To stop visiting if my sister brings her dog

[carnivalqueenthethird]

My family (husband & 2 kids) and my sister and her fiancé go to our parents every weekend for a roast. It’s something we’ve always done so nothing new.

My kids are 4 and 4 months old.

My sister has a new puppy - very cute but obviously hyper. At some point she has agreed with my mum that she can bring the dog round with her every weekend and I’m not happy about it for a couple of reasons.

Firstly the dog albeit a puppy is not being trained so it’s a complete nightmare, shits and wee’s everywhere, no recall etc. I know it will take time but my sister and her fiancé don’t really have the time to train a dog (not sure why they got one in the first place, because their work patterns and lifestyle do not lend themselves to taking care of a dog), so this isn’t going to change any time soon, if at all.

Secondly the dog is constantly jumping up at everyone, playing but biting, its teeth are needle sharp and my 4 year old got bitten last week and it punctured his finger, he now doesn’t like the dog. I also can’t put my baby down on the floor at any point because I know the dog is going to jump all over him and potentially scratch/bite. We are there for a good 5/6 hours every time we go, so to hold a baby for that long is difficult.

I told my parents that we won’t be coming round every weekend if the dog is there. My sister has flown off the handle, which I’m used to, but is saying she can’t leave the dog alone as it’s too young. My mum has started guilt tripping me by saying I’m keeping her grandchildren away.

I have said, I’m not keeping the kids away maliciously, I’m happy to come round if the dog isn’t there, but im not prepared for my oldest to be scared in a house he should feel safe in, and for us to not be able to put the baby down on the floor to play all day. I have suggested if my sister can’t leave the dog, maybe she or her fiancé should be the one staying home.

The conversation hasn’t gone down well at all, totally blown out of proportion to be honest and now I’m starting to second guess myself on whether I am being unreasonable or not?

Thoughts?

Her child was bitten by her sister's dog and her sister mocked the four year old for crying until she noticed all the blood. I don't think OP sounds awful at all.

Her sister sounds like a spoilt teenager tbh even though she is actually in her 30s. She is obviously their mum's favourite.

While you absolutely are not being unreasonable, it's your mum's house, so it's her choice

The only peacemaking thing I can think of is alternating who goes to see her

Her sister won’t use a crate and her mum won’t have one in the house.
The house is open plan, apart from the downstairs toilet, if the sister refuses to contain the puppy which sounds like that has been the case the OP has no choice but to suggest alternate weekends.
TBH if my family prioritised a dog over my children and then moaned about a sensible solution I’d be disparaging about them
as well.
We have dogs, only one of them is allowed to free roam when we have visiting children the other is popped behind a baby gate because she’s an excitable whirlwind and would accidently knock small ones over and the other is popped in her crate as she is a little nervous and I wouldn’t like her to feel uncomfortable.
This is what sensible people do…. They don’t leave a pup for hours when they work but say they can’t leave it for the length of a Sunday roast, call a child a wimp for crying when being bitten by sharp puppy teeth (which actually really hurts!) or refuse to contain it to allow a 4 month old to sit on the floor!
Cockers are highly strung and a bit neurotic, poodles are super intelligent. This dog is going to be a total nightmare if boundaries aren’t put in place.
A lot of dogs end up in rescue around 6-18 months old due to situations like this and then it’s left to others to try and ‘fix’ the problems.

I don't think you're unreasonable as you've said you're going to stay away and haven't made demands. Any reasonable grandparent would then choose their grandchildren over a dog and tell the sister to leave it at home.

Unfortunately she's the golden child. That's the problem here.

I can’t understand why you’d go to a house where there is a very real potential for a dog to take a bite out of your baby’s face. That’s on you, not your irresponsible sister. Because you are being irresponsible putting both your children in danger.

Could the dog go in a spare bedroom upstairs?

It's not a solution if it's rejected. Simply not going is enough of a solution until another one is found.
Also, it's not nice to call someone daft at all, let alone based on one side of a story.

As the saying goes, there are three sides to every story, yours, theirs and the truth.

Time to take a step back. Ask your parents around for a few hours, your sister is welcome, the dog isn’t. Put it back on them. Make it obvious to your parents that they are choosing the dog and your sister. Say to them that she’s an adult, if she has a tantrum thats something she needs to work on, but is no one else’s business. Easier to write down that do I know.
My sister is older than me but a bit like that. My parents will take her meals, visit. They haven’t been to my house for months. (I see them
by going to theirs)

Of all the options and compromises available, the only acceptable one for your sister and parents is the one where your child is terrified and probably bitten.

