Helping MIL but not in the way that’s clearly expected

[Enablinglocationiseasier]

MIL in poor health

SIL her regular help with medical stuff appts , shopping, lifts and household. SIL having OP so told us we need to ‘step up’.

We’ve arranged online shops , Ubers for appts and a cleaner . MIL got upset as couldn’t work out the app so we showed her. Apparently we are unkind and should just drive her ourselves.
We are paying for everything.

She also hates having a stranger in the house so is complaining about the cleaner.

AIBU to think she needs to just accept the help it may not be how she wants it but it meets all the needs she has expressed having ?

Oh well that’s that then, if your sil has autoimmune issues and can lead a normal life so can everyone else.

🙄

Seriously thought you would say she lived 100 mile away and that your child was 6 weeks old! It must be a generational or cultural thing because I regularly drove 140miles to take my mum to hospital appointments. And recently did a 288 mile round trip to babysit my grandson so my son could take his wife to Les Mis for her birthday!
I must be slightly potty because I gave it not a second thought

I don't think in the grande scheme of things it's actually helpful to allow a 62 yo woman to become totally reliant on her children's care. There could be 40 more years of this! Teaching her to be a bit self sufficient and independent for as long as possible to actually a kindness IMO.

I think you could see her more than once a month, given the situation, to be honest.

I don't think you need to meet every need personally, that clearly isn't realistic, but I imagine she's very lonely. Once a month isn't much. I'm not sure I agree that young dc's activities should always take priority over her welfare.

Yes & no

mum actually wants human contact with her family not an impersonal app & strangers to clean & drive.

I'm sure that if OP's MIL had been kind and had welcomed OP to the family rather than saying that OP wasn't a suitable wife for her son, OP would feel much more inclined to help and support her MIL while her SIL recovers from her operation.

You can't treat someone like dirt when you have the upper hand and then expect them to bend over backwards when you need their help. OP and her DH are providing practical help with online shops, a cleaner and ordering her UBers for her appointments. The sort of hands-on help that she would prefer isn't available because of the way that she has treated OP.

The 'poor woman' should have been nicer to her DIL instead of saying that she wasn't the sort of wife that she would have wanted for her son. Her son could step up but it's perfectly reasonable for OP to be hands-off with her MIL and only provide practical help such as online shops, a cleaner and Ubers.

Her daughter is normally there every day from the sound of it. Even while recovering from her operation she will presumably be in touch with her Mum and visiting when she can, just not doing her normal caring work. If MIL needs daily carer visits then this is a wake up call that they need a backup plan for when sister is unavailable. Expecting her son and DIL to step in is unrealistic as they are both working full time and have young children.

No way! i was sympathetic towards her until you said she was 62!! I was thinking she was 80 or something. Does your sister in law enable her? 62 is plenty young enough to get her head around an uber app and new technology and get on with a cleaner. This break from your sil might do her some good in becoming a bit more independent.

62 isn’t elderly in my family at all! I can’t imagine any of us not being able to cope with organising shopping and cleaning. What on earth has happened to keep her so incapable? She’s not even retirement age.

How the fuc…..
So she doesn’t work or have DCs, so plenty of time on her hands and trying to dictate to someone working with kids.
And she is the daughter not you.
Some people are piss takers.

And her husband’s the son. The misogyny on this thread’s incredible. It’s always the daughters who are the carers and the sons don’t pull their weight. This one can’t even manage it for a few weeks while his sister’s out of action. And his wife’s enabling it.

Paying for everything is not the same as caring for someone. It sounds like your SIL is getting the heavy end of it. Do you actually visit? Do you like her?

honestly your DH sounds like my brother. Steps back and leaves everything to me as daughter. He needs to step up and start doing a bit more of the face to face stuff. It’s lovely you guys have offered to pay for these things but if MIL has MH issues strangers and apps are going to make her more anxious. Sounds like this needed some better planning. Is there the option of going round with her for a few visits of the cleaner so she can get familiar with them?

