Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

... which is lovely. I wonder if the MIL takes this approach, though.

She beeds to contact local authority there are more carers around than just one and then again theres pip too to hire someone privately

Why does 60yo need advocay and support/ i know 60yo raising young families,traveling around the world for work, are high up in managerial jobs etc- you make it sound like shes 101 not 60

She has a son. A son who, so far, has done nothing to support her or his sister.

He's not being expected to care for her all day. But for a few weeks he needs to step up for urgent things.

A council provided carer would come in four times a day, max, but only if MIL needs personal care and her meals prepared for her. Which it doesn't seem that she does. So there will be no cover for the support her daughter gives. No career will attend her hospital appointments with her.

All 62 year olds aren’t the same. She wouldn’t be getting PIP and her daughter wouldn’t be getting carers allowance if she didn’t have care needs. My bloke had a cancer diagnosis last year, he most definitely needed support and advocacy despite being a fully functioning 60 something. Like I said, some of you have obviously never been ill.

Christ. I was expecting 70 or more! I’m 61 this year with osteoarthritis and osteoporosis (& reduced immune system )and I’m perfectly capable. Still working, shopping , cleaning etc.
if one of my boys offered help, I would be so offended. 60’s is not old these days.

Not sure where you've got 'big, important job' from. OP has said nothing about what kind of work either she or her partner do, just that they both sometimes have to work at the weekends. That could be NHS, retail, restaurant or bar work, call centre, delivery driver, taxi driver, public transport worker, police, firefighter, coastguard, building work, actor/musician/technician working in the theatre, self-employed work which they juggle around childcare, or it could be a senior job that involves a bit of extra work over the weekends at busy times or in a crisis.

I grew up hundreds of miles from my grandparents and in adult life have lived hundreds of miles from my parents. We never saw family as often as once a month. We all coped.

62 is far too young to become dependent on others. I’m 65 and have a bad back, autoimmune conditions and anxiety. My back and anxiety are both better for doing my own shopping and carrying, and generally moving lots, I’d be horrified if I couldn’t use an app. She sounds like my own Mum who thought she was old when she was 60 but really just wanted everyone to run around after her.

Most people are still working at 62. MIL is being completely unreasonable.

OP doesn't need to be guilted. If people live longer, they need to be independent for longer too. I absolutely despise the infantilisation of older people.

@Sensiblesal Jesus lord could you be any more patronising?

I think OP is getting a hard time here. She doesn't have a particularly good relationship with her MIL and thats probbaly why she is coming across as cold.

Her husband though, ought to be ashamed of himself that he cant carve out a few hours on a temporary basis to go and visit his mother. Surely the kids activities arent on all day every day over the weekend unless they are scheduled to within an inch of their lives. He is not modelling kind or empathic to the children

You are doing your best if it's not good enough they will have to find alternatives.

Poor woman just wants to be looked after by people she knows and trusts

The entitlement of this is absolutely astonishing. I couldn't imagine being so entitled and demanding.

Why is SIL asking you to help? It's not your mum. It's up to your dh to split tasks with SIL. Sil is being v. unreasonable. I think your contribution was great.

Well if she hasn't been very nice to you, she can't expect you to be all lovey dovey and rushing round to look after her. Send DH to spend an hour or so with her or to take her out for a bit.

You reap what you sow.

Well this is the point, really. Your dcs are the priority and you have to work. You cannot physically help. You also need to make sure you are looking after yourself. I think what you and dh organised for your mil is quite generous. Your mil is being unreasonable too.

I mean she's not elderly I get she has some health issues but MIL needs to understand that you have kids and work commitments
Maybe your partner shouldn't be leaving it all to his sister but then there's only so much you can do. Is MIL getting her daughter to do a lot considering she doesn't have family or work commitments? Maybe SIL needs to have a word and get her mum to be a little less reliant on her if possible as now she's expecting you and hubby to do it all on top of working and having your own kids to look after

Are people being deliberately dim? The fact most people in their 60s are still working etc is completely irrelevant. This is someone who is in receipt of PIP, who has a carer. That could be someone of any age. It means they have care needs, some sort of disability. Whether op likes her or not is a different matter in terms of whether op should provide help (perhaps not) but why can’t people actually read the thread and realise this isn’t a stereotypical 60 something year old? It’s like saying anyone can run a marathon because they have two legs - regardless of whether those legs are actually working etc. So ableist.

All the people saying the MiL should be working & sorting herself out cos she is only 62. If she is getting PIP & daughter carers allowance she surely does actually need the help.

or is mumsnet saying anyone on PIP & under retirement age should be out working.

Seems more like she actually doesn't have the time that her SIL is able to give considering she has kids to look after and a job to go to.

She’s 62? I’m only 3 years younger and off skiing. I know everyone’s different but at her age to need that level of support because she has autoimmune problems is bizarre. My SIL has a host of autoimmune conditions and leads a normal independent life. Something isn’t right here…

I am guessing she lives on her own; so strangers inside the house would put me off. The impersonable touch of any old uber driver rocking up, maybe if medium / longer term maybe a local cab company where the same driver could attend? I am guessing the other sibling is a lot more present due to different commitments, and change can be hard to adjust to.

i am just trying to shed some light onto their perspective.

I will also add, I am in your predicament at the moment. It is just very difficult to do all the things and be at all the things. It comes to th point where you have to subcontract out the care to professionals or others as you cannot do it all.

please do not feel guilty, I try to just recognise what is going to be difficult and do the best you can, but also you have a family too and they will need to accept you can only do so much without causing stress to your family. It is just difficult and there are no winners. .

Really? They are married - so she is part of his family too, imagine if it was the other way round and he said screw you nothing to do with me

I didn’t realise until it was stated that SIL is officially carer, which means 35 hours of caring provided per week ( for a pittance from the government).

That makes a difference but OP and her DH were never going to be able to replicate that with DCs and working. A conversation should have been had before SILs operation on expectations and what was absolutely needed and an uptake of visits to MIL for the short term - weekly- until SIL back on her feet.

But things like outsourcing cleaning are imminently sensible and if she gets the right person MIL may actually get on with her - has happened with DPs cleaner after a not so good experience with another one.