Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

Having seen your last update, I’m not sure I’d be paying for any of it or being involved at all really. Your DH can be as involved as he wants. I think she needs to take some responsibility for sorting her own care needs out as well at 62. Unless she has dementia or some learning disabilities (sorry haven’t read the whole thread).

I think what you and your DH are doing is absolutely fine and really good of you.

People that don’t work or have DCs can forget/be oblivious to how much time it actually involves.

I wouldn’t cause any waves, as it will only cost you more in time and stress.

It would be good if your DH visited her occasionally though. He is her son and she must get lonely with the absence of her daughter.

I think you are doing enough and are being pretty generous. As you live so close though DH could go round one evening a week just to give her some company. No need to accompany her everywhere unless her mobility is particularly bad.

And people who aren’t caring for relatives can be oblivious to how much time it takes not only physically but mentally. And it can be a pretty thankless task.

She’s racist. You’re minimising because recognising it will make life harder. We have had similar comments on and off. It’s annoying. I’m not a MN cut them out of your life person but I see it and I don’t forget it. You are doing exactly as you should. Helping but not pandering. Stand firmly and kindly in your space. Very admirable in my opinion.

How about popping to see her every other weekend? Maybe getting to know each other might help a little? Just a cup of tea at hers or if she is able take her out to a local coffee shop or deli? Your husband can do this if you need to take your dc to clubs?

Sorry @Noodles1234 as I don’t mean to pick on you, but I hate the use of the word “popping” it really minimises time and effort. As they live 30 mins away, any visit will take at least an hour without even going inside, so more realistically 2-3 hrs minimum. I am not saying the DH shouldn’t go more frequently but it’s not just a question of walking down the road. And with 3 DCs I would imagine both DPs need to be involved in any ferrying around.

NB I may be overly sensitive to the use of the words “popping in” as it’s frequently suggested I do this for elderly DPs for very minor matters. As I live an hour away, each visit takes a minimum of 4-5 hours which feels like the opposite to “popping”.

My experience with my late father was that he wanted someone physically there to do stuff for him. He use to invent jobs like needing me to go and get elastic bands, then would be cross when I bought them on Amazon for next day delivery. I lived 2 hours away and visited twice a week, sorted carers and cleaners but he still could not understand why I could not just bin my job and move in.
Is there a bit of this occurring here?

So rude, probably racist but clever enough to hide it, and be clear in her disappointment in Ops’s relationship tho. And obv never made any attempt to be welcoming to the OP

so @2catsandhappy

how do you think the MIL should be treated ?

and all you ‘oh so ableist’ posters - so MIL is disabled, does tha mean she’s allowed in o be rude and possibly racist.

MIL doesn't sound like a very nice person to be honest. I can imagine she's got very comfortable with her daughter doing everything for her and now expects OP to be offering exactly the same despite the fact she has work commitments and a family to raise. Seems pretty selfish of the MIL to feel entitled to the exact same level of help and availability from OP that her daughter can give her.

So, basically you're saying that SIL has nothing better to do and her time is valuable than yours?

I understand time is limited, but I bloody hate it when all the caring duties fall on one sibling. Shock horror, it's usually the daughter.

If MIL has a problem putting shopping away have it delivered when cleaner is there.

I hate it when MNers say this. DH has spent a lot of time caring for his DP. So no, it doesn’t always fall on the Daughter although DSIL is very good at handling things that can be done remotely.

The OP and her DH both have jobs and DC too. It’s simply not as simple as dropping everything and the best outcome for “D”Mil is to continue to do as much as she possibly can for herself for as long as possible.

She gets Carers' Allowance for looking after her mum. There is no indication that SIL was forced to do this.

Looking after her MIL definitely shouldn't fall on OP, particularly in light of her last update where she confirms that she is black and always had the impression that this was the main reason why her MIL wasn't happy about her son marrying her and the odd comment about OP's genes being more dominant in her newborn children.

Omg only 62.
I can think of lots of people who are 62 working full time still with a bad back, autoimmune conditions and anxiety ….ridiculous

@27pilates some people may have different symptoms just like other health conditions, disabilities etc. Carers allowance and PIP appears to be involved so I assume MIL may be further along the severe end of the spectrum of health conditions.

I'm 73 almost 74 and I cope very well on my own. I dont have that many medical appointments and I don't keep my house quite as clean as I should but it all gets done. At 62 even with ill health, unless she has dementia, she should be able to manage some of the things you have set up. Maybe because your SIL has the time she's done too much and made your MIL too dependent.

I hadn’t seen the OPs latest update. Fuck her OP. She’s lucky that she’s getting the support that you’ve put in place.

I do think you should have put the fact that her dd is officially her carer, and gets benefits for doing that as a job, rather than her doing it out of obligation 'because she is the daughter' in to the opening post.

Also, the fact the MiL is only 62, as that feels very, very different in terms of 'coping' at hospital appts etc, from the assumption I made at first, that the MiL would be well into her 80s.

I am similar in age to your MiL and so many of my peers are the carers, taking elderly parents to appointments, but we do tend to manage going to appointments for us, by ourselves.

@JustGiveMeReason
You do not have to read all the posts before you post but you should read all of OPs posts.

Yes in my experience, "popping in" is not popping in at all. My parents lived two minutes down the road from us and If I "popped in" there would invariably be something that needed doing or sorting out and I would be there for at least 2 hours, sometimes longer. It was relentless until they eventually ended up in care.

Having said that my parents were then in their eighties, not 62!

She is reaping what she sowed, then.

Your dominant genes don't do doormat.

I'm glad your DH has your back. Let him push back on this one, since it is his mum.

I didn't say it should, I said parent/sibling. OP is not a sibling and neither is it her parent.

I did commit the cardinal sin of not reading the all posts because the one I replied to (where OP mentions her not working or having DC and nothing at all about her getting carer's allowance) pissed me off.

age is immateral if someone has a listed carer as apprently the sil is , then they obviously need it
some 20 year olds need a carer, paying cleaner and shopping fair enough, but popping round every week to check on see if any other bits needed, company is not too much to do on a temporary basis whilst sil recovers from her op surely

I think that your MIL is very lucky, as some posters said she's 62 not old and should be able to organise some things herself plus you are paying for some of those things and have children to look after so l think it's unreasonable to expect more from you. You are doing your best.