Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

Why is your mother expecting you to do her job for her? Does she have a pattern of doing this?

My mum spent 15 years putting my sister’s needs (and her kids needs) heavily on my shoulders plus her own needs for that matter. I became the fixer! Looking back I should have said no. I had my own ‘extremely busy demanding life’ that I was coping with on just 4 hours sleep a night. I say I should have said no, as my ‘also ‘ Irish mother now is leaving her house to my sister (as she never bothered to work and lives off the state) and me nothing, and my DM refuses to see how much time, energy and finances I used up to keep them all happy when they so desperately needed my help.

I feel for your brother, but your mum, like mine did, is emotionally torturing you to get what SHE needs and to hell with what you need. If like mine, it’ll never be appreciated and even forgotten by everyone but you. From a once very naive and easy manipulated lady, I suggest you nip this in the bud now - say it doesn’t work for you and it’s best that your DM takes him away on holiday for a few days to take his mind off things and to show she is there for him. Play her at her own game, tell her, her palming him off to someone else will make him feel so much worse and she wouldn’t want that would she?

Don’t do it. Don’t feel guilty about it. He’s your mum’s child to deal with, not yours.

agree. you just haven't got the space or headspace for this. She's very unreasonable to ask, you've got your hands full with 3 children

You don't have the space - and he will have lots to contend with schooling and so on. Are there no other siblings better placed to help?

If there's no space, there's no space, he's not going to sleep in the bath, tell your mum she's unreasonable, you have not got a bed!

If you had the space (non issue, you have not) then you would be BU. You'd just warn him you can't play tourists, but He's your brother, he'll have to tag along with whatever you are doing ,you order a take-away and the change of scenery would do him good.

But as there's no bed/ no sofa bed space, it's not even a question

This is what I was going to say. Not your fault there isn't space to put him up.

You can't do it. That's all there is to it.

Your mum is being ridiculous to even ask.

Do you have a partner? I imagine they wouldn't be too thrilled at squeezing a young teenager into your lives. And what about your brother's school? Does your mother intend taking him out of education for an unspecified period of time?

You don’t have the luxury of saying yes? Your flat sounds too small for the 5 people currently there, let alone adding in a teenager who can’t feasibly jump in bed with you or your children. Yes, he might get a free trip to London but in a noisy household sleeping on the sofa? Is that really going to help him much?

I’ve read everything and I’m trying to take it in but my brain is a bit fried so sorry if this is jumbled. I think what’s hitting me is that I already knew the answer really but needed other people to say it so I could stop feeling like such a monster. I dont actually think him coming here would help him once I step back from the guilt for a minute. There genuinely isnt space, there isnt privacy, there isnt calm. He’d be on a sofa or floor in a loud flat with three small kids and that just doesnt feel fair on him at all, never mind us. I think my mum is panicking and grasping at something that feels like action because she doesnt know what to do, and because Im the older sister its fallen on me by default.

I am going to ring her later and be honest that I cant have him to stay and explain it properly, not just a rushed no. I can offer to talk to him properly, check in with him, video call, message him, whatever he’ll tolerate, and push for her to speak to the GP and school rather than trying to ship him off. I feel awful that he’s been crying and I hate the thought of him feeling alone, but I also know I’m barely coping as it is and saying yes out of guilt would probably end badly for everyone. I still feel sick with worry about him, but I think saying no is the right thing even if it feels horrible. Sorry again this is long, my head is all over the place.

He has been miserable for a week. Why does she want to offload him to you after he is low for one week ? Is mum the cause of the misery is worth wondering. She may not be.
After one week of him being unhappy ( assuming he is ), she wants you to have him. How will that help him if she doesn’t know what the matter is?

If I were you I would go, if possible to do an uninvited visit to mum and your brother. To see what gives. And take it from there.
Or speak to your brother when she is not about.

No don’t do this. This just leads to OP becoming the fixer. The next problem and the one after that will be sent her way. Before you know, the young brother will be an adult landing on her doorstep, unemployed, to move in permanently.

This may sound extreme but my sister’s adult children are now my responsibility because I helped out TOO much with them growing up. My mum and sister fucked off to another country and left them here.

OP, honestly, think long-term, say your mum has to deal with this, you can’t help.

Sounds like a bonkers reaction from your Mum.

Putting aside the lack of space and your current busy life with small kids, it’s not an appropriate solution even if you lived in a mansion.

She’s his Mum, and presumably it’s term time? She needs to be helping him through this, talking to the school and health professionals if and when needed, generally being his parent and helping him through whatever it is with the minimum disruption to his normal life.

She can’t expect a quick break with his sister to sort things out.

She’s trying to abdicate responsibility and it just won’t work, never mind being unfair on you.

Rushing so short.
YANBU
Tell your mum ti find out if there’s a youth worker attached to the school and if you brother can arrange to talk to them?
Should treat him like a young un if she can, his weekend, maybe walks, drives in the car.

How much does he talk to her about anything?

Might he have had a gf & been dumped?

Posted something he shouldn't have on line?

Bullying at school/online?

I'm not sure what you could do about any of those things realistically.

They'd all still be there when he got back.

Op, suggest your mum gets your brother to the GP for a chat and see if there are any services he could access.

@oBoltFire you used the word ‘grieving’ in your post, has something significant happened in DB’s/your life?

You don’t have the space to have him stay though, whatever has happened

As a mum to 4 DC ..with a ten year gap between the eldest and youngest..
Your mum is being massively unfair to even ask
Your brother is not your responsibility
You clearly have your hands full ,you clearly don't have the space
I can't imagine what possessed her to put you in that position by asking

That's a crazy suggestion. Isn't he supposed to be at school anyway? You can't just ship kids out. He probably wouldn't want to go anyway, even if you weren't short of space.

Does she have any idea what's bothering him? So many options, all of which might need different support, quite possibly interaction with school to get their support too which is not something you can do anything about.

Your suggestion of having a proper chat with your mum and then hopefully with your brother if he's willing is a very good and supportive one. Even if you did have oodles of space, supporting them both to deal with things in their own space is a much better idea.

Where's he supposed to sleep, the fridge? The toilet? If there's one thing your house is not going to offer, it's calmness!

i would go to him. Maybe take one of the mids and leave the others with dad and go
for a weekend. If you see the situation and know he needs to be with you for a while take him back and buy an air bed.

That poor kid 🥹

Brining a stressed teenage boy into a crowded household with very young children is not going to help his mental health. You aren’t being selfish to decline. The plan isn’t in his best interests.

Totally disagree with the majority here!

What does staying with you for 'a bit' mean? If it means a week, then I think YABU. Family needs to be there for each other, and it sounds like your brother needs you. It would give your mother a brief respite at a difficult time and give you and your brother a chance to spend a bit of time together, however little. It would enable him to visit his niece and nephew, which is good for them too. You can buy a single air mattress for £15 ffs.

My sister is 12 years older than me and she wouldn't have hesitated for a moment to let me stay for a week when I was 14, if times were tough. It is part of why we remain extremely close to this day - I know she has my back. And I have hers.

I agree that anything longer than around a week would be too much to ask, given your space limits.

Op are you missing our a huge backstory? He's been down a bit this last week or so so she wcants to send him away from Ireland to London to be with you, away from his school and friends, when she presumably knows you have no room?