To be really upset about how DH just spoke to me??

[Chimney1]

The backstory sounds a bit weird, but anyway!!

I got rid of our back doormat about 6 months ago. There isn’t really space for one by the door as it interferes with being able to push the stools out at our breakfast bar. The backdoor isn’t used much in winter anyway, and in summer, I’ll just deal with cleaning the area.

DH is upset about this as thinks we need the mat. Today, he was outside and came in the backdoor and stepped in something (fox poo we think) and walked it inside. DD noticed and I said “yuck” or something. I wasn’t saying that to him, just at the situation, if that makes sense.

DH went on a tirade about this is why we need a door mat. I explained that the doormat I got rid of would have been worse (jute material), as it would have been awful to clean. He was insistent that that’s what doormats are for and was really acting in a way I didn’t like. He said everyone on this planet would agree with him. I sort of laughed to try and keep it a jovial disagreement, to try to defuse things, and said that I didn’t agree. He then said “you’re such an idiot at times!!!!”

DH has never said something like this to me before. We have been married for 12 years. Although I didn’t really like how he was speaking to me last weekend either, just more forceful than usual with his point of view.

Im really upset. I don’t think I deserved that comment. Although DD had left the room, she may have still been in earshot. I said to DH “that’s a horrible way to speak to me. I don’t want to talk to you anymore.” He said something back, which I now can’t remember. AIBU?

I can’t imagine being in such a drippy marriage that this kind of interaction would warrant all things angst and a Mumsnet post.

You've made all this up. It's a crazy response.

It’s just a silly domestic squabble. We don’t call each other names, never have, so I get that was upsetting. But it’s not worth a protracted period of offence. Hope he apologises.

I sort of laughed to try and keep it a jovial disagreement, to try to defuse things, and said that I didn’t agree. He then said “you’re such an idiot at times!!!!”

That bit stood out for me. Ya both u. I'm with your OH and would want a doormat, can you not see that yabu in thinking your opinion is the only one that matters?? A sort of laugh in the middle of a disagreement does not keep it jovial. My ex used to do this and its dismissive and rude. No he absolutely shouldnt have called you an idiot, but it sounds like you were kinda being one. You both need to disagree better or reap what you sow

You both sound at fault here. You’re being very negative and solution-resistant He shouldn’t have called you an idiot but he’s right about the mat.

Get a Turtle mat. They are thin enough that it wont obstruct the stools - they can just sit on top. Also machine washable.

Yes I've got children and dogs, so I've washed poo stained stuff in the washing machine loads of times.

My solution works for me. Sorry it's a "no brainer" for you but the OP might find it helpful.

Did you ask him before throwing out the doormat? Sometimes my OH throws things out / changes things that he doesn't find useful but I do and I hate it. Now he (usually) knows to ask me first!

It's not name calling though is it?

Everyone can be such an idiot at times and he was pointing out that she was at this time, for laughing at him and getting rid of the mat.

He was also an idiot at this time for not checking his shoes before he came in.

You are right about the fox poo being much worse on a mat. It's easier to clean on a tiled/vinyl/wood floor.
He's been a prat

......this is a very MN post.

"Not sure I can see a legit way of making this the husband's fault from the outset, so I'll introduce some plot that makes that easier."

Is it actually about what he said, or how he said it - given that you said he'd been forceful the previous weekend? I certainly don't think you're being extremely unfair, depending on context and frequency

First post nails it. Get an outside doormat for scraping boots on.

Tell them to stop tipping the stools - bad for the stools apart from anything else!

Get a made to measure washable mat- not expensive and can be narrow. Not really the point I know…

I'm not sure how things would be much different if he'd quickly wiped his feet on a mat. That wouldn't remove fox poo and you'd have a smelly mat and smelly floors.

Another post actually trumped that one by bringing sex into it! 😁

A useful reply when someone says something mean is to respond with a question that starts 'Did you mean for that to...' hurt my feelings / make me feel small / sound aggressive?'.

It reflects back to them what they said and gives them an opportunity to say sorry or reword. If they double down and say 'yes' then simply say 'thank you for showing me what kind of person you are' and move on. Jefferson Fisher has a great podcast on this, and also how to observe but not absorb other people's bad moods/ unkind words.

Get a metal bootscraper. It can go on the grass by the back door.

It does sound like you didn’t want the mat and he did. You got rid of it. End of discussion.

Maybe this is one example of many he could give.

It's a non issue. He was probably pissed off he had fox poo on his shoes, you annoyed him, he snapped but it's not really a harsh insult. If this is the first time in 12 years that's a bloody good marriage. We've called each other all sorts over the 22 years, people say things in the moment its not a big deal. Just move on!

You're also having trouble with fox stools............so there's that

No shoes in the house rule.
Problem sorted.

All that, pretty much over nothing tbh! Your hubby needs a hobby.

Did tread fox poo further than where the mat would have been?

Would a mat really have "caught" it all?

I agree. When I wash stuff like this I just add some Dettol laundry sanitizer or supermarket equivalent

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