Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

Where’s his dad?

Another point against her shipping him to you, you've not got guardianship or parental rights. How could you register him at school or access medical care for him without that?

I can't help but feel that if you are an unhappy teenager then it's going to feel even worse for your mum to pack you and your unhappiness off somewhere out of her way!

No. She needs to go to school and ask pastoral care to speak to him and come up with a support plan
He is her responsibility as a,parent.
You are not his parent

As a young men of that age who was going through depression, I would suggest they both come but sleep in an Air Bnb or hotel. It may do him some good before it goes further down hill.

For a boy to cry alone at that age, he def has something that needs serious addressing.

Good luck and when they come, do some activities, he cant just come as it is school term no?

You don't sound heartless. Perhaps mum has forgotten your tiny flat situation or her 3 grandchildren.

I really don’t understand your Mum’s thinking but I think it probably does point in a direction of at least part of his problem.

Why would your Mum not feel that she should be dealing with this? Why does she feel that her other child should take over? Is she generally like this? Stepping back when there is a problem? Pushing you forward to step in for her?

Sorry I have more questions than answers but I really do believe your brother needs his Mum right now and she needs to step up. Fair enough if that is not her strong suit she might need some support from you and other sources but she cannot just pass this off to you. He needs her.

I think your mother ought to spend more time finding out what's wrong with her son rather than sending him off... a lot of families don't have the option to just send a troubled teenager elsewhere anyway.

He's had a miserable week. He's a teen. Surely there's someone else more local (another family member?) who can speak to him?

You don’t have the room but could you go spend a few days with them instead. Mom could help with the kids and you can do some bits with your brother. He must be really upset if she’s thinking he may benefit from seeing you

I think you should talk to your brother and try to understand the situation better. The risk is that your rejection of him coming could feel like a last straw or yet another disappointment.
I recall asking to stay with close family at 15 when I was going through a really difficult time and just wanted to be gone. I was devastated when they said no - had a new baby.
It was another slap in the face and to this day I feel like I wasn't cared for or supported by those closest to me when it really mattered.

Don't feel bad saying you can't have him because, really, you can't. Meant in the kindest way, your mum should have realised and not asked.

He may not want to talk & she’s thinking a little change and a break might do him good. Dont have to demonise the mom. The fact she’s asked means she’s been paying attention

His school and his GP can both offer support. Coming to stay with you cuts him off from both those options.

It’s very simple - no room and he needs to go to school

No wonder he's depressed if her solution to him being unhappy is to stick him on a plane and fuck him off to his sister for her to be forced into acting indefinitely as an free unofficial foster mother.

Has she always been this shit of a parent?

It's not physically possible. There is literally nowhere for him to sleep. You're already overcrowded. And what about school? What will he do all day? Presumably you have childcare and or work to deal with?

Tell her "I care for my brother deeply but the only way it could work is if an adult stays with him in a hotel (he's too young to sleep in one alone) or you rent an air b&b for us all to stay in. The baby still sleeps with me so I can't change that arrangement.

I know these options are probably not ideal nor financially viable. But I simply can't see any other way.

If we had more space of course we'd welcome him with open arms."

This is a good idea.

Eldest daughter syndrome. Your mum is being unreasonable.

You can ask anonymously for his local Social work department to assess his needs
This would mean that you don’t have to get involved on a personal basis until his real needs are addressed they will have to take up the mantle on this
maybe you don’t have the full picture?
picture

This is what I was going to post too. I mean unless this is the mother of all drip feeds, how did she think it could help?

You don't have the space, it's not a situation you can control or should feel guilty about.

Can you go and see your brother for the weekend instead?

Agree with what’s been said about you brother. Separately, do you have a long term plan for your own living situation because three children in a two bedroom flat is massively overcrowded and it sounds like it’s already a totally unsuitable living situation for your family. You sound like you’re struggling to cope which is understandable given the situation - I think you need to focus what every you have on working that out before adding a teenager to the mix.

This is on his mother to sort out, not to put on his sister to some how work out.
So unfair on you with 3 small children in a tiny flat.
I would be more worried about you and your health.

OP I think you're being entirely sensible. There's no obvious reason why coming to stay with you would help at all. If there's some kind of actual problem cropped up in his life, then he's not going to be able to resolve it by coming to stay with you. If he's having problems with his mental health, then he needs to be seeing his local GP, not being uprooted to a new location. I think your suggestion of having a chat with him on the phone is the best plan. Your mum doesn't seem to have any idea what's wrong? I presume she has asked him. If he's only been withdrawn and upset for a week it could be something serious, but it could also be something relatively minor, such as a friendship fall out, that could blow over quickly. Either way sending him away to a flat with no space for him seems a bizarre plan.

there is a back story she's not told you - parents don't tend to send depressed kids overseas ... is he worried about his safety.