AIBU… invite to the wedding

[AmIReallyOCD]

My nephew has invited myself, my partner, my teenage son but NOT my partner’s teenage son to his wedding. I feel really irritated by it.. I’ve clarified the invite and it’s not a mistake but haven’t asked why my ‘stepson’ has been excluded. I need to reply in the next week!!

I think he's been rude, but sometimes in life people are. If this lad has only lived with you since he was 14, and since you're not married, your nephew's decision is perhaps a little more defensible than in some other situations. I hope it's not a choice I would make though. I am not saying it should make a difference that you're not married btw, I'm just saying that to some people, sometimes, it does, perhaps particularly around weddings.

Channel the MN trope that it's an invitation not a summons. Either you and your son accept and your partner declines, or you all decline, politely and graciously with no barbed comments. If you don't go I would still send a gift.

Does your dps don even want to go? Does your ds want to go, at 17 many dc duck out of such occasions unless they actually socialise with that relative regularly

Your nephew has known both you and your son all his life. Your partner is obviously your Plus One but your nephew under no obligation to invite your partners son that he has only seen a few times.

I wouldn’t take it personal, most couples have a limited budget and have to invite the number of guests in accordance to their budget otherwise the costs quickly escalate

You all live together as a family unit and your stepson has been left out. That is atrocious. I'm fairly new to mumsnet & the more I read the more shocked I become at some of the behaviour of my fellow human beings.

I'm lost for knowing how you should react but hopefully those who agree will give you some suggestions, especially if they've had a similar experience.

On reflection I think I'd consider accepting the invitation and make an excuse for your son so he can support his stepbrother.

Do you expect your partners son would invite your nephew to his wedding?

It might just be one person but if they invited everyone's boyfriends/girlfriends children that could really add up.

You're the invitee, your partner is your +1. Your partner's son is no relation to your nephew and they are just distant acquaintances. They aren't friends, they don't communicate. Your nephew doesn't consider him family. Your son is a blood relation your nephew has known his whole life.

Given that most weddings have budget restrictions, it's unreasonable to expect invitations for distant acquaintances of the people getting married.

Against the grain but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP. There’s a lot of ‘no ring no bring’ and ‘blood is thicker than water’ on MN wedding threads and it’s just not how we did things. We put the guests enjoyment foremost in our planning and chose a venue that we could comfortably afford to do that in.

I’m sure you are very proud of your family unit of four OP.
Even though you have only been all together for three years and aren’t married, you all feel settled together as a natural family unit, like any other more conventional family and it’s a shock to realise others don’t quite see you that way when push comes to shove. That is, when £ are involved. It feels insulting to you.

That’s all it is. At over £100 pp for most catered weddings these days, it’s simply push coming to shove. You have just as little idea about the intricacies and restraints of their guest list and budget as the bride and groom have about the strength of your blended family bonds.

Try not to be affronted by the invitation. Don’t take offence. The couple are generous to issue invitations in good will at all, and I’m sure they haven’t planned to upset you and your family.
I hope you can find a way forward that's best for you all.

I don’t think most 17 year olds would be that devo at missing a wedding of someone they met a few times - nephew of their stepmum like really? But I’m sure OP’s son will also like a get out of it card too 🤣 … unless he thinks he can swing some free booze 😉

👏

I think he should have invited all of you or none of you. It’s unkind to leave out one of you when you are living as a family. However we were invited to a very close family wedding. Dh, ds3 and I were invited to the whole thing whilst ds1 and ds2 were only invited to the evening event. All three children are full siblings. Nothing surprises me now when it comes to weddings. None of us went to any of it and if I was you I’d do the same.

I find people's attitudes really strange regarding weddings. Your ss has lived with you full-time for 3 yrs, he would definitely be included if any of my family members got married. No doubt.
My husbands side, this happened with his cousin, her son was not invited to her second husbands nephews wedding. It caused such an uproar and they no longer speak. It's all so unnecessary, why feel the need to exclude anyone, why hurt family?

YANBU, given the context, to feel an invitation for your partners son would be the right thing to do.

But your nephew doesn’t think the same way. At age 17, I think I’d talk with my partner and try to not make a big deal of it to his son, roll our collective eyes and say “huh, guess it’s blood relations and partners only” and hope he doesn’t mind too much. TBH my teenage sons would do anything to get out of attending a wedding, though obv this is different as it comes with a bit of a slight too.

If you think he would be upset, then I’d suggest just you and your son go, and your partner and his son don’t. That would be easier to explain away as “they’re keeping the wedding numbers down, no biggie”.

Obv the best solution is for your nephew to realise he should invite your ‘stepson’ too, but you can’t make other people do what you want, and I don’t think it’s so horrendous that you all decide not to go. Perhaps there’s other back story too which would make this harder, but that’s what I’d do.

I think it's perfectly acceptable not to invite your boyfriend's son. He's not related to you and nephew probably didn't even consider it. You've only lived together 3yrs so not massively long-term relationship. I'm sure a 17 year old will be quite happy home alone.

You attend as a family or you decline as a family, then. I wouldn't make an issue and only explain if asked saying, We've lived together 6 years. Both boys are our sons. We are one family, so it would be cruel to exclude one and on that basis we respectfully decline, but wish you well.

@Threeboystwocatsandadog how old were the 3 children at the time?

Do the boys even want to go?

All the best on this. I think you might have to go to wedding without him.

Does your partner's son live with you 100% of the time?

Well I think its weird but we have blended family all over. Personally I couldn't invite 3 out 4 members from a household.
I'd personally say thanks for the invite but we're unable to come. I wouldn't say its because DSD wasn't invited unless someone made a big issue about it/kept asking.

Yeah, this. YABU.

I think it’s mean to leave him out when he lives in the same house full time as them.

He isn't your stepson.

You aren't married to his father, so he is the almost adult child of the man you've been sleeping with for the past couple of years.

YABU.

Noted . I’ll translate that from sarcastic to human and get back to you.

Where’s the wedding? Do you have to travel far to get to it?