Have you asked them why, in exactly those terms?

So what's the point of this thread? To bash the sister and get validation from strangers online?

She can just not go and call it a day 😂 instead she's here making remarks about her family that are rather unbecoming.

YANBU.

If they won't consider extremely reasonable solutions like a play pen or crate for the puppy, then they're setting the poor thing up to fail anyway. Puppies need downtime and naps and somewhere to retreat to from excitable children, as much as children need to be able to play on the floor without being bitten or crawling on carpet that's been wee-ed or poo-ed on.

Dog bites can be very dangerous and are taken seriously for their infection risk.

YANBU

But how is OP unreasonable when her Sister and mother refuse to implement any way to facilitate this magical “semi separate” solution? She asked about a crate. They refuse. The house is open plan. OP has explained this repeatedly already. Her DSis expects the puppy to have full run of the house and won’t accept a compromise.

If OP would compromise but her DSis will not how is OP in any way unreasonable for keeping her children safe from a biting dog?

Thats an unkind comment . So she keeps going there and let's her children be bitten by the dog ? Errr , I don't think so .
She is not being unreasonable to ask that the dog is kept away from her kids or not to be told by her mum that she is keeping her gc away from her by not continuing to show up .
Op , I would go on another day when your sister isn't there .

As someone who was terrified of dogs as a child (and still feels very, very uneasy around them as an adult) you are not being unreasonable. Repeated exposure to well trained dogs will help your children but repeated exposure to untrained dogs will only enable their fear to grow.

Your sister is clearly doing a power play here in an attempt to maintain control over your parents.

I suspect there's a level of jealousy towards you about how much attention your kids are getting from their grandparents. Subconsciously her solution is to get a dog and try to put it on the same footing as grandchildren and force her parents into openly choosing her so in her mind the power and control is restored.

Unfortunately your parents are being silly and short sighted and can't see they are being played.

Stand firm, protect your children and try to assert healthier dynamics in your family. It won't be easy because you'll be seen as the trouble maker for forcing change, but it will be good for your children and the next generation going forward.

Have the courage to break the cycle. Good luck.

Sounds like you are being reasonable and have offered lots of suggestions, whereas your sister hasnt.
She isn't unreasonable to want to bring the puppy, but from what you've said (not toilet trained, not crate trained, never left), she is in for a whole heap of trouble later on!
Id invite your mum to yours on a Saturday and then your sister still has the sunday to go there.. Be clear this is something youre happy to revisit once puppy is over it's landshark days!

Your mum will just have to be disappointed won’t she?

It is insane that you can’t spend time with your mum without sister there. If you bought tickets for Chelsea FS for the two of you, and sister kicked off, what would happen? Would your mother refuse to go?

Sometimes it takes having children of your own to realise fully and acknowledge truthfully, just how toxic your family of birth are.

Your family are toxic.
It is not normal to put an animal ahead of the safety of children.

For your childrens sake, step back from them.
I certainly wouldn't dream of trusting my children to people with such flawed judgement and basic intelligence.

Well they can't complain they're not bringing the grandkids over then?

Oh my gosh you are soo not being unreasonable! The dog has proven that it cannot be trusted around your children, and your family have shown that they care more about the dog more than your children’s safety. If the dog is not trained it’s also really unhygienic for the kids to be around it.
I for one was viciously bitten by a dog that “never bites“ and is “so friendly” when I was younger…🙄 it seems some people forget that dogs are animals - not humans.
the dog should be in a crate while your children are there, to maintain their safety and give you and your family peace of mind. If they cannot do that, suggest meeting somewhere else where the dog is not invited - like your home or a restaurant.

And this is why everyone should stick to cats 😻😹

Sorry if I've missed it somewhere OP but could you start hosting your parents every other weekend instead of going to them?

True but she’s under no obligation to accept those rules.

DP and DSis are being utterly unreasonable. They are not allowing any options where your child and baby are not terrorised by an untrained puppy.
For the sake of your kids you MUST stand firm.
I can partially understand DSis because in her eyes her 'baby' can do no wrong. But your DP should be able to take a more balanced view and understand your extremely fair arguments for you or the dog staying away - and should support you.

Poor dog. Sounds like it will end up very unhappy or being rehomed.