Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

How about you offer to pop over and spend some time with him ? The flight is so short it’s feasible to do a day or a weekend very easily although your partner would have to have the little ones

Selfish cow ! Her not you ! She doesn’t want to deal with him because it will be getting in the way of her life with this new man. Do you know his dad’s name ? Could you contact him on Facebook or something and see if he will help. You are not his parent you have your own children to look after. Otherwise I would probably seriously be thinking about making some kind of call to social services. Not in a get round there now he needs removing kind of way but that you feel he needs help and he’s not getting it. Why hasn’t she called the doctor?
Like a lot of other people have said she could bring him over for a weeks holiday for a change of scenery and you could meet up with them for days out.
You need to live your life she has clearly had a good crack at living hers ! Poor kid with not one decent parent.
I really do sympathise with you as being someone who also lives away from family and have tried to make a life for myself the guilt is overwhelming sometimes 😔🥰

Only if it's guaranteed that his mother would take him back - and with a new man and his kids, odds are that his offspring will be moving into the lad's room by the time he's airside, never mind when he's supposed to be going back.

Your mum sounds horribly selfish and uncaring and has put you in a horrific position, I’m sorry. Agree with PP the way forward is to call her out, call Ss (or Irish equivalent) involved and advocate for your brother as best you can. It’s not on you to take him in but your appalling mother needs to prioritise his needs above her own wants. I’m sorry, it’s rubbish for you!

Your mother sounds horribly selfish and deeply irresponsible. This is not your mess to sort out.

Sorry @oBoltFire but it gets worse with every post.
Your mother is extremely immature and completely wrapped up with herself and her latest boyfriend to care about your poor brother or probably you and any other children too. It sounds as if her uselessness has forced you to take on the role of mother which is completely wrong from all sides.
You need to be frank with her and not listen to her excuses. Your brother needs to get back into his school, have some routine and be with his peers. It honestly sounds as if you need to contact social services in the interest of your poor brother.

Maybe you could volunteer to take the kid in? Alongside some of the posters who criticise OP.

If you read the updates, the mother wants to get the 14yo out of the house to make space for her new man and his kids and her own son is in the way of the new relationship. It looks like she is abusive and neglectful at best, deregistered him from school to do 'homeschooling' which is not happening and making long term plans for OP to look after the brother underthe guise of 'he just needs a break'.

Flights cost money and there may not be any space for OP to stay, so it would also be accomodation for her to sort and pay for. Would you be covering thisfor her?

This is very selfish of your mum !
You simply cannot accommodate your brother , it’s unfair of her to expect that and you’ve got too much on your plate as it is !
Could they come over for a visit ?
Stay somewhere inexpensive near you ( Airbnb ? )
Can you chase up help and support for him near his home ?

Hi @oBoltFire you are right to hold
the boundary, as coming to stay with you wouldn’t be a set up that would help
your DB. You are right to put your mum
to go to the GP. Do they have an Early Help social services in Belfast? That sounds like the help they really need. If so, you can even make an anonymous referral to social care and they will look at the situation and step down to Early Help (that’s if it’s the same as England - you should be able to find out with a quick google).

It'll be so that nobody realises she's sent her son to another country to be somebody else's problem.

She's already decided he's not wanted and will never come back, but instead of placing him in care, she'll be able to keep any child benefit/UC/etc.

The only thing holding this abandonment back is the OP.

To report him as a child missing education https://www.eani.org.uk/contact/contact-us

To report his intended abandonment/neglect/risk from mother and mother's boyfriend (look for the appropriate health board area)

https://www.familysupportni.gov.uk/Support/14/worried-about-the-welfare-of-a-child

https://www.familysupportni.gov.uk/Service/3138/child-protection/gateway-team--belfast-trust

This

The mum is too busy with her boyfriend to bring the 14 yr old on a visit...she wants rid.(but probably wants to keep any child benefit etc)
Call ss tomorrow op. Set things in motion to get your brother long term support.

Social services and his school need filling in on your brothers neglect. They are the best placed to help him. You need to prioritise yourself your children and your family first and not having somewhere he can even sleep is not an option - you can’t take him on!!! It would make him even worse not having his own room and routine and then there’s school!!! Nope your mum needs to sort this out. This is HER child at the end of the day!!

Absolutely this, very convenient he is no longer in school, so can be "disappeared" while the mum collects the money and enjoys life playing a step mum to her partners children. I guess this is why the brother is depressed.

OP, if you are still reading, please please please inform SS as soon as you can!

I'm really sorry your Mum has put you in this position. It is very unfair. This is a bit of a pivotal time for you by the sounds of it, it's clear you are struggling with the necessary boundaries you need. This isn't all about your brother, it's about you also. And you are justified in your thinking. You have to look after your own bubble, and whilst you deeply care about your brother you can't put stress on your own family for his sake. No matter how much you love him you have to ultimately put yourself first, if you continue not to then what example are you setting to your own children? That others needs always come before their own? Whilst that always sounds lovely in theory in real life it's not great atall. You will burn out. Personally I think all you can do is offer help in other ways, like finding a therapist etc, or some phone calls with your brother weekly where he has you to himself for a period of time but without taking over your home life. This is one of those situations where whatever you do you will evoke strong opinions from others, so forget all that and do what YOU are most comfortable with

@oBoltFire what I would do, is check on booking.com and Airbnb for rooms very very close to your place, no more than a couple of streets away, and tell your mum if he is coming then she needs to pay for that for the duration of the visit as there simply isn’t space with you right now. One of you can stay overnight with him there so he’s not alone. I know she will kick up and say she can’t afford it, but I think if you make it your line in the sand she will either find the money or let it go.

I think you’re right there’s much more needed for him at home, but it sounds like he needs your love and support right now so I would make it as possible for him as possible to come over and for you all to have a nice time together and not be stressing and overcrowded. We did similar when my difficult mother wanted to land herself on us when we had our first baby in a tiny flat and it worked out okay.

And agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup ‘s post that your brother needs proper support in, but it would be ideal to do that while you are also giving him emotional support. This is a really crucial time for his development, god love the poor boy.

Be completely honest with your Mum saying that you feel you'd be no help at all as you don't have the space, have so much going on yourself & it could make him feel worse if he's at yours & you're stressed. Ring him or facetime him as often as you can & let him know that you're there for him & he can tell you anything. Ask your Mum to speak to him about going to his GP. It could be he's depressed or anxious about something. Try & get him to talk, if not to you then to someone he trusts. Could your Mum & him come for a visit & stay in a B&B or hotel? As long as he knows his big Sister is there for him you shouldn't feel any guilt at all.

Did you not read the posts, the mother is prioritising her bf above the well being of her son. She wants to dump her son on her daughter with 3 young children and no space. The mother is selfish and needs a reality check, her priority should be her child.

Echoing some other posters, she should contact school for support first.

Sounds like your mum's priorities are backwards and she's expecting you to fix things. She needs to move that bloke and his kids out and focus on her own child who is clearly struggling. Instead she wants to just pawn him off for someone else to deal with. Mother of the year 🙄

This is sad for BIL's DD.

Then he'll wonder why he had a poor relationship with her in years to come, while he claims to be father of the year.

Terrible.

Exactly.

She created that environment and now wants it to become the OPs problem.

She has not and is not prioritising her son's mental wellbeing or education.

Oh wow - Let's shame this awful woman. Don't offer any support even though she's obviously in a dreadful situation. She begs for help but you are suggesting OP should be reported for letting the lad miss school. Real family unity you will be causing.