Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

After reading all your updates, I'm unclear if the main issue is:

• You think your friend doesn't "party" as hard as you think you do and therefore you don't want her there letting the side down.
• Your friend doesn't dress the same as you and for some reason you think you need to "match".
• You want to pretend to be someone else in front of your cool new friends and are worried your friend will "out" you as something other than a super-cool 24 hour party person.
• You are embarrassed to have more than one friend.

Whichever it is, you seriously need to grow up. Talking to your 15 yo about how you think you're like Charli XCX and do coke is massively cringey as is "hanging out" with your 18 yo son's friends. Although maybe not quite as cringey as doing the school run in PJs.

Do you mean because you’re American?

or you just “speak American English” for a different reason?

My 15yo started singing the song with the “bumping that”… it was funny and sweet.

There's nothing sweet about someone's Mum encouraging coke use to their 15 yo.

I expect if his ankle was a slice of ham, he couldn't make a sandwich.

Right.
The reality is that if you live in a small town, the only way to find your crowd is to go to lots of things. If you start limiting yourself like this, you are limiting your chances.

But if it was natural then wouldn’t it have stayed consistent?

Are you American? I can’t think of any reason to speak in American English or with an accent if you aren’t.

English isn’t my DP’s first language and he learnt a lot watching American programmes on tv growing up. When he moved to England 15 years ago he used a lot of American words to start with but l when he learnt the English he used that instead because there was no reason not to.

He has lived here long enough he doesn’t need to try to type in English it just comes naturally from how he speaks. If you aren’t originally from this country which one are you from and how long have you lived here for? If you have lived here a long time then I don’t see why you’d have to try to type in British, surely it comes naturally?

Everyone is just nitpicking at the OP now, 15 year olds like Charlie XCX it's hardly the same thing as shoving a note up your child's nose, and lots of Americans I know who have lived her for 20 years still use Americanisms.

How is singing a song encouraging her?

We do talk about drugs openly at home. The 18yo once told about how he was hesitant to go to a party because he thought there were going to be drugs.

I would never have dreamt of having that type of conversation with my parents.

If ever there is a time to put on a ‘different persona’ it’s with your kids if you’re into that sort of thing. Sure there’s probably many parents who take drugs etc, but involving your kids in it is when you’re crossing the line into bad parenting.

I hope no one who saw it turned up at your Dacia-driving Valentino-wearers group.

How will they reconcile the two yous?

This thread is excellent

Lots of people have different groups of friends that they do different things with but they don't have different personas. How would that even work? You have what the kids would describe as 'main character energy' where you see others as just being there to fulfil your needs or enhance your experience. This is quite a strange way to view the world and the people around you.

No response to this question. Interesting. 🤔
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This thread is bonkers!

It’s normal to behave differently in different situations - work vs school fete vs the pub vs a club vs granny’s 90th birthday vs your 6 year olds party

it’s not normal to consider you have a different persona in these different situations that you can’t show to people outside the situation

Ive read for years that some people with ASD, children, develop American accents.

Theres lots of theories why that is. Its an interesting thing.

It might be. But I'm not convinced that's what's going on here.

That’s one of her personas

WTF am I reading?!

'...half George at ASDA' 😂

Why the hell would anyone care if their friend had other friends (assuming they're not 5 years old)?

This thread is bonkers.

I think this is spot on. All the talk of personas and describing external markers like designer clothes as personality traits makes me wonder if your time might be better spent working out who you really are inside, rather than trying to reinvent yourself for different audiences.

That sense of not fitting it, or not being liked (with the mums at school, for instance) can be really hard, and I wonder if this has been painful?

Yes, I had two autistic undergraduates in my classes (different modules) a couple of years ago who both spoke in strong US accents, to the point where I once asked one where in the US he was from at the end of a supervision. He was from about two miles from campus, didn't have a US parent, and had in fact never been to the US. He said he was often asked that.

your way of organising your life sounds massively complicated. Why can you just not do you? I mean yes you are not going to roll into work off your tits but all this compartmentalising.......exhausting.

Laughing with your 15 yo about how you might do coke at a party is OK now? OP is the worst kind of cool Mom.

Ha! My everyday car is, in fact, a Dacia and I replaced the Maserati with a Skoda for long distance driving. Don't think I've worn Valentino for about ten years.

The thing is, while I have different clothes for different purposes and even different cars for different purposes, there is only one me. Sure, some of my more esoteric acquaintances might only see me in certain circumstances but closer, genuine friends see and embrace the entire me because, well, that's what happens naturally in authentic relationships based on shared values. They get the same in return from me.

I can't imagine giving headspace to trying to stop someone who sees me in Dolce & Gabbana or Armani once a year at an annual dinner we attend from discovering that I also own Matalan clothes with holes in, bought from the community centre for 40p, because they're far more suited to the 8km I walk every day on the school run. If someone really can't cope with the idea that I'm both of those people, we're ultimately unlikely to make terribly good friends.

On another of her threads, OP mentions that she is a dual national from a non-EU country.

Of all the batshittery on this thread, linguistic style is the least of my concerns!