AIBU… invite to the wedding

[AmIReallyOCD]

My nephew has invited myself, my partner, my teenage son but NOT my partner’s teenage son to his wedding. I feel really irritated by it.. I’ve clarified the invite and it’s not a mistake but haven’t asked why my ‘stepson’ has been excluded. I need to reply in the next week!!

Why don't you speak to your sibling? Your partner's son isn't a child who will be emotionally damaged from this. There's no need for a bit rift. Numbers are limited and your partner's son didn't make the cut. If you and your partner split, he isn't going to keep contact with the groom, they barely have contact now.

You can’t ring up saying you are “taken aback” and is there a problem, but then decline in a “friendly, drama-free way”. The two things are incompatible. The call demanding an explanation creates the drama; especially when OP says she has already had one conversation about it with her nephew.

OP claims to be all about family, but she doesn’t seem that bothered about her nephew being family too. She’s presumably know him all his life - is it really so important that a teenager he barely knows goes to his wedding that his own aunt would NOT go if it doesn’t happen?

Myself thinks yourself might have misunderstood herself, because myself doesn't think herself actually said herself is an English Lecturer.

In myself's opinion, it is unlikely herself would make such a mistake if herself was an English Lecturer, because themselves rarely, if ever make such mistakes.

On the other hand, who is myself to make such assumption? After all, myself is not an English Lecturer and myself is indeed prone to make the occasional mistake, as pointed out by another poster on this thread whoself was kind enough to point out that myself is mistaken in thinking 'it' is a preposition. Herself's kindness will ensure that myself will not make that mistake again.

Based on this thread, Mumsnet also appears to be a place where people don’t care about marriage enough to do it themselves, but make it a massive deal when their not actual stepchild doesn’t get invited to watch someone else do it.

I said basically the same comment a few pages back, I'm from NI, its madness some of the wedding posts.

I'm from Southern Ireland but this doesn't prevent me from understanding that weddings and attitudes towards them, can be very different in other cultures 🤷‍♂️

You are blood family, your kid is blood family, your boyfriend is your plus 1. Sounds like the boyfriend is the one knarked about it not so much you.

If you are that bothered decline the invite.

Also - will a 17 year old lad be remotely bothered about going to his Dad’s girlfriend’s nephew’s wedding??

OP has studiously avoided answering this question. I suspect he gives not one solitary shit, and this is all about OP and her partner taking umbrage.

Yes, YABU.
Your nephew has kindly invited your partner, as your 'plus one'. That would not normally be extended to anyone else, because they were related to a guest's 'plus one'.

It is your expectations that are out of line, not your nephew's.

Demanding and having a quiet, pleasant conversation about something that hurt me but i dont want to fall out over is compatible but I appreciate not everyone has skills to speak about sensitive issues without sounding harsh.

also asking if there is an issue and saying how it made you feel and declining an invitation based on being in the middle is very much ok. and not to leave a sour taste i would follow with the best wishes and a gift from everyone.

You’re not married so he’s not your stepson

OP

does your partners son live with you full time?

a couple of hypotheticals please

if your DS had already moved out and was not part of your household, would he have received his own invitation as cousin to the groom?

when DS gets married, would he invite his cousin?

when your partners son gets married, would he invite your nephew?

You really can’t ask if “theres an issue”. That makes it sound like the nephew is automatically wrong for not inviting DSS (implying it’s due to a problem).
You can’t guilt a groom into inviting someone.

Weddings are a numbers game. I’m sure if the perception was that they were all his family he might have extended the invite. Maybe he just didn’t think.

I invited a family of five to mine and didn’t invite other halves. However it was an oversight as one had lived with a partner for years and of course I extended the invite when asked if it was possible.

If the Op feels the need, she needs to say how she feels re DSS being part of family. No pressure for an invite and see what nephew says. If he doesn’t offer theres no one will go but she’ll do a nice present. Or that neither son will go and it will be her and her other half.

I am not sure why everybody is being so horrible, OP.

I understand your point. Not everyone gets married these days - I completely understand what you mean by calling him your stepson - it describes the way you feel about him and the relationship.

I had four stepchildren who I loved as such, despite never being married to their dad. I love my sister-in-law as a sister-in-law even though she and my brother aren't married and never will be.

Etc.

Given how you feel about your stepson, I understand why it's hurtful. I would just message and say you aren't sure if it's an oversight, and would it be possible for stepson to be included?

(That's if he wants to go. Personally I can imagine much two 17 year old lads would hate more than a big form family wedding. But that is based on the 17 year old lads I know - yours might be different).

How does your biological son feel about going? Would he be happy to not attend, so that neither son goes? That might be a compromise, and your son might be relieved to get out of it!

I remember both people who messaged to ask if their child not being invited to our wedding was an ‘oversight’. No, of course it wasn’t. Both ended up bringing their DC. I smiled on the day and never talked to either of them again. I had no relationship with either child. People just seem to think that their children should be invited.

It’s never an oversight and you don’t ask. Bad enough with actual DC, never mind your boyfriend’s 17 year old.

God this site has become such a cesspit of negativity and horrible people. I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable OP. You all live together so i think it’s your nephew who is being VERY unreasonable

Why are we assuming it's the bride's father? Have we slipped back a few decades?.

Women are allowed to earn and spend money these days too, you know!

Whoever is paying, they don’t want the auntie’s boyfriend’s 17 year old who only appeared at age 11 and they hardly know.

Surely the boy doesn’t want to go to a strangers wedding either?

Yeah this.

You really can but thats just my view. And i still think not inviting the boy is a bit of a low blow, i would invite if i was him, and also it would annoy me not have him invited if i were op.

Haha I meant something along the lines of OP’s partner taking him out for a boy’s day to the football/the cinema/a concert. A little treat so he’s not sitting at home while the rest of the family are all having fun at the wedding he wasn’t invited to.

@AmIReallyOCD is your DSS not invited to any part of the wedding, not even the evening reception/party? If not, DN should allow him to attend the party and then that might be a decent compromise (plus that might be the only bit DSS is interested in attending anyway!)

Or that neither son will go and it will be her and her other half.

I’m baffled as to why people keep suggesting this. OP’s son is the groom’s cousin and has known him all his life. Not only that, he’s 17 - he could be an adult by the time of the wedding. In her world does a mother tell her 17 year-old son that he can’t go to a wedding if her partner’s son can’t?

But the OP had already asked for “clarification” and has had her answer. This patronising crap about some people “not having the skills to speak about sensitive issues” is ridiculous. She’s HAD her answer. She can either grow up and go or decline the course invitation.

I would just message and say you aren't sure if it's an oversight, and would it be possible for stepson to be included?

Don't do that.
Of course it isn't an oversight.

Weddings are incredibly expensive and a LOT of thought will have gone in to where the hosts have had to draw the line.

It would just make you look incredibly passive aggressive and rude.

If you feel you can't go anywhere without your partner's son, then reply to your invitation by declining, but you will make yourself look very rude if you try to embarrass the hosts into including the lad who probably has no wish to be there anyway