Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

I wouldn't go if you don't want to.

But if you did want to go, your daughter would be fine at home with dad. Many parents work away etc, it is no big drama.

How strong is your friendship and how long have you known her?

She’s got very high expectations, so realistically she must know some people won’t be able to afford it.

When you decide, face it as soon as possible and be very kind but firm, so she doesn’t try to guilt trip you.

Except she says the money is not the issue.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable to not want to go. As others have said, it’s an invite not a summons. However, you are aware that sometimes, depending on the nature of those involved, there may be consequences to not going - you have said this will cause problems with the Bride.
this shouldn’t be a reason that makes you go against your wishes but may change the friendship. It also may not. Only you know your friend and how she will react.
she is welcome to have the hen do she wishes though I think she’s getting a bit of a rough deal as it’s not even her arranging it.
with regards to your excuse - do be aware that some people will attempt to solve the reason that you give. We used to £ once to avoid going and then were told a week later- you’ve been paid for as we really want you there.
what are the plans for the wedding? If you are having to spend a lot of money and use leave for this then everyone may be more understanding about the hen.
I’ve found that in the long run it doesn’t help to put everyone else’s feelings and wants before your own.

if "absences will be noted" in your friendship group, i wouldn't call it "friendship"

Just politely decline, and handle any fall-out gracefully. Including withdrawing completely and not going to the wedding.

It is ridiculous. What happened to a boozy meal and maybe a club afterwards?

I didn’t go to a family wedding as it was 2 days away and childfree. My annual leave and time with my kids is more important I am afraid.

you wouldn't be included in my list of "friends" with this attitude.

When you have children you have to be careful with your holiday allowance (I agree that OP needs to get time away from her children for her own good, that is a side issue here)

4 expensive days at a time when people are scrabbling around for school holiday childcare? or will be soon? nope

Because OPs 4 days may also mean her DH has to donate some vacation days too.

Any friend who shits on decisions i make is no friend.

Take all the posts over MN about crappy hen dos abroad that they were guilted into altar went pear shaped and now everyone is fighting as a sign - don’t go, enjoy your family x

god just saw it's shared rooms in bunkbeds.

hahahaha. Never. Ever. And i went to boarding school and was in the army. I am waaaay past blowing lots of money on that kind of thing.

Time away from children and use of annual leave need to be worth it, don't they.

For us, if I needed to use annual leave to go then it means it also falls on a DH working day, which means that for him to take over childcare he likely also needs to take AL because of his hours/distance to work not fitting with drop off / pick up / non nursery days. We don't have parents close enough by to cover these, mine are 4 hours away and DHs are too old to.

So that's double AL usage, or the cost of extra nursery days plus using good will of DHs workplace to allow him to start late/finish early to add onto the logistics/cost for me to go.

And that's all stuff we'd try and work out if it was something I really WANTED to do. 4 night hen do in Spain in my idea of hell, so I'd rather not use all that resource for it. Save it for something else.

Bit self indulgent on the bride’s part. I might swerve this one.

Abroad

Didn't need to read any more. No.

I think aside from the hen do you probably should be building up to some time away from your daughter. A night away here and there would be healthy for you.

Re the hen do, if your friend isn’t understanding that you can’t afford or take off time then she isn’t a fantastic friend. Most brides I know that have an abroad hen do also have a low key one in uk.

No, I wouldn't go on any hen do that would mean I had to use precious annual leave to join it.

TBH the more people decline these expensive, ‘leave-eating’, hen-do’s, the sooner (let’s hope!) more future brides will stop expecting their friends to indulge them.

I wouldn't want fair weather friends who throw a strop and punish me emotionally because I couldn't attend a 4 day abroad hen do as OP said this friend is like. Those kind of "friends" aren't the kind that are going to be there for you as a strong support anyway when the chips are down because they are inherently selfish!

Is this a joke 🤣

I wasn’t referring to OPs specific group of friends, my point was aimed at PP’s comment about 4 nights being a long time to be away from your child. It isn’t. A lot of women adopt this attitude when they become mothers, then they’re left with no identity or life of their own once their kid(s) grow up.

Have you considered at all that it could be quite nice for your DH and child to have four days together without mummy always being there? They will be absolutely fine and have lots of fun. Personally, I feel that you’ve got some kind of anxiety and codependency that probably needs rooting out.

yes, that is fine.
but blowing the budget for a family holiday on a hen-do abroad in a 4 to a room "luxury" break? fuck that

I went to NY for five days when DS was about four. They had a blast together and built the Death Star in Lego. But it had literally never occurred to me that DH was any less capable than I was of parenting our joint child in my absence. If it had, it would have been a sharp wakeup call that I had married an idiot.

What a lovely relaxed approach and so inclusive for your friends who couldn't travel.

Again, it's an invitation, not a legal summons.

The friend can invite, the OP is perfectly at liberty to decline.

There's zero point in getting exercised about whether it's unreasonable of the friend to issue the invitation, or for brides to be in general to have overseas hen weekends. They do, not infrequently. That's not in their invitees' control.

There's also zero point in the OP frothing herself up over whether her friend will ever forgive her for not attending. That's also outside her control.

All she can do is to make the decision that best suits her, and deal with the consequences, if any.

I would decline based on the cost, but I think YABU regarding being away for a couple of nights from your child.