Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

OP, your DM is being ridiculous. Your DB is having problems, and her solution is in essence to ship him out to you - ie to abnegate all responsibility. You’re not being even a bit unreasonable - you have your own family responsibilities; your living accommodation is crowded already, and you would be being very unfair to your own family if you agreed to let him come. There isn’t space - and quite apart from any other consideration, does your DB not need to go to school? You don’t just run away when you have problems, which is what your DM is wanting your DB to do. Your DM needs to be a parent to your DB, and your primary responsibility is to be a parent to your own DC. Your DM needs to find out what the problem is with your DB, and address the problem, rather than trying to ship him out and making him someone else’s responsibility. OP, stick to your guns, and consider the well-being of your own family.

You absolutely did the right thing saying no, and you are not a monster at all for holding that boundary. It sounds like he potentially needs some support - are social services involved? How are school supporting him? Has he seen his GP? These are the things his mother should be sorting out and chasing for him, and if she doesn't feel able to look after him then she does need to seek help - passing the problem on to you won't solve anything.
I would offer only the support that you are absolutely 100% able to give - you don't need to have him come live with you to do that! And it doesn't sound like it would help him.
He wants to escape but that won't help him resolve what's going on for him.
Maybe he can stay with a friend, another relative, if he needs space. But if you have already said you're not in a position to be able to help, your mum is the monster for still trying to push him on you.
You've said no and told her you're already struggling and she's still pressuring you - shame on her.
Do not feel guilty.

He is your brother and in need and has specifically said he wants to see you while in crisis!!! How could you even think of saying no!

I can see it’s really difficult for you, but I think you should find a way.

Some of these posts are just not fair on the op, she has 3 children of her own!
If in a few years time @oBoltFire your youngest was like this, would you think it appropriate to pass the responsibility to their older sibling to sort out .........I doubt it! Its a parent's responsibility to parent not abdicate that responsibility!💐

I only read the OP's posts, and I want to say that you are allowed to say no, and you're allowed to feel like a monster. You have to prioritise your kids and your mental health. I've been in situations like that and finally accepted that I don't have to convince my mum. She's allowed to be angry with me and I'm allowed to be selfish. I make a decision and then I live with the consequences.

She is living with a newish partner and there are more kids in the house now, his and hers. She said earlier that she was thinking more like a few weeks rather than a short visit.

I messaged my brother this evening just keeping it light and he replied saying Mum has told him he’s being home schooled now and that he doesnt really go out much anymore. He said he just wants to get away for a bit and see me and the kids and that he misses me. That really hurt to read if I’m honest, especially as I havent seen him since before the baby was born in June, last time was around April in the Easter hols. Mum hasnt visited since getting with this partner which is pretty normal for her, it tends to happen when she’s with someone.

I’m trying to take this one step at a time and not make any promises or decisions off the back of panic or guilt, but it does feel like things are more unsettled there than I was initially told.

OP i really feel for you. The problem seems to be your mother (your brother is not happy maybe because she has moved the latest boyfriend in and his family) can you have that discussion with her ? Perhaps she needs to start putting her children first. This however is not your problem she needs boundaries and it’s shocking she is looking to her other child (you) to fix what is essentially her mess. I really feel for you & your brother but you have to bat it right back to her to fix

Please put your children first.

Your loser mother is a bloody disgrace.

Ffs, clearly your mum is pushing him out and cba woth him now she's focused on her new family and she's pushing him onto you.

Yes, very poor lad, but you can't make amends for her shortcomings.

The answer is no. Stop talking to her,.she's only talking to you cos she wants something.

Yes, I know I could dress this up a but it's late and it is patently clear and just thst harsh really. Super shit for you and DB but she's being a right twat putting it all on your shoulders instead of stepping up.

You’ll have to let them know that you’ll welcome visitors once you’re in a more stable routine with the kids and have a bigger place.
At 14 he needs privacy and a bit of space not the floor of your overcrowded flat.
Is there another relative near him who could check in on him? I wonder if he’s unsettled by this new partner business.

Could you offer to have him over for a week at half term, then you can have a proper conversation with him & try to find out what’s wrong.
He would also be able to see how you are short of space and him wanting to come over long term may not seem so appealing.

Your mother sounds very selfish, putting a new partner and other kids before her own child

and I would be telling her that. She is the one who needs to,put her son first, by all means see someone, just don’t have them living there with extra kids etc pushing her own son out

Coming to you won’t do him any good,

You say "we" so it sounds like there is someone else to look after the kids so cant you go to them and stay for a a few days and see what the problem is? Could be a chance for you to also get a rest from the norm. A change is as good as a rest as is said. He is your brother, so depsite what others say, he is your family andtherefore your responsibility but you also now have multiple children so you now have extended family - but it sounds like you have a partner who needs to step up and look after their extended family too who is your brother. If you do have a partner then they need to share the care all round.

Well this is something else entirely - your mother needs to depend on her new partner to supply support. Or it sounds like your brother needs to leae because your mother has made him feel very unwelcome. This is very very sad, especially for a child.

