AIBU… invite to the wedding

[AmIReallyOCD]

My nephew has invited myself, my partner, my teenage son but NOT my partner’s teenage son to his wedding. I feel really irritated by it.. I’ve clarified the invite and it’s not a mistake but haven’t asked why my ‘stepson’ has been excluded. I need to reply in the next week!!

Best wishes OP. I'd probably leave both the 17year olds at home. solves the problem. And I think the grammar police upthread were referring to the fact that it's "me" not myself. It appears to be very common in the UK ( I'm watching the Traitors - gosh thats good) and people often say "I'm voting for yourself Matt or whoever". Pretty much unheard of where I live but perfectly clear and possibly correct if you go back far enough. Mean to pull up the OP on it though.

I mean, it's sarcastic, but it's likely similar to what your nephew is thinking.

Then it is perfectly understandable. They barely know each other, despite having met at (only wedding and birthdays). "And although they have spoken" doesnt exactly imply any warmth. Is step-son even bothered?

This is why we never got married. The entitlement of some family members would have meant we were 60 people without any friends invited. Some cousins I’ve never met. I’ve certainly not met half of my aunt/uncles new other halves or their kids.

Each one of you invited that they rarely see is a close friend they can’t invite.

I think I’d ask both boys if they want to go. If they don’t you and your partner go and if they do both want to go or one wants to go then you decline

The expectation of people when it comes to weddings is ridiculous. Everyone knows weddings are expensive so why would he invite his aunts boyfriends son when he could use that place (and money) for someone who is actively in his life

Also the whole blended families = everyone must be invited thing is odd too. I am part of a blended family and have never for one minute expected to get invited to my dad’s partners family weddings even when my dad has been with her for years - because they are not my family

@Gorlamdia 14, 12 and 3.

Offer to pay for your partner’s son if it’s a financial issue. It’s not about etiquette, it’s about excluding one person in a family, which is a poor way to behave. I had exactly this situation at my wedding and I wouldn’t have dreamt of not inviting the “step son”.

The “right”? It’s his wedding - of course he has the right!

Its your nephews wedding and weddings are expensive. You can be upset but the bottom line is you don’t get to dictate someone’s guest list. Just go or don’t. No further drama required.

As I am curentyly looking at wedding venues with my DD I realise every extra guest can easily add up to a few hundred pounds which may explain why your partners son has not been invited.

The boys are both 17! I expect they only come back to the “family unit” to eat and get ready to go out again.

Weddings cost a fortune and really you want to spend the day with people that care about your marriage rather than turning up for a day out with free food and drink.

Agree!!
Where I am from if you have a wedding and invite someone you also invite their partner who you may never have met. If they invite you, your partner and your son you'd expect your partners son to be invited as you live together and he is part of your family. It's rude and I don't get all the "have they met" "do they get on".
I'm sure many here have been invited to a wedding as a partner or invited a partner of someone they don't even know. It's the done thing.

OP, weddings are an expensive minefield, and I can understand that from your DN’s POV, he is inviting his auntie and cousin (he’s known the cousin for 17 years), your DP (politeness as you are not married) but not your partner’s son whom he’s only known for 3 years and isn’t even family by marriage. People seem to have a massive sense of entitlement over wedding invitations - it’s not a given that anyone will be invited. Don’t make your DN’s (or more probably, his soon to be wife’s) life difficult over this. For whatever reason they have decided not to invite your DP’s son - does he even care, or are you getting het up on his behalf? Don’t make things difficult - either accept or decline the invitation, and leave it at that.

Maybe budgets and numbers are tight and he doesn’t want to spend £100 quid on a meal for a kid he barely knows, and isn’t related to? It’s fair enough.

He's your boyfriend's son who you have only lived with 3 years (probably every other weekend), it's not like you've raised him, he's nearly an adult not 5. I imagine your boyfriend's son has another parent and is an older teen so he isn't going to be going to every family event with your husband's family anyway, I highly doubt he'd want to go. Wedding's are too expensive to be inviting people you aren't fussed about and won't miss if they aren't there.

It's not always just about money though. The venues are able to accommodate certain numbers (H&S) and so by inviting someone he's only met a handful of times over the last few years, the nephew may have the then exclude someone he actually wants at the wedding.

Our ceremony venue could fit 80 people. I have a massive family, cousins with children and grandchildren who live with them: second/third/twice removed cousins coming out of my ears, several are part of blended families. Some of them I've met once, some of these family members I've never met. But to invite the entire household for every cousin, I'd have filled the venue capacity with people I barely knew.

It is absolutely acceptable to draw a line somewhere, and OPs nephew has drawn the line at his own relatives and even extended a plus one to a (not married) partner. It's his wedding and he's allowed to have the people he wants there.

I think it’s unfair to deprive her son of his actual cousins wedding and the chance to see his wider family. I think if anyone shouldn’t be going it’s the OP’s partner and son, she should go with her son to their family’s wedding. If they’d been together 10+ years or whatever and the SS lived with them in that time it’d be different and they could make a stand and refuse to go altogether

You say he’s family. He’s not. No relationship by blood or marriage. It’s your nephews wedding. He’s entitled to invite who he likes. If you don’t agree then don’t go.

They have to limit numbers of guests somehow so have some, perhaps arbitrary, rules - maybe they've decided it's blood relatives and their partners only? However they've made the decision, you just have to decide whether you want to go. You could go alone or with your son, partner or both. Or not go at all.

What a mean-spirited and deliberately provocative post.

I think that’s really mean not to invite your stepson. My daughter has a stepdaughter and been with her partner for about 4 years and she’s invited to everything (obviously) when our family have anything going on

Does your partners son even want to go? I remember being going to weddings of various relatives I hardly knew (my dad had a lot of cousins!) in my late teens/early 20's and felt obliged/pressured to go by my parents and wider family when really I'd have much rather hung out with my friends.

It’s upsetting but I also guess it depends on numbers and how much the wedding is costing him. It could be that he has a tight guest limit so he’s choosing people he is closer to.
I’ve had family and friends weddings lately in which our children or even my husband haven’t been invited to. I’ve just taken it as they’ve invited who they are closer to/ short on numbers.

Only thing you can do is either ask about your stepson or reply and decide what you want to do.

Just go with your son and leave your partner and his son at home if you would feel better the “stepson” isn’t at home alone.

For those suggesting the son doesn’t go, that’s absurd - it’s his cousin so you can’t just say to a 17 year old he’s not allowed to go because his mums partners son wasn’t invited! This isn’t his problem.

If he doesn’t want to go that’s another matter.

OP, I don’t think your nephew has done anything wrong.