DP’s son moving in

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I suspect I’m being unreasonable here but I thought it would be helpful to get other people’s opinions.

My DP has a DS19, sees him usually once a week when he comes to stay.

We’re due to exchange on a house next week and last night DP dropped in to conversation over dinner that his DS will be moving in full time when we are in the new house.

Now I know this is his son, and I like him, but AIBU to think there should have been slightly more discussion on this? I worry about what else he will drop on me without notice or discussion further down the line. Maybe it’s me being dramatic, it’s just made me feel a little uneasy for some reason.

Noooo, I am joking. I don't have luck with boss guys...I got one humble decent intellectual and will be until death do us part. But if a new one appears, yes, he has got to be a boss and pay up :D

She's going to let the son move in.

Imagine a future in your fifties and onwards with a man who would pull this sort of trick, make you doubt your own reaction, and leave you feeling guilty for being shocked and upset and uneasy, and no doubt has trowelled on the guilt-trip when she later raised - if she raised - any concerns, even just for the manner of the decision being delivered to her as a done deal without any input from her.

Good. Hes his son and should be able to live with his dad if he wants to.

He should indeed be able to live with his dad if he wants to, but his dad should discuss this with the other members of the household and not just drop it in their laps as a fait accompli.

Without any prior discussion? Madness.
He's a 19 year old adult working full time, his mother has had enough of his behaviour, so he should find himself a flat share and not expect his father's partner to take him (and his g/friend and weed) in on his say-so.

Hope it works out for Op. Start as you mean to go on with son, set the ground rules from the off.

I think so too. She'll agree not to pull out if certain rules are followed by DPs son.
That went so well in his own mother's house.

And who will nag him to clear up in your house when he’s messy? Absolutely no way would I go ahead with exchanging! Your dp cannot simply dictate this to you. What is the bedroom situation?

I would not allow someone to move in if they use drugs. If they got caught with something illegal I would have inform my employer and could lose my job. You do not want your home address linked to illegal activity.

Hopefully shes had / still having discussions with him and they are sorting it out one way or another. Then maybe we will be updated of outcome.

Not a weed smoking, messy, lazy arsed, manchild !

No, not when the house OP is buying into is half hers. Not without prior agreement.
DO NOT DO IT OP, he is controlling and feels you wont pull the plug now. Keep your own property.

Without any discussion? Really? A lazy, weed smoking kid whose own mother is sick of him. Yeah, right.

Hes his son and if he wants him.to move into his own home, then he can. It would go without saying that my son is always welcome in my home. Why did op get involved with this man if she cant accept his son. Stay single or go with a man without children if you cant bare the kid living with you.

There is not a kid in this story here. Only people who expect women to cook, clean, keep their mouth but also, heeeyyyy, forget about it, pay up

Couldn't agree more!

He's not a kid. He's 19 years old and a working adult. The main issue is that the son stayed to his father that he was moving in with it being presented to the OP as a fait accomplie which you'd know if you RTFT.

So you wouldn't even discuss this with your partner? Heaven forbid 😩

There is only one kitchen, she owns half of that. There's only one downstairs loo, she owns half of that. There's only one lounge and if he's going to sit in it, she owns half of that. He's going to be walking in a hallway and landing that she owns half of. Unless there are two spare equal size bedrooms, or he has the smallest, she owns part of the bedroom he's going to sleep in. He's going to smoke weed in a garden she owns half of, and use a bathroom that she owns half of.

Have you got it yet? She will OWN a substantial part of the asset that he has invited his son to live in without consulting her.

I hope to gods she doesn't exchange tomorrow because it's no way to start a living together relationship.

Yes and the father also owns it too. If she cant accept his child, then she should end it. A 19 year old often doesnt have the finances and education to live a nice life alone. My kids will live with me for as long as they need while they save for a home of their own.

The man is being a normal father by looking out for his son. Some wicked stepmother on here thats for sure.

He can't live in only his Dad's half of the house, can he?

Which bit of "it's the lack of any consultation about using her asset that's the issue" do you not understand?

The utter disrespect is no way to set up home together.

Did you miss the bit where his own flesh and blood mother has had enough of his slovenly habits??? Nothing to do with wicked step mothers. He's an adult making choices about how he wants to live that many people would find unpleasant: more than reasonable for parents, step parents or landlords to say to a 19 yr old, no thanks, not here you don't.

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child (UNCRC) defines a child as everyone under 18 unless, "under the law applicable to the child, majority is attained earlier"

Where is the child in this scenario?

Of course it’s absolutely correct that the OP’s son should be made welcome as appropriate but this does not include 100% residence without consultation.

And let’s be clear, it sounds like the OP has accepted the ADULT son before this bombshell was sprung on her. What the OP’s partner should have done, of course, was first try and resolve things with his son and his ex, but then if this wasn’t possible discuss this reasonably and give the OP the clear option to maintain a separate home until things become more settled. Not present it as a fait accomplis. I can’t believe anyone would really argue with this.

RTFT or at least the OPs comments before accusing her of being a wicked step mother.

@ruethewhirl my DS is at university. If I was in a relationship with a new partner I would be putting DS ahead of this partner. I assume OP would put her DD before her partner