OP you’ve done a lot more than I would have done, surely a 62 year old can organise their own cleaner and taxis, if not I’m sure their house wouldn’t get that dirty for a few weeks. I might have helped with the shopping but only so far as showing them how to do an online order. What would she do if she didn’t have children cleaning up and running around after her, she’d have to mange herself.

No I know. I work with people 10 years older who all seem perfectly capable. Some are over 10 years older than the “D”MIL in question.

Cleaner & shopping delivered - very sensible and reasonable.

Hospital appointments- it is difficult for someone with mobility problems /anxiety to navigate hospital sites and remember what's said at the appointment. Depending on where & what it is I would encourage your DH to try and attend with her, prioritising anything that is medically more important (long awaited consultation or any procedure) or at a difficult to manage NHS site (a lot of hospitals are massive and therefore a long walk from car park to clinic). But the primary responsibility is with your husband, not you.

Yes, if daughter is getting a carers wage for MIL surely this means she qualifies for assitance. Wouldn't there be a benefit of some kind for a cleaner/taxi and whatever else MIL needs. I don't live in UK so not sure how it works.

I think your husband needs to step up to be honest and that’s also going to require your help. I think the shops should be delivered at a time your husband can be there, for example 7pm-8pm on a Tuesday. This may mean you have to do the evening stuff on your own, an activity or getting the children to bed. He should go there so he spends some time with her. If your sil is going to be incapacitated for say a month your mil needs to have someone visit at least once a week just so she sees someone. This is the bare minimum in my mind. Yes she’s not old at all but if she has issues with her health and anxiety you can’t just leave her all alone for a month and hope she just gets on with it. If you don’t get on then you don’t go but you should be encouraging your husband to go and facilitate that. It’s so unfair everything just falls on your sil just because she’s the girl.

Some autoimmune diseases like lupus can be very serious and can mean people are on oxygen, in wheelchairs and have a shortened life expectancy. OP hasn't stated how bad the illness is but has said she is poorly.

Be interesting to know if SIL has resentment over that too. Maybe she has felt obliged to give up a much loved job or career as she is the daughter. Seen it before.

Just re-posting something OP wrote earlier...
MIL mentioning OPs "dominant genes" ?
NOBODY else noticed this?

Yes I noticed it, and did wonder if this was an ethnicity thing on MIL's part

However OP hasn't said, and I didn't want to start assuming

If she has anxiety she will probably not be able to go to a medical appointment on her own in an Uber. She will likely cancel on the day due to anxiety.
Would you husband not manage to accompany his mum for support?

Sorry yes I am black and DH white so the comment to me felt very offensive but she dressed it up in a way that made me feel is overreacting if I took it as racism ? If that makes any sense at all? DH at the time said to her ‘ hang on a second that’s a bit rude’ and she said ‘oh no no of course not I just meant they are gorgeous’ but it felt fake . Her disappointment initially at our relationship was apparently due to us not working in the same field , not being educated to the same level basically a whole load of things that weren’t racist in the slightest but I felt judged and like she wouldn’t have had those concerns and that disappointment had I not been black .
Maybe that makes no sense I feel primed to see these things. Basically I tolerate her and so this is all quite difficult as I can’t say she’s racist as maybe she isn’t at all but the way things have been said it’s made me feel is she ? Or am I overreacting and paranoid.

I’ll be honest in that I don’t like her but I do want to help as it’s DH mum but helping and maintaining boundaries means paying for help not doing it myself or us going there more often as I feel really unsure of her.

Sorry if that’s a drip feed it’s just in some ways I cant say with certainty she’s ever been racist but I have this gut feeling she’s also not anti racism. It’s hard to get across.

Please don't apologise, @Enablinglocationiseasier; what to disclose is absolutely up to you, but FWIW I thought what you wrote made perfect sense

As so many of us have said it's not easy to help someone who's gone out of their way to be unpleasant, but you've done what you can, and while wanting to support DH is admirable I still think it's his place to take the lead on this