothes. I keep imaging it pulling my sisters veil off her head and that is giving me some sick satisfaction at the minute!

Dog crate

You are not mad for refusing to go anymore.
Your sister knows she is causing a problem.
Your mother won’t tackle her about it. It is easier to upset you than upset the golden sister.
But you cannot tolerate going in the current situation. You have explained why. Time to stop going around every week and when your sister is there.

My DC all come home on a saturday and are often here for 5 to 6 hours. It's my favourite part of the week especially seeing my grandkids. We are a close knit family and it's just something we do.

No my husband doesn’t either. Yes she is an attention seeker. I’m sure someone will come at me for this as I apparently hate my sister but I do think she is jealous of the attention my oldest gets and now I have a second it will only get worse. She absolutely hates the fact that my son likes her fiancé more than her. It’s not just her, my son loves men. He would much rather be with my husband, grandads on both sides and my sister fiancé than he would with any of the women.