AIBU… invite to the wedding

[AmIReallyOCD]

My nephew has invited myself, my partner, my teenage son but NOT my partner’s teenage son to his wedding. I feel really irritated by it.. I’ve clarified the invite and it’s not a mistake but haven’t asked why my ‘stepson’ has been excluded. I need to reply in the next week!!

Doesn't sound like you want to listen to reason on this. YABU.

Your nephew is good to invite his cousin, your ds. Cousins often don't make the cut for weddings. Its hard because you might have a cousin you like but also many cousins who you have almost no contact with.

Some random, not even step cousin because you aren't married to DP definitely does not count towards a wedding invite.

This 100%.

You might consider DSS part of your family. However, he clearly isn’t part of DNs family.

I personally would have invited both the teenagers to my wedding as I do think it’s a bit “off” to leave one “child” (I know they’re 17) out.

The reality is they probably do not see your partners son as family and he hasn’t made the cut in the invites. I think it would have been better to just invite you and your partner or you and your son and tell you the reasons why, numbers etc.

It is also possible that you, your partner and your son are a courtesy invite and they feel they “have” to invite you

@WhoDecidedImAnAdultImNotQualified@SargeMarge@DameOfThrones

I don’t disagree but my observation is that weddings are usually either small or have tightly controlled guest lists due to cost OR they are large / anyone is welcome.

Plus 1s don’t usually get invites to the former so if this wedding is the latter it’s at best thoughtless and worst cruel to leave out 1 person in a blended family.

If money or space were an issue then only OP and her son should have been invited.

I don't think your nephew is obligated to invite your partner's son.

He's not his family

Think this nails it.
It's unlikely to be personal, just practical.

I also think you need to reframe how you are thinking about this. In an ideal world your nephew would invite each family 'unit' and no one would be upset, but he and his fiancee could well know lots of people who have step children and if they invited them all, it really could be very expensive and add loads of people to the venue. As has been said, when people choose to blend families, this is a personal choice for them and it doesn't automatically oblige everyone else to see the new unit as their own family. I very much doubt that your nephew meant to offend you.

Many people choose to keep invitations to family only.

I think you have to consider the consequences of declining - will you upset your sibling? Will it cause a rift with your nephew, who might he offended.

Without wishing to sound rude, if you and your dp broke up tomorrow, your nephew would never see your stepson again. His actual cousin will be his cousin forever - those ties do make a difference to people when it comes to choosing who is family and who isn't. It's also the case that you and dp aren't married and some people do view cohabitation as less of a commitment and therefore more 'transient' than married relationships. Particularly when they are choosing to get married themselves. I sort of felt this when I attended a friend's wedding years ago before Dp and I got married. Although she and her husband had been together for less time that me and my dp (and we had a child), there was an attitude of her relationship being more serious because it was legal. Now I'm not saying your nephew is thinking that at all, but there may be a simple 'married = family' thing going on, esp when it comes to the expensive and numbers restraints of a wedding.

Sorry there is no need for them to invite your boyfriends son. He isn't a young child who will feel excluded, nor is he a young child that will impact you being able to attend as you won't have a childminder.
I presume he lives with his mum half the time too and has another family unit.

The groom either invites both sons or just you and your partner.

I would never do this, you are classed as a family, whatever your living situation and should be treated as such.

So rude...

Maybe then it should just be Aunt and Cousin? Ditch the partner and his son as they are not related.

That's not my observation at all.

Plus ones are usually factored in, unless it's a micro wedding, but making sure to invite all of the children of all of the plus ones has never been a thing ime.

If people did that they would have more strangers at their wedding than guests they know.

I think this is poor form and it's important you handle it sensitively so your dss knows he's not the spare weight in the house.

You've already clarified it's not a mistake so there's no point going back to your nephew on this matter.

Your only reasonable options are -

don't go and tell him why (I don't like this, it's unfair)
Don't go and don't say why (ott in my book and I disagree he wouldn't care)
Go with just your dp (then your son misses out on his cousin's wedding)
Go with just your son (your best option imo)

Good luck, it's a tricky one as nobody is really being unreasonable here.

You’re being dramatic here, your nephew barely knows the person in question. Why does your nephew have to pay to have randoms at his wedding?

SPOT ON OP!!! and hats off to you for this exact statement!! 💓💓💓💓💓

I think it's mean to leave the stepson out.

Shes not bring dramatic. Shes clearly just described her family. Thats made up of two kids and two parents. If he wants to be so nasty to exclude his own sisters step child who lives in the home with them then hes the one who's being dramatic. Reasonable ppl don't do mean stuff like this.

Is your stepson bothered by not being invited?

I have to admit that for me, your partner is your plus one, your son is his cousin and the invites have to end somewhere as a pp put it.

I would even have been offended if your son hadn’t been invited tbh.

No I wouldn't expect the nearly adult son of a man I have been living with for 3 years to be invited to my nephew's wedding. You are being totally unreasonable. I expect your irritation is because the lack of invite shows that other people do not view him as your stepson, in the way that you do. But other people are right, he isn't your step son.

His aunt's "step" child he's met a handful of times since he (the step child) was 11. Not a child he grew up with, not his sister's step child he's known forever. Someone he's met a few times over the last 6 years.

Take away the step child idea (as to the nephew he's his aunt's boyfriends son, not a step child) and ask whether it's reasonable to invite someone you barely know to your wedding, probably at the cost of someone else coming, just so said person won't feel left out?

Think rationally and not emotionally

from what OP has described, the nephew has only met this person a handful of times in 3 years. They’ve otherwise lived their entire lives without each other. They haven’t grown up to together or spent their childhood years even knowing each other.

Of course, this person is not going to be a priority if numbers/funds are tight. Wedding guest lists are whatever the bride/groom wants - they’re not infinite or whatever step parents demand.

I can't imagine leaving out one person of an invitation, living in the same household TBH, unless they were a lodger! Particularly when there are two lads the same age.

A relative only invited my elderly DM (who lived with us) to his wedding, which was his prerogative, however, clearly there was no thought about someone to actually accompany her as she couldn't get there on her own. In the end she was too poorly so it was a moot point. But some people don't seem to really think about the impact on their guests. It was my first thought when I invited anyone to ours.

Do the boys want to go though? At that age mine would have preferred to bite off their arms than go to weddings. Would they prefer to stay home with a delivered pizza and playing on X-box? If so, just decline for your DS, and you and DH go and have a good time. Don’t make a to do if it’s just for the sake of it but the boys are not fussed on going.