DP’s son moving in

[maximusss]

I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Nothing from op since Friday morning? I hope she comes back and updates after the huge amount of replies and help she's received.

While I 100% agree with the thread, it’s also worth remembering that DP has been blind-sided by this as well. He’s way out of line not pausing the sale himself, though.

OP you’re feeling that you’re unable to call him out on this because you’re own DC will be coming and going when you move in together, but this should still have been discussed with you first.

Despite feeling that he’s been surprised by this, I’d still pause the sale TODAY and plan a mighty long chat with him. Having the son move in full time is totally a different setup to having your own DC use your home as a base while they live their own lives. How do they feel about this man moving in?

Also, it’s so disrespectful to dismiss the other Mum has constantly “moaning” and having a go - I’d bet that there are some hefty and significant reasons why she’s unhappy. You are going to inherit a lazy, messy teenager - think of you cleaning his piss-stains off your toilet seat for starters, never mind the sticky smell of weed.

A word of caution - I know someone closely with this same situation and the son still lives with them aged 28. Smoking weed was recreational but is now so firmly entrenched that their only motivation is doing their work shift and returning home to get stoned. Zero help in the house, doesn’t contribute to cooking and cleaning. She tried not making his food but he instead started ordering deliveroos which arrive at all hours - they’ve been “saving for a deposit” ever since they arrived but I’m highly sceptical. Oh and the joint smoking down the garden lasted a few weeks until it became “too cold/too wet” and “ I’ll smoke by my open window “ and now they just lay in bed gaming, getting stoned and drinking cans. Once a month, she has to go in and remove bags and bags of cans and filthy crockery and her home (which is beautiful) now stinks of weed and I no longer go there. It sticks to the walls worse than nicotine.

Her partner is hopelessly ineffective and my dear friend is stuck.

OP, pause the sale and have the talk. He should never have sprung this on you and should in fact have paused the sale himself. You are about to walk into a situation where you take on the other Mother’s problems and stress instead of upgrading your own life. No thanks.

If it was me, I’d 💯 pull out and live separately until his son gets his own place. Let Dad sort him out otherwise he’ll be YOUR problem. It’s the only way to protect yourself in my opinion.

OP doesn’t owe us anything. She needn’t update us - this is terrible for her, remember. She’s not here for our entertainment.

I think if I were in her shoes, having read all these responses covering things that may not have even crossed my mind like what a twat my DP is, I would feel like a bomb has gone off in my life. The furthest thing from my mind would be posting another comment.

Wow, just wow

If you co owned your house with your partner would you move your DS in without discussing it?

@Imdunfer I would be discussing it before moving in with a partner as I would if I had a 19yo who was working but had not yet got their own house. In both those circumstances the 19yo hasn’t moved out

He has never moved in, to be moved out. RTFT.

The least people who come on here asking advice can do is take a few seconds to say thanks. They don't need to entertain us or bring us up to date. When you ask for assistance, get that assistance, then never acknowledge it, it's just rude.

She can do what she wants of course, it's her perogative. We can comment on that without needing updates or a blow by blow account of what's happening in her life. Or getting a scolding by seemingly morally superior fellow posters.

@HappyFace2025 he stays once a week with his dad, and doesn’t have his own place. There was always the possibility he might have upped his time with dad, mum shouldn’t be default house.

Yes, oh so wicked not to want weed smoking, mess, disrespect and general lack of consideration in her own home with no say in whether this takes place or not. 🙄

It sounds like your DC are still living at home. If that's the case, would you/do you tolerate them behaving like this? If so, you're not exactly setting them up for a future as functional adults, however you might like to judge others for expecting that by 19 a person should have learned some basic adulting and consideration for others.

I would expect house rules to apply for 19yo but they would apply to my own DC as well (and indeed partner!).

It’s good that you recognise that some posters are morally superior.

😂

Hope you’re ok @maximusss

@maximusss Hope all went well today, whatever decesion you took.

I’m sorry for the radio silence, I’ve had a lot to think about and had a rubbish weekend.

I’ve asked that the solicitors hold off for exchange for the moment. My buyers have had an unexpected issue with their mortgage offer which is actually giving me a bit more time to work out what’s best to do.

I appreciate everyone that has been lovely x

I'm very glad that you have breathing space.

Thank you for updating.

What a great update. I am so pleased.

All the op and the father need to do it say there are house rules. Its really not difficult. If anyone tried telling me my children couldnt live with me, especially at 19 where they are often in rubbish jobs, I would get rid of them immediatelyas my children come first. Its not like the son is in his 30s and being a bum. Hes only 19. I bet op wouldnt bat an eye if her children wanted to come home after uni to save for a few years.

Do you all throw your kids out at 18 and thunk you've done your bit?

I'm glad you have time to think OP. I hope you can make the best decision for you all.

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I'm glad you had more time to think, but if in doubt, don't do it. The fact that your partner just said his son would be moving in without a discussion is a big red flag. Theres obviously been no discussion about the reasons his mum doesn't want him there or boundaries and rules in your house. Your partner is ignoring all that and giving you a fait accomplis. Does that modus operandi bode well for your future relationship? I think not!

You’ve missed the point. It was not discussed. It was a statement. My son is moving in. He’s having this bedroom. Can you see the difference

Well yes of course its a statement. My kids living with me wouldnt be up for discussion either. They would simply be welcome without question, especially at 19.