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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Small town problems!

436 replies

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 07:22

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

OP posts:
ShowMeTheSea · 23/01/2026 13:29
Getting Old 30 Rock GIF

I've just had to Google Hollister catalogue 😁
What with my mental image earlier of "I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom", I've now got this one lol

Alltheyellowbirds · 23/01/2026 13:30

I’m just imagining what the organiser must have made of your messages. Why did you feel the need to create a drama by telling her all the reasons you didn’t want to go? She must have felt so awkward.

RampantIvy · 23/01/2026 13:30

DameOfThrones · 23/01/2026 13:22

Your autism was quite the drip feed. You would have had a different set of replies if you had stated that in your first post. I spent most of the thread thinking you were a little too self important and that you thought you were better than most people until I read that.

I'm not sure the replies would've been different?

You can have autism and still be too self important/think you're better than others.

It's not always an either/or thing.

Yes, you are right. Given what the OP says about herself I'm not surprised that she doesn't have many friends.

soupyspoon · 23/01/2026 13:31

Applecup · 23/01/2026 13:26

My husband for example is a walking Hollister catalogue

Jesus. How old is he? How embarrassing.

Well you say that but today Im dressed head to toe in Tu, my favourite fashion house.

I wont let the neighbours see me like this though.

I present as Hobbs when outside the house, just for the larks.

SnoopyPajamas · 23/01/2026 13:32

I'm not trying to be mean. And I'm not saying your life has to narrow to just your kids, because you're a mum. Or that you're over the hill in your forties. But you're chasing youth in a way that is just sad. Even the younger people you're out with are probably thinking that in the back of their heads. Them especially, to be honest, because when you're young you can be just brutal in your perception of what is "old". Would it bother you to find yourself in a group who smile to your face and think you're a bit tragic behind your back?

To give you an example: "flexing" does not mean behaving differently around different groups of people. It means subtly showing off. You not knowing this is the kind of thing that is going to make young people laugh at you, or feel like they're on a night out with their mum.

Mind you, if you're joking with your 15 year old daughter about how you want to be a 365 gakked-out party girl like Charli XCX . . . it sounds like you're already there and you just don't know it. I would have died of cringe if my mum said that to me at fifteen! What next, are you going to start tagging along on her nights out? Getting the ket in for her?

I know you want us to think you're the cool girl trapped among squares, but honestly, you come off as desperate to recapture the glory days. It's weird.

TinyCottageGirl · 23/01/2026 13:34

TinyCottageGirl · 23/01/2026 13:21

This is one of the weirdest posts I've seen - why would you message the organiser saying you're not coming as someone else is coming...I'm sure the organiser doesn't want to be involved or even remotely care. Just go and make new friends :)

Since reading all posts, I take back 'weirdest' - didn't realise you were on the spectrum but this makes sense (seems like you mirror peple hence why you like to have separate groups ect.)
Just go and enjoy yourself.

PatsFishTank · 23/01/2026 13:35

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 12:16

Yeah, we live next door to his 6th form, so they come quite often.

Sometimes they come and talk about their uni applications, sometimes about their classes.

we all share a love for buzzballs so we share them if there’s some in the fridge.

i know everybody would think that I pretend to be like that Mean Girls mum. Maybe I am, but I do enjoy hanging out with them.

This thread is fascinating...

What you describe isn't "hanging out" it's being welcoming to guests in your home. It's the same principle as offering someone a cup of tea and asking them how their holiday was.

RampantIvy · 23/01/2026 13:38

soupyspoon · 23/01/2026 13:31

Well you say that but today Im dressed head to toe in Tu, my favourite fashion house.

I wont let the neighbours see me like this though.

I present as Hobbs when outside the house, just for the larks.

TK Maxx, Uniqlo and Halara here today.

SnoopyPajamas · 23/01/2026 13:43

wishingonastar101 · 23/01/2026 13:22

Just googled 'Hollister Catalogue" so the husband is a chav?

