Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

when you see how the average parent already struggles a lot to make the nativity or sports day, and various sport tournaments etc, in real life it really is not that easy at all.

I know on MN everyone has a cushy job, works 9 to 4, is home for tea and bath time and what-have-you, but in real life, parents struggle with after-school childcare big time, and even if supermarkets are opened until midnight, would not find it easy let alone possible to go to support their parent

Plus realistically, even if you can leave the kids to your other half in the evening, I am not sure what kind of support you actually offer if you can only come between 9 and 10pm

Alternatively she could have Hospital Transport which would get her to the right clinic?

Still no support or advocacy. Have some of you never been ill?

Im not sure how much leave you get, but between DH and I, as the majority of parents, we do not have enough to cover anywhere near the school holidays, let alone enough to take mother to healthcare appointments (which sounds like they are a regular feature of MIL's life, so unsure why she wouldnt know where to go). MIL needs to consider her children and suck it up for a brief period, like the adult she is.

@BubblesandTiara my DH works long hours but still manages to help me care for my elderly DM

OP isn't one of her MIL's 'loved ones' though. She has never been nice to OP and has been generally unkind and dismissive and made it clear from the start that she didn't think OP was a suitable wife for her son.

It is perfectly reasonable for OP to only provide the sort of 'hands-off' care such as taxis and online food shopping that MIL is complaining about. If OP's MIL wanted the sort of relationship where her DIL would be happy to provide hands-on care in MIL's home, she should have welcomed OP into her family and been a kind and supportive MIL. She did the opposite of that so she can't expect OP to put herself out to find a few hours a week to help her out in person.

Unfortunately, MIL didn't treat OP in the way she now wants to be treated herself. She is/was unkind and unwelcoming and said that OP wasn't good enough for her son to marry.

That is why OP isn't inclined to do all the thoughtful things that you have mentioned in your post. Her MIL doesn't really deserve them.

Yes. I also have a job, ND DC and several people I have to try and look after. Sometimes I simply can’t make an appointment and they do need to use the Hospital Transport. It’s not neglectful and quite necessary in some instances.

My own DM is in her nineties and if we can’t manage to get the time off work she will book herself a taxi both ways.

The MIL in this instance is only 62. I’m close to that age myself and definitely don’t need anyone to advocate for me and hoping that continues for a long time

I was just about to post the same thing. Autoimmune can mean anything from thyroid issues to lupus or Addisons (life threatening). I am 45 and have multiple autoimmune issues (Addisons, lupus, thyroid issues, pituitary issues etc etc) and I haven’t been able to work since I was 32. I’m on the highest rates of PIP life long / ongoing and under 5 specialists. It really isn’t a fun existence. I’m not saying this is going to be the case here but people are so dismissive of autoimmune issues.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Lots and lots of people manage to do this. And it’s only for a short time, it’s not like they’re expected to step up forever more, it’s temporary.

No she can’t. But it’s not unreasonable for her son to do it.

Shes just 62??? Wth, there are people these days raising children in that age and working full time,

bad back- get shopping delivered home why waste everyones times wandering around supermarket

amazon- for anything else

hospital apps- taxis,buses, trains or patients transport

Depends whether he thinks his mother has behaved badly/been unfair and that's putting it mildly to his Wife.

@Mapleleaf114 she has a carer and gets medical benefits, she is not your average 62yo

It shouldn’t depend on anything. She’s still his mother. She can’t be so bad if he visits her regularly.

You can use internet amazon and get groceries delivered,literally to your kitchen, how much easier can it get

SIXTY TWO ??? for fucks sake, you could have 30 more years of this. I’m 62 and work , run a home , support my young adults , look after my animals including a horse .. she needs to get a grip. YADNBU

Thats what carer and pip is for, when shes surting down with bad back she can still make online groceries order and delivery guy will happily take it all the way to her kitchen

@fairmaidofutopia do you have a carer, get PIP?

Thats the point,she has a carer and gets pip, she can use pip to hire extra help for whatever hours a week

ai diseases are sooo common these days and most people will still have to go to work and raise children and so on, bad back- another common condition, who wants to wander around supermarket with an aching back? Surely the more reason to make use of amazon and online grocery orders?

She hasn’t got a carer at the moment because her carer is having surgery. That’s the entire premise of the OP.

My mum is 90 and more independent than that. She does her own shopping, unless weather awful as she likes to get out but she does still drive locally. She can do online shopping. She has a cleaner and can call for a taxi as she doesn’t get on with apps but can use a laptop and iPad. I think given it is an hours round trip, you have work and DC paying for these things is kind but I kind of get why she is struggling if not used to it. I live 250 miles away from my mum but my brother or sister usually take her to hospital appointments. We have her come and stay here for a week once or twice a year and we visit her about three times. Company is often what elderly people crave although as I am 65 I would not count your MIL as elderly. Maybe going over on the weekend to take her shopping might be kind. Your DH should do that.

It's for the OP's husband to do, not the OP

Not saying she should drop everything but one visit a month & they live fairly close. Having to step up for a week & help a family member even if its just hubby popping in for an hr after work whilst his sister is away would be nice. Hell even have her stay as a guest for a week or two

the OP even said she was throwing money at it, instead of care/compassion & thats fine she can do that but that still her husbands mum & she doesn’t sound in a good way

I am much younger than the MiL & had some recent back issues, my god I would have killed for someone to come clean/pay for a cleaner but then I don’t have anxiety so it wouldn’t have bothered me a stranger coming in.

not about telling people what to do, I just feel there is so much hatred towards family members on this forum & treating them like less than family, I find it very strange. Seems people have no tolerance anymore

It's sad 😥