AIBU… invite to the wedding

[AmIReallyOCD]

My nephew has invited myself, my partner, my teenage son but NOT my partner’s teenage son to his wedding. I feel really irritated by it.. I’ve clarified the invite and it’s not a mistake but haven’t asked why my ‘stepson’ has been excluded. I need to reply in the next week!!

The nephew understandably doesn’t consider his aunts boyfriend of 6 years - who she doesn’t share a biological child with - to be his family.

Hw considers his parents sibling (OP) and his cousin that’s he probably known since he was a baby to be his family. That’s perfectly reasonable.

Say the wedding is £100 a head. Would I invite my Auntie’s, current boyfriend’s, teenage son? Nope, you have to draw the line somewhere. He isn’t family, he’s not your stepson. He’s your boyfriend’s son.

Also - will a 17 year old lad be remotely bothered about going to his Dad’s girlfriend’s nephew’s wedding??

Blimey! He’ll have to invite the postman’s sister at this rate.

Perhaps OP should ask herself: if and when her DP’s son gets married, will he be inviting her nephew and his wife to his own wedding, on the basis they’ve met before at her family gatherings and she and DP are a family unit? I think it’s vanishingly unlikely that her DP’s son would consider her nephew his family then, regardless of blood, so why should the nephew feel any differently?

That last suggestion will depend on if her son wants to go or not. At 17 no way is my mum rejecting an invite to my older cousins wedding on my behalf.

I agree he should be invited. He lives with you he’s part of your family. Even if I didn’t know him I couldn’t invite u all to my wedding and leave one person in your household out that’s so wrong and I would feel like you. I would ask him why and if it’s cost I would offer to pay for my step son.

What, because all 17yo boys are longing to lose their weekend for the wedding of someone they barely know? Accept or don't, don't whine, and let it go.

This is a perfect response!

To be fair to pp - I had to read your post twice as I thought you’d invited yourself and family to the wedding, so the grammar mattered as “invited myself” and “invited me” give very different connotations when talking about invitation etiquette.

But sounds like nephew has invited his aunty, his aunty’s partner and his cousin. He’s kindly given you a plus one (as if he’s getting married I assume your partner only came into his the peripheries of his life as an adult), just not a plus two.

I would invite my uncles wife’s son to my wedding, because we’ve known each other since we were 2. I would have to seriously consider whether invited my aunty’s boyfriends son given we’ve only met a handful of times and never had a one on one conversation and I doubt he’d want to come to my wedding as he barely knows me, so I’m less inclined to spend hundreds of pounds to entertain him for the day.

Your friend sounds like an ignorant twat if she viewed your relationship of many more years and a child you were bringing up together as less of a commitment or ‘real’ relationship than her own shorter one. The irony would be if she split up with her ‘legal’ other half and you and your OH remained together.

What fucking snobbishness.

I suspect you’re going to get a mixture of views here OP. I’d certainly feel a bit miffed as one member of your family hasn’t been invited. That being said I can see why other posters are saying otherwise.
what do DP and DSS say?

Do either of the 17 year olds want to go? I know my 17 yr old would be delighted not to, I would give both boys some money and let them do their own thing and the rest of you go.

Can you start a new thread on "the abuse and misuse of reflexive pronouns"? I'm sure it will be a winner on Mumsnet and I know I would enjoy it. (Yes I know I ended that sentence with a preposition).

Yea i think whilst you consider yourself family it is BU for you to expect DN to consider him family. He was 11 when you met and 14 when started living together meaning he is in no way the cousin of DN who presumably was an adult by then. They didnt grow up as cousins.

Different if you had raised the boy from a small age. You arent married and you havent adopted the boy.

Either leave him or both boys at home, or leave your partner at home amd attend with your son or decline the invite politely.

It’s up to them who they invite, they aren’t their relative so no obligation to invite them, maybe they have done it that way in the hope you won’t attend.

They have been together for 6 years and lived together as a family for 3 years. So hardly the 'current' boyfriend.

@WaitingfortheThingtoHappen Sounds like a fun way to spend a Sunday

Many couples invite based on their own sense of family and closeness, not household arrangements. It may feel unfair, but that doesn’t necessarily make it unreasonable. As yourself whether you’d expect your own son to be invited to the weddings of your partner’s nieces or nephews, particularly if there isn’t an independent relationship there.

@SomewhatAnnoyed that did actually happen. They lasted a few years before divorcing - Dh and I are still together (we got married shortly after). We were actually engaged at the time of her wedding but didn't tell anyone because it was her wedding day and it wasn't appropriate to take any attention away from the b&g.

In which case, nephew is being disrespectful to your family.

I would politely decline the invitation and think a lot less of him going forward.

I know. I read it. They’re not married. So it still stands, some man and his soon to be wife have to invite his Auntie, her current partner / boyfriend and his son who is no relation whatsoever.

If the bride’s father is footing the bill he has no doubt said to his daughter…Who is Ryan? ‘Ahh yes Ryan, that’s Chris’s Mothers’s sister’s partner’s son from a previous relationship’. I doubt the Dad said ‘Oh wonderful the more the merrier, stick him on the list for a glass of Buck’s Fizz, canapés, welcome Prosecco, 3 course meal, champagne for the toast, coffee and wedding cake and then a buffet at the evening do, I could do with spunking another hundred quid on some teenager 90 per cent of us have never bloody met!

Could not agree more. My inlaws make up a blended family, with half of them married and half not, and children from a previous relationship. The thought of one of the young ones being left out because of some nonsense like "not a blood relative" is quite honestly laughable. And so hurtful and insulting. Everyone gets invited to everything. Everyone is considered part of the family. No one gets excluded because of some spurious reason because that, quite frankly, would be shitty behaviour.

Whether they are married or not is irrelevant. He is still the same teenager with the same relationship to the OP.

Plus who still lives in a world where the brides father foots the bill and has a say in who is invited to the wedding?

Two people can be correct in the same situation; your nephew is within his rights (and budget) to invite those closest to him to his wedding. You feeling upset that he hasn’t considered your family unit in making that decision is also valid.

The issue here is the nephew’s handling of the situation; don’t just send an invite excluding one member of the household, call and speak to your aunt, explain and discuss this. OP, depending on how your DP and DSS feel, I would attend with either DP/DS only and arrange something fun for DSS to do on the day with the one that doesn’t attend.

Bearing in mind the previous poster thinks ‘it’ is a preposition I will be checking into Pedant’s Corner to join in the debate.

Meanwhile, back on track. I think a lot depends on how the B&G are defining their invitations. I understand the concept of Aunt and Cousin and +1 being Aunt’s partner. However, I would be inviting family units and as you have lived with your DP and DSS for 3 years I would consider them as part of your family unit and invite both of them.

Are you close enough to have a proper conversation with your nephew ? Check if either or both of the boys want to go. Offer to pay if that is the consideration. It’s tough but I hope you find a path.

I mostly agree with this but I think ‘arrange something fun for DSS to do on the day’ is more appropriate for a 7 year old than a 17 year old 😉