Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

I would say that your brother is not your responsibility if he lives with your mom, but I would be worried about him, too. Do you know what the problem is? Where have you guys met last time, at Christmas? I would call mom and brother and tell me honestly what is going on.

It sounds like this is new and she’s not even contacted his go yet? Yoir poor brother thinking he gets sad and that’s wrong and he gets shipped into (in a nice way) chaos. Of course you can’t have him, you have no room or capacity. And you can’t leave yoir family to have a weekend away with him etc as suggested

I feel like I need to clarify a few things because some of the replies are making me feel like Ive left something massive out or that Im deliberately avoiding him, which isnt the case at all. This has been about a week, maybe just over, of him being very low and withdrawn, not months, not years, and as far as I know nothing specific has happened like a bereavement or anything like that. I used the word grieving because that’s how my mum described his mood, like he’s lost something, but she also says she doesnt actually know what’s wrong because he wont really talk to her. His dad isnt really in the picture in any meaningful way and there arent other relatives nearby he’s close to. It is term time, yes, and no plans have been made around school or GP or anything which is part of why I feel so panicked about this whole suggestion.

I am worried sick about him, I cant stop thinking about him crying in his room, but I also know in my gut that flying him over here to a tiny flat full of noise, broken sleep and chaos is not suddenly going to fix whatever is going on in his head. Some people are saying I should just buy an air bed or that family just make it work, and that’s where I feel really torn and guilty, because of course I love him and want to protect him, but Im also barely functioning myself at the moment. I dont have the capacity to be what he might need right now, and I dont think rejecting the idea of him staying here is the same as rejecting him. I will speak to him directly, without my mum there, and I will keep pushing her to get proper support locally, GP, school, whatever avenues there are, because sending him away feels like a knee jerk response to her fear rather than something thought through. I hate that this makes me sound cold or selfish, and Im carrying a lot of shame even typing this, but I genuinely believe saying yes out of panic would be the wrong thing for him and for my kids too.

The only way this would work logistically is if you swapped children - you had your brother for a week and she had your three. I don't see that actually being very practical for anyone (especially including you and the baby!) though.

You don't sound cold or selfish at all. It's completely impractical for your brother to come and stay with you. You don't have any room for him and you have three small children including a baby.

Your mum is being very unreasonable to expect to send him to you when you already have so much on your plate. She needs to seek out sources of help for your brother by speaking to the GP and his school.

If you are finding it hard to say No because it doesn't work for you, how about saying No because it isn't going to help your brother AT ALL? Missing school, sleeping in the living room, no privacy or time to talk properly with you anyway, no access to his own GP or friendship group... This is a bad plan and IMO you should say No for those reasons. Instead direct your mum to ask the GP for a referral to CAMHS. I think the waiting list isn't as bad here in NI as it seems in Britain.

Could you fly over there for a weekend/couple of days to talk to him and take him out of the house? He’s more likely to open up one to one, and it would be more manageable than bringing him to you, if your flat is already full.

This is a totally no. If there are problems with this boy, small or big, he needs the support of his paying mother until he is 18. He needs to be close to his school, friends and even if the friends are the problem, sending him away is not the answer.

What is your mother foumg about it. She’s the parent. Is she useless?

I spoke to her again after posting and it’s actually made me feel worse if anything. She’s very fixed on the idea that she just wants him out of the house for a bit and thinks a change of scene will sort it. I did say about school and that it’s still term time and she basically brushed it off and said he hasnt been going properly for weeks anyway so it doesnt really matter, which really alarmed me if Im honest. Apparently he’s said he wants to come here, which has completely messed with my head because now it feels like Im the one shutting a door in his face, even though practically I know it doesnt change the reality of our situation.

A few people have suggested me going over there but that just isnt an option, we cant afford flights and childcare and I cant leave the kids anyway. I feel like Im being pushed into fixing something that is much bigger than me, with no tools and no space and no energy, and the more she insists the more panicked I feel. I keep saying he needs support where he is, GP, school, someone, anyone, and she keeps coming back to “he just needs a break”. I dont know how to hold the boundary without feeling like a monster, but I also cant pretend this would be ok or helpful just because everyone is scared.

I have to say, if my 14-year-old was going through some kind of mental health crisis, and it had just started, my goal would be supporting him and trying to get to the bottom of it. I would not want him out of my sight really. I would be looking after him, trying to reduce his stress levels, creating an environment where he could talk to me directly or indirectly about anything that was bothering him. The last thing I would do is put him on a plane to a different city away from me, especially if the onset was relatively recent. I don’t really understand your mum’s behaviour here.

This is quite bizarre. Sounds like your mum is washing her hands of a depressed or emotional teenager. My 12 yo nephew has been moody recently and burst into tears randomly a couple of times over the summer when staying with us. No one is worried sick, we're assuming he's hormonal and nervous about starting high school. We keep channels open for him to share whatever is on his mind and reassure him that 12, 13, 14 etc are tricky ages. Is there something much deeper in the background?

Your priority needs to be looking after your kids. Your mum’s priority should be looking after her son. Don’t let her do this to you x

Uh, has your mum got a new boyfriend, by any chance? Or a longer term one who's looking to move in?