I read it as the husband being trapped twenty years in the past, like her. It's a specific early 2000s look, which is now so old it's starting to come back into fashion again. But it sounds like the husband never evolved from it in the first place. I imagine there's been a hair transplant and copious amounts of dye involved 😂

Interesting that they both seem stuck in the past like this.

whackwhackoops · 23/01/2026 13:44

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 09:56

Oh no! My husband would be super pisssed I didn’t shared some lines with him.

lol this has got to be one of the most honest posts I have seen in a long time. I usually think AI but this I believe. We all have different sides to our personalities whether we admit it, choose to conceal it or not. I understand that you were disappointed that the person in your group also signed up for the evening and you don't want to be judged by what people perceive you to be, and then be something that they don't think you are really - but you are doing this to your 'lovely' friend too, pre-judging.

Do you feel that you have been caught out and the other friends will feel like they are not good enough if they find out you are 'going out behind their backs'? This is a very schoolgirl throwback attitude but in a small town, you don't want to alienate people. Just do your thing tonight and talk to others and just say hi and move on when you see the other friend. She is there for the same reasons I suspect.

MyTattooIsBetterThanYours · 23/01/2026 13:45

My mum wears Hobbs and she’s 87.

silverwrath · 23/01/2026 13:46

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 12:20

You might think I’m joking BUT at my grandma’s funeral my aunties got a boombox out and started dancing!

my dad also FaceTimed my sister so she could say goodbye (my sister was living abroad at the time).

This actually happened.

This whole thread is just bizarre. You sound like a teenager. Not an adult with grown up kids.

bozzabollix · 23/01/2026 13:46

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 07:37

No, it’s not necessarily that I don’t like her, but for the most part she’s now boxed in the “sensible / double dates” box,

I do like going a bit wild (as wild as you can as not a lot happens here!) but she does t really drink, so it’s a completely different vibe.

i like to dress up, etc… as I don’t have a chance due to what I do being stuck at home all the time, and she doesn’t, so it’s always a bit of a mismatch.

I don’t understand why you can’t attend and just be yourself with her there? People can take you as they find you, stop worrying!

DameOfThrones · 23/01/2026 13:47

silverwrath · 23/01/2026 13:46

This whole thread is just bizarre. You sound like a teenager. Not an adult with grown up kids.

No-one this down wiv da kidz would call it a 'boombox' 😬

5128gap · 23/01/2026 13:48

DameOfThrones · 23/01/2026 13:22

Your autism was quite the drip feed. You would have had a different set of replies if you had stated that in your first post. I spent most of the thread thinking you were a little too self important and that you thought you were better than most people until I read that.

I'm not sure the replies would've been different?

You can have autism and still be too self important/think you're better than others.

It's not always an either/or thing.

Funny, I don't get the feel of someone who genuinely believes themselves 'better'. I get the opposite.
The OP sounds like someone who has spent much time with her nose pressed against the window watching what the 'cool people' were up to but never feeling she could be part of it.
Now in later life she is going all out to reinvent herself as the type of person who does all these things. Making comparisons between her cool wild self and boring people is to hammer this home. As is all the detail about the fun, youthful lifestyle she and her husband live.
OP is painting a picture to us of the self she has always wanted to be.

InveterateWineDrinker · 23/01/2026 13:48

expatme · 23/01/2026 13:23

My husband for example is a walking Hollister catalogue and deffo parties hard when he can.

So?

My husband's like a walking Zegna shop and likes vintage reds. What difference does that make?

Until 18 months ago I drove a Zegna edition Maserati Quattroporte, but would pick the kids up in it dressed from the 5 items for £2 rail at the community centre.

ShowMeTheSea · 23/01/2026 13:50

It's a specific early 2000s look, which is now so old it's starting to come back into fashion again

2000s is now so old it's starting to come back into fashion again?! 😭
Ok, that's it I'm officially old and done with this thread 🤣

MyTattooIsBetterThanYours · 23/01/2026 13:55

Does your husband wear shoes with no socks and ankle grazing white skinnies as well?

silverwrath · 23/01/2026 13:56

DameOfThrones · 23/01/2026 13:47

No-one this down wiv da kidz would call it a 'boombox' 😬

You may have a point. 😂

Well now I'm even more baffled.

HereComesAuntySocial · 23/01/2026 13:58

OP reminds me of someone I used to be friends with but I started feeling so exhausted and embarrassed by her behaviour I had to end the friendship.

She has teenage girls and is in her 40’s and it’s like she’s desperate to be seen as part of their friend group.