@oBoltFire You sound like such a lovely person and a good mother and sister. Now is not the time. I know you want to be there for him, but ultimately it will leave him in a worse situation. Isolated from friends/peers/school, in a different city, surrounded by the chaos of a young family, trapped in a small flat.

Your mum is looking at you as an easy/quick fix. Location never changes the problems we have inside, you can’t run away from them. She is being very unreasonable for putting you in this situation and for somewhat emotionally blackmailing you. I know you’re his big sister and you must feel so protective, but your mother really needs to be sorting this one out. You have your own little ones and it sounds like little consideration has been given to you by your mum regarding how much you’re dealing with yourself at the moment.

Please be kind to yourself, op. You can only do so much in the situation you’re in. Your duty of care is towards your small children right now and you don’t have the space or resources to help your brother. Your mum, however, can seek other means of helping him other than sending him away.

Your mother seems to be prioritising her relationship. Did she see his your brother felt before this living situation with partner and bus kids happened?

Is she homeschooling him?
I find it quite neglectful and him Coming to your house for a few weeks isn't the answer.

He's not been at school for weeks and what has she done about it? It's not just him being sad for a week is it then.

She's said it's like he's grieving. Probably grieving the change in living arrangements and living with people he probably doesn't want to live with.

Please stand firm and don't cave.

A break for him, is stress on you and your family. Keep firm with you're boundaries on this or your mental wellbeing will take a nose dive.

I'm really sorry that you have an utterly useless, selfish mother. She is putting her 'newish' partner and his DC and have own teenager and then trying to dump him on a mum of two small children living in a small flat a plane ride away! Disgraceful. The poor boy needs to be re-enrolled at school as your mother clearly has no intention of educating him whatsoever. Frankly, SS may need contacting.

This. Is your Mum afraid your brother is mixed up with a gang or suicidal? If so he needs counselling and professional support. She could bring him to stay close to you in an Air B n b for a week February half term. She could look after your DC whilst you took brother out and had a chat to him.

Couldn't agree more.

She wants to palm him off to OP, why has 3 kids,(one being an infant) under the guise of concern for him.

I find it selfish and neglecting in her parental role..because of new partner and his kids.

It's ridiculous of her.

He’s crying and upset because his mother has a new partner and new kids who matter more to her than he does. Talk to him seriously about staying put, going back to school and trying to get enough schooling to get out and be independent by 16 or 18.

At that point he can move closer to you and go to Uni or get a job and start being closer to you and your kids.

What makes you think that he's mixed up with a gang? It sounds as if his mother is neglectful and selfish and has just moved in a new man with all his children. The house is probably over crowded and loud and he is suddenly surrounded by people he doesn't know.

To make it worse, his mother has apparently withdrawn him from school and is 'homeschooling' him so he isn't mixing with his peers as usual and is just stuck in an over crowded house all day. Who wouldn't be depressed?
The mother's answer to her son being upset, probably as a direct result of her own actions, is to dump him on his v kind but v busy sister. I wonder if the mother has a long histort of dumping things on @oBoltFire when she can't be bothered. I expect she has.

You know your mom is not acting on your brother's best interests. She's trying to dump him onto a woman who has 3 young kids and lives in a small apartment. She's taken him out of school.

There is so much wrong with her idea to send him away. He would likely do worse with you because you're too busy, there's no room, and moving would be extremely stressful. Also, what if he needed medical attention? You're not a parent or guardian. You can't fix his home situation for him.

You might need to see if things are bad enough you need to contact social services there. Your mom sounds like a negligent parent.

@pikkumyy77 has the right idea. Speak to him about going back to school until he is old enough to get out on his own. Is there emancipation of minors where he is?

I would tell her if she cant handle the children she has stop breeding, she needs a wake up call children should not be disposable

I’m going against the grain here and saying I would take him. Tell her she needs to pay for plane ticket, new fold out or blow up mattress and send you money to cover extras.

a couple of weeks isn’t that long. I get it will be crowded but maybe having him there will help you just as much as him. Tell him how crazy things are and if he comes to stay you will need his help to keep on top of things like pack his bed away each morning, make sure his belongings are stored away, help entertain the kids and so on.

i know your children are your priority but spending time with their uncle could be good for them as well as him.

as a child we regularly had my mums younger siblings, not much older than us camp out in our house for weeks in the holidays usually. I have found memories of hanging out with them.

No one thought much about how cramped it was, both my parents were 1 of 10, mums growing up in a 1 bed flat over a shop before getting a 2 bed council flat after baby number 8 arrived. Dads side grew up in a 3 bed house, his 3 sisters in 1 room and him and 6 brothers in another, so having a couple of extras stay each school holidays in our 2 up 2 down wasn’t that big of a deal at the time.

Getting him away from the problem and opening up to you would be my biggest priority. My brother sent his dd to stay with us the day after I had a new baby, he needed to put distance between her and a toxic bf at the time. It worked.