Mum wants my 14yo brother to come stay and I feel awful saying I cant

[oBoltFire]

My mum rang me this morning and basically asked if my 14yo brother could come and stay with us for a bit because he’s been really out of character this past week, withdrawn, not himself at all and apparently yesterday she found him crying in his room which she says is very unlike him. They live in Belfast and we’re near London so its not like popping round the corner, it would be him getting on a plane and coming to us properly, and my heart is in bits thinking about him being that upset and feeling like he cant talk to anyone. At the same time I feel sick with guilt because I genuinely dont know how we could make it work. We’re in a tiny 2 bed flat with three small kids, baby still in with us, girls sharing, no spare room, no sofa bed, no space full stop, and life already feels so full on and loud and relentless. Mornings are chaos, nights are broken, I barely feel like Im keeping my head above water as it is and the idea of adding a grieving or struggling teenager into that mix feels overwhelming in a way that makes me feel like a terrible person for even thinking it. My mum sounded so tired and worried and I know she was hoping I’d say yes straight away because I’m the older sister and I live “over there” where things might feel different or calmer, but they aren’t. I keep thinking what if he really needs to get away, what if this is serious and I’m just saying no because it’s inconvenient, and then I feel selfish and cold and awful, but I also dont want to say yes and then not be able to cope or give him what he actually needs.

I dont know if I’m being unreasonable to say I cant do this, at least not right now, or if it’s sensible to admit my limits and push for another solution closer to home for him. I’m worried about him, genuinely, and I dont want to be the sister who shut the door when he was struggling, but I also know our setup and how fragile I feel at the moment. Am I being selfish here or is it ok to say this is too much and try to help in another way? Sorry this is long and probably sounds heartless, I’m just really torn.

Chat GPT reply but echoing sentiments reply to mum could be
"I’ve been thinking about our conversation all day and my heart feels so heavy about [brother’s name]. Hearing that he’s been so withdrawn and that you found him crying has really upset me, and I want you to know how worried I am about him and how much I love him.
I need to be honest with you though, even though it’s really hard to say. As much as part of me wants to say yes straight away and bring him here, I don’t think I can realistically offer him what he needs right now. Our flat is very small, the girls are sharing, the baby is still in with us, and life here is very loud and chaotic. I’m already feeling quite stretched and fragile myself, and I’m scared that bringing him into that environment wouldn’t actually be the calm, supportive space he deserves.
This isn’t me not wanting to help, or not caring enough — it’s because I do care, and I don’t want to say yes and then struggle to cope or let him down when he needs steadiness and space. I would hate for him to feel like a burden or to feel unsettled by being so far from home on top of everything else he’s dealing with.
I really think the best thing for him might be support closer to home — whether that’s someone he trusts spending more time with him, school or GP support, or another option nearby where he can still have familiarity and routine. I’m very happy to help think that through with you.
Please know I’m here for him in other ways — I can check in with him regularly, talk to him, and be someone he knows he can open up to. And if things change or there’s a different way I can help that feels manageable, we can talk about that too.
I know this isn’t the answer you were hoping for, and I’m so sorry because I know how tired and worried you are. I love you, and I love him, and I want us to make the decision that’s genuinely best for him, not just the one that feels easiest in the moment"

You’re not being unreasonable at all. Your mum definitely is though. It’s so shockingly unfair for her to ask this of you. I appreciate she must be struggling with the situation but passing the buck to you isn’t going to solve anything. It’ll only make a bigger mess.

I would lay out the facts in a message to your mum. Tell her all of the reasons why her suggestions will not work for you or your brother. He needs help and if your mum can’t provide him with that help, then she needs to seek proper support. Either from the GP or perhaps your brother’s school.

Can you have a private conversation with your brother and try to find out what’s troubling him? Maybe he would find it easier to talk to you or another trusted adult besides your mum. You can still offer support without him living under your roof.

I agree with you fully, as someone also in a small 2 bed flat with small children (and pregnant) there’s no way I could have anyone stay. It’s just too much. No space.

I agree with a few of the other comments about this is on the mum to sort. I also think maybe it’s an over reaction - a week of being a bit down? We all have down weeks - I think mental health it’s important but we have to be honest, sad and withdrawn for a week isn’t depression.

Your mum needs to speak to him and see what’s up, take him out on a nice day out to cheer him up and go from there.

Maybe it’s an option for you to give him a call and see how’s he’s doing? But I agree you can’t house him

You’re very much in the right here, hold tight and insist she gets him proper help.

This is an interesting thread, because I am now 6 years older than my affluent parents were when they shipped my spoiled sister over to me for her gap year in a gorgeous city in mainland Europe.
They really just didn't want to argue with her when she said she fancied "visiting" me.
She wanted a year on the piss, living in my apartment.
I had reared myself in their selfish marriage, always funding myself with part time jobs, and had been delighted to move abroad successfully.

Our relationship never recovered from this, and it reminds me of why I went LC afterwards.

OP, despite your love for your brother, he is NOT your responsibility.

Your 3 children are.
Make that demarcation NOW, or you will bitterly regret it.

she keeps coming back to “he just needs a break”

Well if its that simple, why doesn't your mum just take him on a holiday?

Kindly, does your mum have medical issues, MH, SEN? Do you think its HER not coping with a teen? Is it just the 2 of them at home or are there other children there?

Could your mum rent an AirBnB property near your house that you could stay in for a week woth your DH, kids and brother?

That way your brother can have a change of scenery and stay without it all feeling cramped.

If your mum wants this to happen she needs to pay.

I think having the mother and brother visit nearby is a terrible idea. The mother might leave the brother to try to force OP onto taking him on when she absolutely can't.

