Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

you just don't have space.

Why don't your mum and brother come for a visit (and stay in a hotel?)

You just don't have the room.

It's not being mean, or selfish to say that.

And if your mum suggests he sleeps on the sofa, that's not fair on him, he deserves privacy.

She was cheeky to even ask. She's his mother. You're your kids mother. Focus on them and their needs.

You don’t sound heartless at all, @oBoltFire. You have an awful lot on your plate right now, and I honestly can’t see how you could cope with your brother visiting.

There is a saying that goes “You can’t pour from an empty jug” that is relevant here - you are giving everything you have to surviving at the moment, and trying to give even more to your brother, no matter how much you love him, would be trying to give him something when you are already running on empty.

Could you chat to him on Zoom/the phone, and see if you can help that way? I appreciate this is still you giving from what little you currently have available, but might be easier than a full on visit.

Just say no and be completely honest about why. It's a bit ridiculous of your mum to send him over to you when you clearly don't have room and clearly have your hands full with 3 kids of your own! Including a baby FFS - that's hard enough on its own to say no! Why will it help if he comes to you instead of being at home with his parents?
You know your limits and this could tip you over the edge by the sounds of it.
X

You're not heartless. Can your mum and brother come over for a bit in an air b&b or hotel and she takes over with your kids (if you're comfortable with that) while you take your brother out, spend time with him etc? Sounds so difficult for you, don't feel guilty x

You are responsible for your kids first and foremost.

I cannot imagine how your mother would even ask this of you, knowing your situation. You don't have time or space to parent your brother. He has a parent and if she's so desperate to remove him from his current environment she's going to have to find another way.

What about school too let alone you don't have space?

Surely this is more a reflection on your mothers anxiety about what's going on for your brother? Wouldn't it be more helpful to help him access some support to find out what's troubling him? Could you (and would you want to?) reach out to check in with him as an initial source of support? Jumping to sending him your way seems a bit of a kneejerk response, possibly to her not knowing how to handle the situation. Its absolutely ok imo to say no. He possibly wouldn't even want to come away from home!!! Could something more be going on between your mum & brother that she's not being completely transparent about eg have they not been getting on?

You aren't being mean, you don't have space. Also (without sounding unkind) it isn't your responsibility to parent your sibling. There are other ways your dm can support her dc that aren't asking you, another mother with far more on her hands, to take over.

I don't think it's fair to put this on you.

Your Mum is trying to defer parenting to you because she feels helpless, doesn't know how to approach him and maybe thinks he will open up to you. It is not your responsibility and him coming to you will not resolve the issues.

Offer to have a conversation with your DB to support him and see what is going on, but make it clear to your Mum that you cannot have him to come and stay with you, you have too much on your plate as it is right now.

She is his parent and needs to try and talk to him and support him to get help if he is struggling emotionally. Or find another family member nearby that he is close with to see if he will open up to them instead. His school may also have avenues to get him support through the pastoral care team, school nursing also can in some areas help with emotional and mental health issues.

I’d just say there’s no bed, no room for him to have any privacy. It’s chaotic with 3 kids and you wouldn’t have the time to give to him to support him properly.

Why does your mother think he would be helped by staying with you? Is there some specific problem at your mother’s house?

What strikes me about this is that your brother clearly needs support - but there is nothing to suggest you could possibly provide this! (Quite the opposite in fact, you have waaaay too much on to be giving the support he needs.)

Has your brother seen a GP? Has there been any attempt to get him mental health support at your mother’s end? Has she spoken to the school? Is this about friends maybe?

I agree that it sounds very worrying - but surely this means the poor lad needs proper (probably professional) targeted support where he lives? Not to be shipped away somewhere?

I think pushing for a solution closer to his home is the right route, the necessary route, & you should not feel bad about this.

zipadeeday
She was cheeky to even ask.

well she was desperate and thought another adult could help but I’d agree you’ll have to say no but could they both come and stay in a hotel?

You have to say no! As much as you would like where is this teen going to go both in your home and out of it. How are you expected to arrange schooling and health care for him, it's not like England's schools and NHS is any better than the one in NI.

Sorry but your mother's going to have to deal with it herself. You're not a miracle worker.

