To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

"My parents have a big garden so they are using the garden at the weekend as a way of getting out of taking it for a walk."

Could the dog go in the garden when you visit?
Though still think alternate weekends would be good. Don't you ever need time to do something different?

The dog has bitten my little boy and drawn blood. He is now scared of the dog. I love my sister dearly but it doesn’t mean I can’t say she is immature and irresponsible and she is unfortunately both. You may think it’s acceptable for a dog to bite your children and force them to be around it without any kind of training of restraint, but I am certainly not prepared to risk another accident at the expense of my kids. I’m more than happy to reintroduce my children to the dog once it’s been trained, but my sister and her partner have bought a dog they have no time or desire to train so this isn’t going to happen anytime soon and somehow this is now my problem to sort out.

If you actually took the time to read the thread instead of making assumptions about me. You would already know that a playpen/crate for the dog is not an option.

You tell your sister and mum that you understand the puppy can't be left alone neither your kids therefore you won't be attending to to take the risk of any hassle with your kids because of an un trained puppy. That is all.

I'm one of those people who never leaves their dog alone, as he's got very bad separation anxiety. But we tagteam looking after him, so family aren't involved in his care.

Your Dsis is bonkers to even contemplate that the baby can be dragged along by the dog. Unsafe in the extreme.

I think you really need to hold your nerve here. Dog is getting neglected, parents are not helping you, sister sounds batshit.

It's an unsafe situation and a major accident waiting to happen.

After this update I wouldn’t go full stop and I would be open and honest about how disappointed I was about my parents prioritising dog over their grandchildren. I would complain to all relatives and friends who would listen.
Please don’t keep silence about it - be open and honest about how you feel about this treatment of you and your children. Your parents and your sister both need a bit of harsh reality.

Puppies have teeth like needles and this is still a very young pup so hasn't learned any manners yet. He's going to be a bundle of uncontrolled energy for a while so you're going to need a solution.

If your sister won't put the pup in a playpen and your parents won't contain the pup at all then nobody can ever relax. I vote for alternate weekends. I can understand your sister not wanting to leave the pup (it is still a very little baby) and you OBVIOUSLY can't leave your children, so I think you might just have to agree to visit separately until such time as dog is better behaved.

She said today she can’t wait for the puppy to pull my babies sleepsuit and try to drag him along the floor

This is deeply fucked up. Your baby isn’t a bloody dog toy or Instagram prop.

Keep them separate - your sister needs a dose of reality.

This. Ask your dm if she thinks this is acceptable!

Just thinking is there a way to get a baby gate fitted in your mums house to partition off part of the downstairs for the dog

Agree with you. Sister should bring a suitable crate with her for puppy to go in for naps, with toys, water (attached to crate so can't knock it over or drown in it) and a puppy pad. No wonder it's hyper if left to run around all day with two small DC.

The puppy bit a child. Not much joy in that!

It’s only a bit of puppy poo/wee! Calm down and enjoy some fur baby cuddles, OP @carnivalqueenthethird

And the world doesn’t revolve around bloody dogs especially untrained ones and daft owners who treat dogs like accessories than actual animals.

The sister doesn’t even want to properly train the dog or properly care for it. OP is removing her children from the situation like a decent parent and nothing is really stopping her parents from visiting her instead. Pretty sure if the worse were to happen and OP’s young children were hurt by this puppy, you’d be blaming OP instead for having her children there in the first place, not the owner and their dog because it’s “a puppy”.

Under her sister’s care, it’s going to be another untrained dog and I bet the moment it bites sister, she is going to get rid of it or will get rid it of it once the “puppy stage” wears off and she can’t handle the dog. Few are going to go “awww it’s just a puppy” if it bites someone else and the sister calls them a wimp and: shows little remorse.

YANBU. You've (by the sounds of it) been there numerous times now with the dog around, seen no improvement in its behaviour, have expressed concern, its bitten your DS and it sounds like you've offered suggestions which have all been dismissed because they don't fit with your Dsis.

I'd be hurt because it seems that your parents, whilst trying to please both their DD's, are putting your Dsis and her latest fad before their own DGC.

Sounds dramatic but how would your parents/DSis etc. feel like if the dog turned on one of them or even worse, managed to get hold of your tiny baby? You hear these kind of news stories all the time. Just doesn't bear thinking about I know, but that is what you are protecting your DC from. It's a no brainer.

You said your DSis and her 'fiance'....I can't wait to read your thread about 'bridezilla'...

I don’t think it’s a coincidence she got a puppy the same time you had a new baby OP. Is she an attention seeker?

As someone who has a child who is now very wary of dogs due to an incident when he was little (around 3-4 years old he was knocked over and nipped by a puppy of a family member), I don't think you are unreasonable to not put your DCs in that situation. We have spent the last 4 years trying to undo one small incident and ensure DS is more comfortable around dogs. Most family and friends understand that and compromised if they wanted to us to visit. Which now means DS is comfortable around those dogs of those family/friends....those that did not and we didn't visit....he still wont get near those dogs.

