DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Have you discussed this with your partner @maximusss

Glad you gave some time.
Red flags galore if his own mother doesn’t want him living with her and/or he doesn’t respect her rules or house! I see zero reason he would respect you either. Your partner had just said this will without discussion, so the same will happen with all future events regarding his son. You may find they have each others backs and it’s you vs them.

I’m sorry this has happened but it could be your get out of jail free card! I hope things turn out well for you 🤞

Of course they'd be welcome in your house. However, you cannot speak for the person with whom you share ownership. If you want that to be an option, you need to discuss it first.

He wasn’t living with his dad before usually stays with dad once a week, his mom chucked him out. This plan involved no agreement with the OP who is buying half the house. This is the problem he kept this from her couple days before exchange of contracts. Glad she has decided to delay, but a great big flag, imagine what other things he is going to keep from her debt? She has protect herself financially.

OP, how would you feel about pulling out of this house purchase and seeing what happens after your DP's son moves into his current home?

If your DP sets house rules and his son abides by them, and is also polite and considerate towards you when you visit or stay over, then maybe after several months of this arrangement, you could look for another house to buy together.

On the other hand, if your DP and his son end up living in a tip which smells of weed, and clearly hope that you will cook and clean for them when you stay over, then don't buy a house together.

But staying once a week would still involve a bedroom, still involve all the things the OP was worried about eg mess, girlfriend staying, weed smoking. Again why does mum always have to take the hit of adult DC living with them. More dads should step up.

Her DD occasionally stays at the house, but could potentially stay full time after uni.

You absolutely should postpone the exchange before you do counselling or mediation. Not due to the son issue per se but because he blindsided you and this is not someone you want to be totally tied up with financially

OP, pleased you have been able to put things on hold to get some thinking time. You’ve got a lot to think about and maybe discuss with your partner.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, I'm not you, but do make good use of the time. 🤗

Did he actually discuss anything with you?

Thanks for the update and so pleased that you have delayed the exchange.

Did you discuss a cohabitation agreement before his bombshell news of his son moving to live with you?

A cohabitation agreement can set out ground rules for how you will manage finances and household rules for the jointly owned property.

To be honest, his actions give the impression that even with an agreement he will ride roughshod over you and your wishes.

I would only buy with him after I had rented with him for 6-12 months as if you buy you could end up stuck waiting for the house to sell if you can't cope with your DP, his son or the son's girlfriend. If they refuse to sell up if could take 12 months plus and £££ to get an order for sale of the property and then another 12 months plus to get the house sold and to get the house sale to go through.

That could mean over 2 years of hell as I suspect your DP won't have your back when you have issues with his son and unlike the boy's mother you won't easily be able to sort out the problem.

Please think really carefully and think about a cohabitation agreement if you decide to go ahead despite the red flag.

I’m so glad you have more time to think.

What did your dp say about your reaction to it all?

Just remember that you can still put a stop to the house purchase, and if your dp is a good partner he’ll understand that you want to postpone things until your dc’s are more settled.

You have to ask yourself, if his ds was to move in with you, how long is it likely to be for? Because I’m guessing it won’t just be a few months.

Whew.

At least you've got a bit of breathing space to make a life altering decision that could screw up you life for years and leave you living with resentment.

Have you made a list of pros and cons about this move now that the conditions have changed and you've been told you'll be living with a weed smoking 19 year old and his gf indefinitely?

I hope you've been able to talk to your partner and lay your cards on the table here.

Have you had a chance to discuss the situation with DP?

Good that you have time to rethink before committing. Could be that the two of you have different assumptions and need to agree how decisions about your home are made. Is this the only situation that might be difficult?

That's good news. You now got time to discuss with your partner. It would still be a no from me due to behavioural problems of his son.

I would be so disappointed with my partner….
One minute you are excited about buying your new home together. The next he’s telling you, not asking you, that his son is moving in and will be having x bedroom. And you know his son is messy that’s why his mum is fed up with him. This would be an absolute dealbreaker for me. The occasional night yes but it permanent. And only after discussion. And absolutely no way would he be smoking anything in my house never mind weed. At this stage, you would only loose expenses and survey fees. Once you exchange you loose a lot of money. And once you have bought the house it’s half your partners. So be assured the son will be moved in. Personally, I would cancel the purchase and see it as a lucky escape. You can carry on as you are and he can have his son living with him. If he’s that messy his father might well realise that there is no way he could live with him full time!

Thanks for updating us @maximusss , I'm glad you've come back. Don't rush now, far easier to pull out of the sale than to try and seperate your finances later.

That's very fortunate timing, I hope you can take the opportunity and work out a way forward. It doesn't sound to me like this purchase is right for you.

Sounds like fate has intervened in your favour.

It's a stroke of luck that your buyers have an issue buying you a bit of time. Hopefully the bad weekend you have had isn't related to your partner and son.

Whatever way this goes think long and hard about whatever you do and the reasons your doing it. I would also need to consider your partners behaviour given he held this from you until the very last minute before he told you what was going to happen with no discussion.

So fate has given you some extra time to consider your future..
Use it wisely..

Perhaps mention to your husband that you would appreciate better communications in future.

As for the son moving in - I think it's great that your husband is wanting to support his son.

Trust me, coming from someone with divorced parents who both fucked off with their new partners when I was 17 - I was left homeless and out in the big wide world to fend for myself (and my 15 year old sister). It was a massive rejection that I still am coming to terms with 20 years later.

@maximusss I’m sorry you had a rubbish weekend, but it’s good that you spoke to the solicitor to allow some thinking time.

Yes, but it’s not op’s kid, but her partners.

They're not married. I highlight this because the timing of this revelation is important. OP and DP had never lived together before, there'd been no discussion of this happening and as soon as they buy a place together it conveniently comes up.

It's not DP wanting his 19 year old to live with him that's the problem, it's the way he's going about it.