I know it will be adding to your stress levels but can you call his school as she seems unwilling to do it and lodge your concerns? Explain that your mother is not willing to engage with them and the GP

It sounds like your mother wants him off her hands.
Sadly OP if you agree to hsve him, she may refuse to have him back.
Kindly meant but your mother is focused on what will work for her.

Your priority is your family, your children.
As the eldest you are conditioned to be responsible.

You are not.
I got caught like you are about to be.
Except my parents had plenty of money, but still felt it reasonable when my younger spoiled sister wanted a gap year on me.
She wanted to party, live recklessly on me, with me awake at night worrying about her out all night.
I was busy building my career in finance and did not need to parent a spoiled 19 year old.
My now husband was appalled by my parents selfishness.
I never forgave my parents.
She returned home to university after 12 months but I NEVER forgave my parents for using me and causing me duch stress when I was already so busy building my career.

Don't be used.
This is not on you.
Put your children first.

As the parent of a depressed and anxious teen I strongly feel that your instinct that spending time in a noisy, busy flat with no privacy and where his physical and emotional needs can’t be prioritised over those of the young ones, is completely right. You would love to help him but it doesn’t seem likely that you can.
Your mother’s determination to ship him off is interesting and probably relevant. He probably senses her despair at him. He perhaps would like to get away but that doesn’t make your flat the right venue. Your job is to let him know that you love him. I think the suggestion that you contact his school with a safeguarding concern about his mental health is a good one.

Your mother is being wildly unfair to you and honestly, borderline negligent to her son. She’s pushing hard to send him away when he’s vulnerable, int a situation which she knows (even if she won’t admit) is wildly unsuitable. And will negatively affect her other child and grandchildren. Honestly, from the information we have her behaviour in all this sounds appalling. She is trying to shirk her responsibilities - there’s no way on earth that she thinks sofa surfing in a two bedroom flat with five other people including tiny (loud) children is any way beneficial to her teenage son. She just wants you to ‘fix’ him for her because she doesn’t know how to.

It doesn't sound as if you've got space at all. Can you text him and find out if he can shed any light on this. Keep it simple: 'Hey Mate. Mum says you're really down at the moment. What's up?'

You could then do as someone above suggested and contact school for him, but you would be more in the know. You could offer him the chance to come and stay in the summer hols when you can all get out and about more, and give him something to look forward to. ( Have you got a garden? A cheap tent could create space in the good weather.)

Hope that helps. Sounds worrying for you.

Seems like you all are struggling in your own ways...all are valid reasons although your brother needs to open up about his....we sometimes think running away from our problems is the easiest rather than facing them....your mum is overwhelmed and can not deal with him...but she shouldn't put the burden on you, it's very unfair. He wants to escape but he will feel even worse at yours... especially when he doesn't get his quiet times or privacy....talk to him directly and explain to him...tell him you can't have him with you yet...but maybe another time for a bit in the holidays.

You are right. Hold your boundary in a loving way. Video chat with him, offer to play an online game with him, but say. Im really sorry I cant have you to stay, we just dont have the space.

This sounds sensible advice. I think I would also contact his GP just so they have a record of your concerns.

I have to say your mother’s behaviour does not seem good. It can be very stressful dealing with a child who is struggling, but sending him away is a really odd and unhelpful response. Plus the thing about school - is that even legal?

Do you think there are maybe issues about her ability to act as a parent more generally, even if just temporarily? Is this part of what is going on- does he feel neglected? Is he maybe neglected? Has her situation changed?

I suppose your update does make me wonder if social services need to be involved in terms of her ability to care for him - sorry OP.

Nothing you are saying is unreasonable.

You will feel better after,setting some boundaries
the more you cave in the more you will enable the unsatisfactory outcome
stick to your guns as PP s have said
and don’t enable anyone to draw you in it can be hard to stand back and allow others to’ suffer ‘ people need to learn through their own mistakes/experience this is an essential part of life and you should not be afraid to let others experience life for themselves!

You've got absolutely NOTHING to feel bad about OP. Your DM needs to step up and parent her son, not send him off to a different country, where he'll be even more out of his depth. I note another poster asked if your.Mum has a new man on the scene, is this a possibility? If so, you need to be firm with her and tell her it's not your job to parent your brother, you have 3 children of your own to care for, and presumably, as I don't think you've mentioned any other siblings, she's only got him at home to care for.

It sounds like she's possibly totally over reacting, at his age, it could be something as simple as him having fallen head over heels for a girl or lad, who has rejected him, and he doesn't know how to cope with big emotions. Or it could be that at 14 he's just pushing his luck with your Mum, and she's fed up with having to deal with him, so is hoping to fob him off to you for a while, and if that's the case, while I can understand it, it's totally out of order for her to treat you like her stand in, when she's had enough.

I think your best bet, is to video call your brother a.s.a.p. and see what's really going on. If he asks if he can come to you, you should simply say 'no, sorry brother, you need to be in school, and even if you didn't, there simply isn't anywhere for you to sleep at our place, it's barely big enough for us, and if you're feeling down the last thing you need, is 3 young kids shouting, screaming, and generally getting under your feet. So what are we going to do to make things better for you?' Try being brisk, and fairly business like if you think it's just normal teenage stuff, but assuming you know your brother pretty well, you should be able to work that out fairly quickly.

He needs help not a trio I’d not want such responsibility in my home
gp is the first step

school should be helping too