Would you go on this hen do?

[auntfanny6]

Abroad for 4 nights to a Spanish resort in summer. Will require annual leave and quite expensive. Those things are annoying and inconvenient but doable. But I’ve never left my 4 year old overnight and am very anxious at the prospect. Dh will look after her but I feel like I will spend the whole run up to it dreading going away and just miss them while I’m away. I know this will probably sound tragic to many mums but when you have no family support and you’re with your kids all the time it feels like a big deal to leave them for that length of time.

I feel somewhat aggrieved at being put in this position as I know the bride will be royally hacked off if I don’t go (she is a close friend and it’s a small, intimate hen party so any absences will be noticed). But also, why can’t it just be a night out or even a night or two away in the uk?

Sounds like fun! I'd jump at the chance of an adults only weekend away! My kids are 3 and 5 and have been with their dad for over a week recently when I had to travel for a family emergency.

If your daughter is 4 she will be fine with dad for a few days.
You could always just do 2 nights.

If the reason really is that you wont have enough annual leave or it's too expensive then fair enough.

I got as far as “Abroad for 4 night”, stopped reading and clicked YANBU. Fuck that. People are so entitled these days when it comes to other people’s time and money.

I have left my toddlers to go abroad and it's been fine but it really isn't about that. You don't want to go; you don't want to use your annual leave that you probably save for your family and you don't want to share bunk beds and pay for the privilege. I would politely decline and hope she comes round.

100% too long to be away from your daughter. I know what it is like when you are with your children all the time. Do not allow anyone to make you feel bad for that in any way.

I disagree. Four days in the attention span of a four year old is an eternity. She is likely going to be crying at nights, where's mom, where's mom... And God know how her father will cope with the challenge.

I’d absolutely go, and have a great time. I’ve been on a girls trip every year since my kids were over 1 and stopped breastfeeding. A few days rest abroad is amazing and my husband does the same with his friends.

She might be upset but that's on her not you. So many peeps want fancy expensive do's that we can't always afford / nor want to attend.
The hen dos on MN often sound like my idea of hell tbh. I wouldn't go if I was you. If she is a real friend she'll be upset but needs to get over it in the long term.
Meet up for lunch or a dinner at later date. If she doesn't want to do that and she drops you then again that's not your problem.

So because you’ve chosen to never leave your child for 4 years, the bride should just do something that suits you and not her?!?!

I've left DD (who is now 4) for work things and such with her dad and he copes absolutely fine. Dad's can be capable. I know many Mumsnetters seem to be married to incompetent man children but let's assume that dad's can take care of kids until the OP tells us he's useless.

However I'm a big advocate for if you don't want to leave your children for that long then you don't have to for things like this. It's entirely within OPs gift to choose to stay home and it won't detriment anyone.

Because I occasionally have to go away for work, I only go away overnight without my family for anything optional if I actually want to do it. Anything else is a nope, and I won't be made to feel bad about that.

What harried, busy mother of small children wouldn't want a four-day break in a Spanish resort?

Er.. me. have you been to a hen do? they are cringey AF. Everyone gets completely trashed, often to the point of being tired and emotional, there is always bad karaoke, and everyone has a horrific hangover the next day (so much for "enjoying Spain"). I live in a town where people have hen do's every Sat night, they are excruciating. I can't think of anything less appealing personally.

Just saw its in bunk beds in a hostel LOL- even bloody worse. Hard no.

If I genuinely thought it would be good fun and the positives outweigh the negatives then yes. Otherwise no, which would be most likely. If I was going to spend a load of money and time on a trip with friends I would rather it was something we all chose together and not a hen do.

The fact that you think your friend would take big offence and potentially cause drama if you declined would make me question whether I would enjoy it. She doesn’t sound like someone I would look forward to spending that much time with…

The bride can do what she wants to expect other people and then get upset if they no is wrong

Hen do? No, hen don't!

Sounds like a thoroughly unappealing waste of money. I hope you're able to back out gracefully.

4 nights as the first time for your child away from you is too much

it sounds ridiculous to me and it will be expensive.

The sooner you pull out, the better. You won’t be the only one.

No, there is no way I would be giving up 4 days annual leave to an expensive resort away from my child.

Your priority is your child.
I have said No to things like this many times simply because I don't want to.

Good friends accept this and move on.
I would be rethinking any friendship if a person thought they came ahead of my children, even friends of decades.
They don't, much as I love them.

Don't go if you're going to be miserable and bring the mood down. Stay at home with your dd and be happy. 😊

By all means don't go if you can't afford it/don't want to use that much annual leave/can't get the time off.

But your 4 yo should be fine staying with their Dad for a few days? It might actually be good for them. And you might be surprised at how much of a boost a break will give you.

Can you go for 2 nights as a compromise? Just say work said no to your leave request but you've negotiated a shorter time.

The accommodation sounds awful. that alone would be a no from me. I often suggest attending the final day/part when people post this type of question - after being inspired by a friend’s friend IRL who did so and brought renewed energy to the group an she herself had a great time knowing she’d be back home the following day. I appreciate with flights this makes it harder but not impossible.

If the accommodation is a serious factor, by attending for a shorter duration you could source your own, more suitable accommodation too! Even if this was two nights in the uk I’d hate that accommodation and would be excusing myself and paying for my own hotel!

That’s a good way to phrase it. Be firm and just say no and buy her a few drinks one evening instead. These things get totally out of hand!

People are so selfish and inconsiderate with these expensive hen dos and abroad weddings. Expecting their friends to give up annual leave and spend a fortune to attend their over the top celebrations. Just say you can't afford the time/annual leave or the money. Be honest, who cares if she's cross, hopefully at some point she will realise she was the unreasonable one.

I wouldn't be using annual leave on a hen do. If you want to be diplomatic just say you can't get the time off. Or you can't afford it. Anything so you don't go! Yes she can have the hen do she wants but it doesn't mean everyone else has go along with it.

For what it's worth I didn't go to my friend's hen do because I genuinely couldn't afford it. Dh was going to her husband's stag do. A weekend away somewhere, I can't remember where, but it meant I couldn't afford to go to hers which was also a weekend away somewhere. She was absolutely fine about it. If your friend whinges if you don't attend her do then she's not a good friend.

If you can’t afford it and dread the prospect of going then just don’t go. BUT with all due respect I thought you were going to say your child was four months old, not four years. And you are leaving them with their father in their home. Of course you’ll miss them but it might do you the world of good. And them, and your DH.

It’ll be good practice for their first sleep over or starting school. Both you and your child need to now develop some independence. If it’s a good group of girls, and a nice hotel, honestly I would be jumping at the chance. I’m also someone who has never really left my children with anyone.

Also don't forget the expense of the hen do is just the start. Then there's the wedding - will you need a new outfit, how much will you spend on a present, will it involve time off/ a weekend away, an overnight stay in a hotel, childcare?
It all adds up to a huge amount of expenditure on one person's big day.