Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

What happens when your children outgrow you OP?

Yeah, that was my point. Most of us dress differently and behave differently in different situations and manage to move from one to the next without needing to overhaul our entire persona or social contacts. We're not about to have the same conversation at parent-teacher night that we would sitting up at 3am having a few drinks with a close friend.

But you’re not ok with it, hence wanting to go to this meet up!

As someone who also likes the odd designer item, and as I say Sainsburys Tu and not averse to George and also the charity shop, designer items are often indisguishible from something else, unless you already know the brand and shop in similar places or recognise it

I buy those items for me and in all sorts of places, down the pub, shopping, on holiday. No one is marking me out as 'designer' that day.

Its ludicrous

No you're right I think, I just remembered it.

No, that’s because I went to a bilingual school that taught in American English….

Technically English is not even my first language.

I have ASD and for a while, in the 80s/90s I developed an Australian accent. I dont know why but assumed was because of an obsession with Neighbours that took a while to wear off

Its quite fascinating, sorry to derail this mad thread but there are some theories that its about obsessions yes, obsessions with various tv characters or adopting mask/persona etc

There are other theories that the more long drawn out vowel sounds are more comfortable for people with sensory difficulties

And other theories that some children with ASD spend more time in virtual world where their socialisation or exposure to language is more through American presenters and characters.

OP are you Sindhu Vee looking for material for your next tour?

This sounds a bit like you're trying to write a new script for This Country or something similar. I picture Kerry, fifteen years in the future standing in the front garden.

It isn't good enough though unfortunately.

Everything is bigger and better when it comes to OP!

The thread will be withdrawn soon because she didn’t hear what she expected aka “feared it would be outing”.

You sound like dodecahedron with pretensions.

In actual fact you're just a normal person with different interests. Nobody parties 24/7; people are typically more conformist at work; nobody shows their "religious side" all the time unless they're a nun or a vicar; most people have hobbies which are different to their job; most women are additionally a mum or a daughter or an aunt. Doesn't mean they have multiple different "sides" or "personae".

I think you need to get over yourself a bit.

This woman would beg to differ

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_Faces_of_Eve

Omg there's some wankers around today. I totally get what you mean. I have some nice Friends who are school mum friends. I like them, I enjoy coffee and days out but when it comes to a night out they aren't the people I would want to do that with.

well chosen user name

This is all sounding quite borderline / npd, if I'm honest. I've known a few.

Yes, but would you miss a night out with others just because one of them was also going to be there? That’s very different from saying you wouldn’t deliberately organise a whole night out with that group of people.

And would you then send messages to the organiser saying you were having to pull out because you’d found out that woman was attending?

What an absolute dick you are dont go and let the other person make friends because she needs to drop you asap

Dear OP,

I read a few of your posts; I wonder if you're overthinking and worrying about what your friend thinks (and making awkward moves in this area) because you have a neuro divergent brain? (Like me)..... Though I appreciate that could just be a projection

You sound like dodecahedron with pretensions.

There is one in 'The Phantom Tollbooth'!
A Sparks Notes page on it is quite an interesting tangent
"Milo asks which fork he should take to get to Digitopolis, and the Dodecahedron responds with a series of increasingly ridiculous story problems. When Milo points out how silly they are, the Dodecahedron remarks, "as long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? Then he explains that none of the three roads is right and points out that it was foolish of Milo to assume that just because there were three choices one of them was right."

OP, it sounds as if you think you have 'settled' for your friend, don't want to change things, but would go full steam ahead to do that if there were better or more glamorous friends out there. Sometimes it's transparent when people are career climbing and do something of this kind, not uncommon but at work, not especially personal. Maybe finding it tricky to make lasting and more personal friendships just 'in town' is partly down to people being able to sniff this characteristic out.

More than likely!

I think there’s potentially a cultural element in the mix, as in my culture this would be like a “no no”.

I’ve made great friends at work, but the local social scene, I’ve never cracked it down.

I find your reasonings weird. What will happen now is your friend will expand her circle and you wouldn’t have. If your aim is to make friends then you’re going about it the wrong way. Most of my friends I’ve met through other friends. I have 3 friendship groups and occasionally they mix. I have 2 friends in 2 groups I socialise with who meet up with a separate group of girls I don’t know. But they don’t socialise together with me.

You’re in a group, so you’re not restricted to just this one person. How do you know she’s not secretly wanting a bit more of a fun crowd, surely if they seem as wild as you suggest and that wasn’t her cup of tea she wouldn’t be going

She has a pretty expansive circle (or more like different circles). I’ve met some of her friends, and yes the groups are very different from each other.