To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

YABU.
I’m sure the existence of your toddler and baby have inconvenienced your family at stages. With noise, getting into stuff, just being kids.
It is now the same for the puppy, which is a baby dog. You just make it work both with kids and the dog because all are part of the family.
Teach your pre-schooler to be good with animals and get a playpen for your baby if you don’t want to hold the baby for the whole visit.
It is now your turn to adapt to other people’s circumstances, the world doesn’t revolve around you and your children.

but I know if I book the tickets a fight will ensue because sister wasn’t invited,

Honestly if your mum would be pissed off that your sister wasn't invited I'd be pulling right back.

Can't help thinking that if your sister has kids yours will be pushed aside.

This.
Alternate weekends,

tell her this.

Tbh if you are going to have a fall out over your ridiculous sister and her even more ridiculous dog, and your mum's batshit attitude - might as well go for it.

Talk about how great it would be to go to the garden show. REALLY lay it on about how it would be great for her birthday. And then say "but you're getting a voucher for a garden centre because of you and sister being fuckers about me never getting time with you alone" and then see how it goes (language appropriate to your relationship)

Hold your boundary. The dynamic between you and your sister and mother is one where your sister rules, and you are used to falling in line to keep the peace. That’s how you have a situation where, despite your child being bitten and scared, you are the one coming up with solutions while they reject them and call YOU unreasonable!

I think you need to match your sister’s style here, in as much as be inflexible and express your own disappointment in them if you like. Make it a red line. I expect they are only on at you as they expect you to fall in line with what your sister wants as you always do.

This is me 100% too, as a result of only weekend visits to a noisy dog as a baby/very young child, not ever bitten though. You need to think of the trauma it will cause your children as those early memories will affect them for life.

Your last two sentences seem to be the root of the problem to be honest

I can never do anything with just my mum. It’s a pain.

That's your mum's choice by the sound of things.

I was bitten by a dog on the street last week - owner wasn’t paying attention. If I hadn’t had the wit and strength to react quickly, it would have been very nasty indeed. A child wouldn’t be able to react like I did.

As it is I‘m in pain and on antibiotics (given as standard with dog/cat/horse bites due to the bacteria in the animals‘ mouths as their teeth puncture your skin.)

As I told a school Dad why I was limping, he told me of a baby on his street who had been attacked by a dog. If his Dr wife hadn’t been home to help, this neighbour‘s baby would have died.

I wouldn’t even consider having children of that age near an out of control dog. Particularly as one has already been bitten.

There‘s maybe a discussion to be had about how OP talks to her family about this - maybe more as now a child has been bitten, how can we ensure it never happens again?

The children and the dog are not equal here and it’s not her dog. While her sister seems a bit of a handful her approach is primarily about protecting her children not annoying her sister. The very young children’s happiness never mind their safety takes absolute precedence here over everything else, particularly the dog, in a sane universe not the one where dogs seem to be our overlords. She has suggested a load of compromises which have been rejected and she’s now perfectly correct to simply refuse to visit while the dogs there. Stay strong OP you have been far too accommodating.

I’m sure the existence of your toddler and baby have inconvenienced your family at stages.

and yet, @Pancakeorcrepe i'll take a punt at saying they don't piss and shit on the floor and bite people hard enough to draw blood.

Your sister is giving me the absolute rage 😡
I would want to slap her and your mum wouldn’t be far behind for enabling her.
Stick to your guns OP
Every other weekend or a different day but never when the dog is there.
I am the biggest dog lover and feel sorry that this pup is being set up to fail.

I’ve lived this family dynamic. Nothing will change if you keep accepting it. You’re having relationships by committee. It’s hard and painful - but it sounds like your life is completely dictated by other people. You don’t need their permission to do what you know is right. If they don’t agree and have a meltdown, so what? You don’t have to pacify them.
By capitulating, you’re just delaying the inevitable.
Keep it low energy, say as little as possible, don’t attempt to persuade them, don’t engage in their tantrums and manipulation. Grey rock until they run out of steam. They aren’t being reasonable therefore it’s a waste of energy to wait for them to be reasonable. They will come round - and if they don’t, this outcome was always on rails until you hit an issue you wouldn’t be bullied into agreeing to.
Lots of love to you. X

They like clearing up after the dog??

I hate people that don't train dogs. It's cruel

Your sister and mother are being unreasonable in not having a pen or crate for the puppy to have down time. Puppies are like babies in that they need routine and regular nap times. When they are tired they become more manic and bitey. They need a nap every couple of hours. Also need taking outside for toileting at least every hour unless asleep. At the moment they are failing to meet the dogs needs and the needs of your children. YANBU

FGS children and dogs are not equal. It’s not up to OP to adapt. She is a mum of two very young children any adapting should be by her mum and sister. The world should revolve round the mum and children not the DOG.

Stay home on the weekends, your parents can visit you instead? I wouldn’t risk a badly behaved dog around my kids either.

I’d be sorely tempted to try and address the real problem here with your mum prioritising your sister, as as it sounds like the dog will be just the tip of the iceberg in terms of similar issues coming up down the line.

For an easier route, could you ask your sister to compromise with a lead attached to something (the table?) in the open plan house? The dog would have free rein around, say, one end of the table, and your kids would be free to avoid or interact within the dog zone if they chose. It wouldn’t solve the problem entirely but at least there would be limits (provided your sister didn’t “accidentally” let the lead go long or similar).

Nah. It's not a matter of "inconvenience", it's a matter of protecting a baby and small child from a dangerous animal.

Don't visit if the dog's there and don't listen to the dog fanatics on Mumsnet.

the thing is, OP has all the cards here, surely? if the doting grandparents (and where is OPs dad in all this? is he just passive?) want to see her children, they need to bend a bit. Or they just don't see them.

Who would blink first?

Oh my god - I would so mad at my sister if she was this extreme about looking after her dog but was absolutely fine with her dog biting my actual baby or toddler. I like dogs a lot but human babies/children have got to be higher up in the pecking order for protection FFS.

This isn't in question. The home owners set the rules, but it's for visitors to decide whether they want to be there under those conditions or not.

The dog has already bitten a child. OP, of course YANBU.

No but they are her children and she doesn’t need to take them to an environment she doesn’t wish too .

I would be fuming if my sister said that to me - she never would. Wow!

"... you have to understand that (to your sister) this puppy is her child..."

No it isn't and the OP doesn't have to understand it.

"... and build a friendship with his new (furry little) cousin..."

It's a dog. It's nobody's cousin.

People like you anthropormorphising dogs are a cause of the problem.