You are not the parent here! Your mum is being very selfish, trying to guilt you. She is probably feeling overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do about your brother. It's not your role to fix anything. You can support from afar, but you have enough on your plate. Your mum is delusional if she thinks "a change of scenery" will change whatever is Happening with Bro.

OP, even if you take away the specifics of your situation which is causing you to feel guilty -

For him to be sent away from his home because he's struggling with his feelings would be an awful message for him, and would likely irrecoverably damage the relationship with his mum.

I think the fact that you aren't in a position to help is clouding the matter, even if you did have the financial means and emotional headspace to support, how on earth would being sent abroad at 14, away from his his home, friends and school be right for him? If he's not been motivated to go to school he's certainly not going to find that motivation if the message from your mum is that it doesn't matter whether he goes or not.

You can support him emotionally without following your mum's ill thought out ideas.

“She wants” him to come over. Sounds like she just doesn’t want to deal with him. He hasn’t been going to school regularly, so sounds like something has been brewing for a while, not just this week like she said. Something’s obviously going on. Can you ring and speak to him?

She’s palming him off on you, and I’m guessing she knows your situation. Absolutely not. Do not feel bad, you are not the solution. Maybe call him, or try and make. A plan to see him or for him to come in future but your gonna have to be strong here

If he needs a break then she, as his mother, can take him away for a few days. Don’t feel guilty OP, I think she’s relying on you doing so.

He’s 14. He should be at school. He’s your parents’ (or at least your mum’s) responsibility. She should be finding out why he’s so disturbed and getting him medical or psychological help in Belfast. You have more than enough on your hands with such small children and such a cramped space. Coming over to England isn’t going to solve his problems . It could even make them worse and it’s very unfair to shift the responsibility for him in his present state onto you.

Your mum is trying to parentify you, OP (making you take on a parent role for your sibling). I suspect she may have already done this in the past, and you have got used to it, because your sense of obligation is so strong. Most people would not feel guilty about saying no to her in your circumstances, when you already have three small children of your own and no extra space in your house!

Parenting teenagers is hard, but it's your mum's job to parent her own teenager. 14 is very young still. Palming him off on you is not going to be good for you OR him.

As the saying goes, don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You aren't being selfish because you are responsible first and foremost to your own children. You're their mum and they need you, just like your brother needs his own mum. If you say yes to your mum and brother, you're effectively saying no to your own children.

You might consider seeing a therapist in the future, who will help you understand that setting boundaries and taking care of yourself really is OK! Good luck 💐

Is he being bullied at school? Is that why he hasn’t been going there? Could you call the school and ask what the problem is? I’m surprised the school haven’t been in contact with your DM to ask why he isn’t attending? Has you DM looked at his phone? Checked his WhatsApp and messages? Your DM should be doing all of this - these are things she should be doing not looking at sending him away. Sending him away won’t solve anything, his problems will still be at home when he gets back, IF he goes back….

That’s appalling. She sounds like she can’t be arsed. Of course he shouldn’t come out of school, travel hundreds of miles to stay in an overcrowded flat with a young dm who can’t possibly give him any time. She needs to get him some counselling and engage with him.

I didn't say the mother! She just had to pay!

The OP, her DH, her kids and her brother would stay. So same plan but enough space.

i know it’s been said but there is no way, him sleeping in your living room on the sofa is going to help any of you. You are putting your own family at risk if he becomes violent and lashes out at you or your family if he gets overwhelmed

Are there no crisis centres or equivalent in Belfast your mum can contact?

@oBoltFire if it could genuinely work for you how about your brother and older two do a one week holiday swap? They have a week at grabs or one of your siblings houses? Or if they’re at school perhaps in the half term. They may find this an exciting adventure.

she keeps coming back to “he just needs a break”

If your mother’s not bothered by your brother missing school and feels he just needs a break why isn’t she taking him away?

Sending him to stay with you in a tiny flat sounds like a terrible idea for everyone.

Sorry typo 👆 week at grans I meant

A few people have suggested me going over there but that just isnt an option, we cant afford flights and childcare and I cant leave the kids anyway.

I would assume your mum would pay for your flight (she would be paying for your brothers flight, per her suggestion), and if you went for a weekend surely your DH would have the kids?

If you don’t want to go for other reasons then of course that is completely fine, but if you did want to go I am sure the logistics could be sorted out.

You are both being extremely unreasonable as you are gridlocked in a „two-solution-only“ debate without having properly explored what the actual problem is or having talked with your brother directly.

t’s a total anxious panicky response. Without more information how can you possibly know what’s best action.

Don’t feel like you have to defend yourself or give a yes or no answer to this question because the question is wrong. It’s now about „should be stay or go“ but about „what is a short/long term solution to his depression/breakup/failing school“. Do ask your mother a lot of questions to move the conversation back a bit. A LOT.

Also, you haven’t even clarified to anyone on this thread wether it’s a weekend getaway or a move we’re talking about. Maybe you don’t know yet. So how can your mum expect an answer when she hasn’t even clarified what she means by getting away. Will he drop out of school and start working, get away for a fun weekend and forget an embarrassing social situation / being cheated on or is it to escape from an ongoing issue with his mum?

You’re allowed to find out more information before being pressured into answering. you’re allowed to residier the question and back the conversation- don’t get gridlocked.

You are not unreasonable to consider wether a visit is even helpful to your brother and to decline based on your own family’s needs. You sound easily manipulated by feelings of guilt (so am I btw) and connect this to your self worth. You are allowed to say no, based on your situation, EVEN if it turns out visiting would indeed be the best thing for your brother. You are allowed to disappoint your DM and DB. It’s

This! It’s your DM’s job to support and care for her son. No way should she be shipping him off to you.