I also don't think your mum is unreasonable to not ban the dog from the house.
Or you sister not wanting to leave the dog at home.
I think the no crate is a unreasonable as I know alot of people that do this around children.
But they do need to understand if they don't compromise then there is a consequence to that.
You've offered compromises (a crate, leaving the dog home or going alternative weekends) which I think are suitable for the situation. From your posts I gather you don't mean never bring the dog again, just until they have better trained the dog.

Stop pandering to your sister and book the tickets to take your mum.

YANBU OP. Anybody with common sense knows that you don't mix babies and animals. Humans should trump dogs every time and your sister is being ridiculous and so are your parents for not seeing that you cannot take your DC there if the dog is on the loose.

Even when it grows up, if it has a wonderful temperament, the lovliest dog in the world can still bite if somebody hurts it by accident.

I don't know anyone who has had a puppy and taken it to somebody else's house before it is toilet trained. Cockapoo's can be very excitable. I love dogs, but my friend always shut hers away because it would jump up at my legs, and I have a condition where I get cellulitis if my legs get scratched.

Your sister and partner leave it alone when they are at work. If they choose to go to your mum every weekend, then they should leave it alone that day too.

The obvious question is, why on earth did they get a dog when they are out 6 days of the week.

The other point is, that you are not going to want to/be able to keep going to your mum every week as your DC grow up. There will be birthday parties and sports matches etc and you just won't have time. When I met XH, he worked every Sat and saw his family every Sun. I had to ask in the end to cut it back because I wanted to vist my family on occasion or go out for a day. Things change.

Maybe it is best to cut it back now, invite them to yours sometimes without sister, or your mum alternates, so each you go there EOW.

I love dogs, we don’t tell our cats to move when someone wants to sit in a space they are, when we get a dog it will not have a crate (but it will be trained)…I still think your sister is being ridiculous. And I don’t even think she’s treating the puppy like a human child - a human child you’d manage in a stage appropriate way - she’s not even doing that.
But I also think you might just need to let her (and your mum?) rage- be it the puppy or not being invited places. And you need to start making it happen much more often. You say it’s either the puppy or your family- you get there, you get out check if puppy’s at your parents if so you leave (no drama just leave and not engage in any fallout), she arrives after you with the puppy you collect family and leave; she rages that she can’t do flower shower tell her you’re sorry she’s upset and ignore her, she turns up anyhow with her own ticket (oh how lovely- see you for tea and cake in 2h). It all needs rebalancing especially if you want the option of your mum taking care of your younger one. Yes, there might be a blow out but you cannot go through life constantly appeasing people who are unreasonable.

I think the dog needs to be on a short lead at all times inside. I think it’s unreasonable to say that the dog can’t be there. If the dog was on a short lead or in a puppy pen then everyone would be safe.

Sorry but if the dog is biting and being unhygienic then it’s not safe to have your kids there. It’s up to your sister to get the dog under control. Until then I’d also refuse to visit when dog is there. I was bitten by a dog as a child and am very wary of them now.

Can you sister not crate the puppy for part of your visit?

I knew it was going to be a cockapoo. A dog walking friend in the village has got one and it's now 5 - and totally untrained. If you see her out on a walk it jumps all over you, covering you in mud. I now have to turn and walk off quickly if I see her out as I know that my coat will get filthy. I've got 2 spaniels and they were trained by 16 weeks not to jump up.

Cockapoos are super intelligent dogs, and can easily be trained but in the wrong hands (and most of the ones I've met are) they're a liability. I wouldn't hold any hope out for this improving, OP.

They are ignoring the core issue and blaming you for this situation because you are the one that is finding it a problem, it's nothing to do with who's right and wrong, you are the one who doesn't want to continue coming at the same time as them, so in their minds YOU are the cause of the problem, it's bonkers but true. Puppy bites are painful and they are being dicks to your son by finding it funny, I'd be refusing to go too unless compromises were made.. but I'm a dog person and would never suggest a dog being crated for 5-6 hours.

There are ways of temporarily fixing this problem, go at separate times, on separate days or alternate weekends, you host at yours and don't allow them to bring the dog, you go to parents early, they go later and just cross over for dinner, take a playpen for either the dog, or the baby.. I'd let them know that is is temporary and you're open to all being together when the dog is no longer play biting and has better training.

If no compromise can be had then say your parents will just have to visit you.

Part of the problem though is your incredibly judgmental attitude towards your sister, if you are the same in real life as on here it is not a surprise that they all see you as the problem, you need to pick your battles more carefully IMO and keep your nose out of their business the rest of the time, what they do is up to them and you are way too opinionated of things that are nothing to do with you.