Are the school/his GP involved?
Are there other children at home or is it just your mum and brother?
Is his father on the scene? Could he stay with his dad- even just for a weekend?
Is there an aunt/other family member that lives locally that he could go to for a night or 2?
Has your mum ever been to your house?
Would they both come for a visit and stay in hotel/Airbnb?

Your feelings here are totally relevant to your situation. I would call my mother and tell her everything you have written in your post. I would also explain far from being beneficial it would actually be detrimental to his mental health given the lack of space, no privacy, chaotic days with 3 small children & not enough room to swing a cat. Tell her your barely coping.

The other suggestion is to arrange an urgent appointment with a GP with view to a referral for counselling. There is probably a long waiting list so if they can afford to go private that would be ideal. I would also send my brother a considerate gift with a card explaining your situation and in the future when you have the space he would be more than welcome to stay. Those are my particular thoughts OP & in the meantime you have absolutely no need to feel guilty.

I hope your brother receives the professional help he so obviously requires. You are not qualified to deal with the complexities of mental health, especially in young teenage boys.

We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is
As willing as you are OP, this would not be a comfortable environment for a teen with problems. Not helpful to him.

Your mum has a strange idea of what a 14 year old boy needs when he’s upset. She needs to talk to her teenager and find out what’s wrong, not send him off to a tiny flat full of small children.

You need to prioritize your children. There's not room.

If he's having mental health issues, you're not a professional and living in cramped quarters with your husband and kids will not help with his mental health at all. He won't even have a space of his own. The upheaval of moving is a huge life stressor in itself. Starting new schools, accessing mental health care in a different area, frankly, you have young children and no time for anything else on your plate. Having someone around who's struggling is not going to be good for your kids. This move would likely be negative for both him and your family.

You should say no, it's not possible and ask your mom to access mental health care for him where he lives. He is her responsibility, not yours.

She's being extremely unreasonable to ask this of you.

Is he homeschooled or would this be in the holidays? At 14, I don’t think he should be missing school for this.

It’s hard but you evidently don’t have the space at all. If your mum has been sensible, she won’t have told him she’s asked you so he won’t feel unwanted in any way.

While I sympathise with her worry, it’s not really logical. Not only is it term time so he should be at school, living with lots of youngsters in a crowded flat isn’t going to help his mental health. Most teens want space and preschoolers aren’t going to be able to respect that. Your brother could end up feeling worse.

I would be happy to see them for a short visit but whatever is troubling him will probably be there when they return. Your mum needs to look into medical or school issues first. Moving schools for instance is a better long term solution than living with you- especially if his mood is because of something “normal” like a broken heart.

You say he’s just been down for the past week. Coming to say with you seems a bit of a knee jerk reaction. Does he think staying with you would make him feel better or is it just your mum who thinks it will do him good?

Maybe there could be a compromise when your mum and him come over to visit for a few days?

Does anyone know what his making him upset?

It's not selfish or unreasonable to consider the practicalities of the request. Maybe some things to consider are:

1. Will a change of scene improve whatever the problem is for your brother? If it's worry or depression, is he more likely to open up to you? If so, is that likely to happen in the short time you're able to put him up?
2. If he is depressed, will moving to a tiny home and sleeping on the floor or a sofa for a week make him feel worse? (Maybe he would like being around a big family or maybe the noise would make him feel like there's no space for him, physically or mentally.)
3. If taking him out of his current environment may help, can either you or your mum (or your family, collectively) pay for your brother and 1 adult to go away someone for a week? Even if it's a cheap(er) local holiday?
4. Can you afford to go and visit him at your mum's place for a weekend?
5. If he can't come to you, you can't go to him and your mum doesn't know how to help him at home, she needs to find someone else to help. Is there a teacher or coach she/your brother can speak to? Is she able to make a GP appointment or access counselling for him? Will he say if there is a specific problem, like bullying or worrying over a particular incident or something in the future?
6. It's ok to consider your own needs, and that of your immediate family, as well as that of your brother and mother. Not agreeing to her proposal and not having an immediate solution doesn't mean you're a bad daughter or don't care. Maybe it would help her to just talk to you about options.

@oBoltFire is there any possibility of you having a weekend break with brother? If that were possible financially and childcare wise you might have more of a chance to actually speak to him than weeks of him staying with you amd your young family where he likely won't get a minute with you.