Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

It's selfish to expect it of anyone.

Yanbu. Would never blow that much money on a hen do.

I get that this is a very personal decision and in an ideal world it wouldnt be such a big deal for me to leave my dc. I realise that lots of people are able to go off on holidays and leave their dc behind and that this is a normal and healthy thing to do.

However due to lots of factors, mainly having no family support, I’ve never been away for more than one night and this has usually only been for work reasons. I’m sure dc would be fine but Dh would have his hands full for sure and I would miss them. Maybe that does make me wet and unreasonable but my dc come before hen dos and I don’t really want to put myself in a position where I’ve spent loads of money just to wish I was back at home.

Motherhood isn’t my entire personality but my dc are my priority.

Just say no ! Not many women have all that spare money and annual leave. Lots of mums would be be uncomfortable leaving small children for that long. If you’re not comfortable with it then don’t do it.
And having an expensive hen abroad means that loads of people won’t be able to go.

Is there any need for the snide remarks? I do have a life. I work, I have hobbies and a social life. My life is somewhat restricted by the fact I have no family support and do have dc so yeah caring for them is my main priority. But please don’t try and make that sound like a shameful or pathetic thing.

I think it's great that your dc are your priority, and I don't understand the snide remarks - not necessary.

Sit this one out, celebrate with the bride to be separately eg with a lovely afternoon tea somewhere gorgeous.

💐

Totally okay to say no. I’d just see it as an invitation, not an obligation.

I wouldn’t be into it personally, and I def don’t have the finances for it, but I’d be happy to be asked by a friend. That means she think of you as close and wants you there / or wants you to feel included.

I think it would have been worse to assume someone with kids wouldn’t want to come and to not be asked.

You of course know your friend best. Your worry about how to decline shows either your friend has unreasonable expectations on you (and others invited who may say no) or that you have poor boundaries and think saying no to friends threatens your relationship with them. Going and being resentful would be no-ones fault but your own.

I wouldn't just because of those sleeping arrangements. I've agreed with myself this year that I will not go away for more than one night if it involves sharing a room with anyone other than DP or DC. Like you I have bowel issues and I need space to escape if necessary. A night I can cope with, any longer...nope.

Just say no. There are numerous reasons not to go. I'd try and make it up to the bride some other way though

Sounds like a nightmare. Who wants to be going - on what is basically a sleepover - at 40 years old. It would be different if it was a nice hotel. I would save your money.

But please don’t try and make that sound like a shameful or pathetic thing

It was you that said in several posts that you’re aware it sounds tragic and that you sound wet?

How is the OP Martyring herself? Its beyond me how anyone would want to go to this sort of event.

I think you’re confused on the definition of ‘martyrdom’. OP would simply prefer to be with her family rather than spend money, energy and annual leave on a trip that she doesn’t want to go on.

That’s valid and it’s not martyrdom. Get a dictionary.

I don’t do hen dos like this. I don’t find them enjoyable and have always declined. If the bride has ever had an issue with that then it says more about their selfishness and inflated views of themselves than how much I value friendship. Therefore they aren’t the people for me and we’re better off going our separate ways.

Because I know that’s how it will sound to other parents who can happily trot off and leave their dc without a backwards glance. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with that, just that it’s not me. I’m deeply sorry that I enjoy being with my dc.

Are you here purely to be bitchy about other people’s choices? I’m in a difficult position and have asked for advice but you seem intent on name calling and being unpleasant.

My posts may come across unpleasant if they’re not what you wish to hear, however highlight to me where I have been name calling? “Martyr yourself if you wish” does not count as name calling by the way.

My intention isn’t to be “bitchy” no, you’ve posted your dilemma for others to engage and debate. Honestly you sound overly sensitive.

Ok thank you for your feedback.

If you don’t want to go because it’s expensive and excessive then that’s fine and a perfectly good reason.

You’re not leaving your child though as they’ll be with their Dad so that shouldn’t be an issue at all.

Have you said you're going, OP? If you have agreed then you are in danger of possibly changing the friendship forever. Have you paid any money? Or have you said you're waiting for your leave to be approved?

I also suffer IBS and would probably struggle in that environment. However, sometimes it does us good to do things that make us uncomfortable. A few years back I went on a 40th night away, I am not a girls girl but my friend was dear to me and as out of place as I felt and as awful as my stomach was, I powered through. However, it was only one night. My daughter was 4 at the time.

Ask yourself, are you afraid of the new experience?
If it will not jeopardise the family a holiday for all of you, then go to the hen.

If you are also able to take time off work, you should go. For both if applicable.

If you can easily afford this and will not be out of pocket or you can save for this one off, you should go.

You child will be fine with dad.

Don't let fear hold you back 💪

People who have weddings or hen do's abroad need to appreciate that not everyone will be happy or able to go. It is what it is.
Don't go if it's too much upset and hassle.

I wouldn't be going in your situation @auntfanny6 I'm not sure how much annual leave you get a year but with children you need it for their nursery/school holidays, surely?
That's before we get onto cost and so on.
Decline gracefully, and the bride should be aware already that a hen do of this nature is going to mean not all potential hens can make it along. So she shouldn't be taking the huff with you.

I get it op. We also don’t have any family here whatsoever and if dh or I aren’t here it’s a huge thing. We don’t holiday away from our kids either and neither do we want to. Also there is NO way I would be spending precious annual leave on someone else’s hen do.

Well in MY DAY for a hen do you got a Babycham and a pickled egg and thought yourself lucky