She copies slang they use, buys alcohol for them, gives them sex tips, smokes weed with them and it oozes desperation and immaturity.
Her daughters stopped having friends round because my friend wouldn’t leave them alone and was desperate to join in conversations, if she heard them planning a night out or a trip away she would expect to be invited.
She paid for some of her daughter’s friends to go on holiday with them then wanted to go out clubbing with them and called me in tears saying she felt left out when they went out without telling her. After that she latched onto the club rep in her twenties who was paid to show interest in her and thought they had struck up a deep friendship and commented how she got on with someone younger so much better because they were on the same wavelength. She swapped phone numbers and texted and called her constantly when she got home and invited her to stay with her. When the rep didn’t reply she became obsessed checking she was online and became very depressed and couldn’t handle the rejection, it was very intense and strange and I bet the rep was completely freaked out.
She started bragging about “snap chat streaks” with her kids friends and kept posting pictures with herself with them on insta.

She wasn’t always like that, she used to be quite a sensible woman who didn’t drink and would have judged someone behaving similar to how she is now.
When I was in my twenties and was wild and irresponsible her children were young and she used to say she was glad she was happy and settled and was old before her time, on her hen night she didn’t drink and went to bed at 10.30, her other “mum friends” were similar and very disapproving that I wanted to stay out later and carry on drinking.

It’s like she got bored of her personality and created a new one and she describes herself at fortyteen which makes me cringe so hard.
She also seems desperate to shock people and thinks they are in awe of her when they are actually just confused.

I loved a pps description of saying OP sounds like Pertunia - Brenda’s mum from dinnerladies, I think that’s quite fitting.

I noticed OP using “pissed” instead of “pissed off” and used “Mom” to start with but then reverts to “mum” when she mentioned the mean girls reference.
This is like teenagers using Americanisms because they think it sounds cool.
It made me think of Joey in friends trying to be a 19 year old.

OP you are trying too hard and you might think people think you are this crazy wacky person who is not like the other adults but it comes across as desperation to be admired.
Your “crazy” anecdotes about talking to strangers in a club and a wake being a bit lively are no different to most peoples lives and didn’t have anyone admiring you and feeling envious that we aren’t as complex and and interesting as you.

I sound harsh but your mention of designer clothes being a personality trait screams insecurity like a teenager desperate for the right clothes to blend in - that’s not a compliment and doesn’t mean you could play a 19 year old!
Bragging about partying and taking drugs also reminds me of teenagers desperate to rebel and be admired by peers.

Stop trying so hard and just be you, as multiple people have posted, everyone has different sides to themselves because they learn different behaviour is appropriate for different situations but they are the same person underneath.

If you want friends you need to be authentic, good friendships are built on trust and respect and you don’t have to have every single thing in common or be the same to get on with someone.
People will see through the act you are putting on and are more likely to talk about you than to you.

SnoopyPajamas · 23/01/2026 13:59

ShowMeTheSea · 23/01/2026 13:50

It's a specific early 2000s look, which is now so old it's starting to come back into fashion again

2000s is now so old it's starting to come back into fashion again?! 😭
Ok, that's it I'm officially old and done with this thread 🤣

You must have missed the "Fall 2009" trend that was huge in October of last year. Or the "2016" revival doing the rounds at the minute!

We're all hideously aged, I'm afraid. I'm mid-thirties and meeting people who were born after 9/11 was my turning point, personally. That was a few years ago. It's just kept accelerating since 😂

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 14:00

whackwhackoops · 23/01/2026 13:44

lol this has got to be one of the most honest posts I have seen in a long time. I usually think AI but this I believe. We all have different sides to our personalities whether we admit it, choose to conceal it or not. I understand that you were disappointed that the person in your group also signed up for the evening and you don't want to be judged by what people perceive you to be, and then be something that they don't think you are really - but you are doing this to your 'lovely' friend too, pre-judging.

Do you feel that you have been caught out and the other friends will feel like they are not good enough if they find out you are 'going out behind their backs'? This is a very schoolgirl throwback attitude but in a small town, you don't want to alienate people. Just do your thing tonight and talk to others and just say hi and move on when you see the other friend. She is there for the same reasons I suspect.

Exactly!! Thank you!

that’s exactly how I feel it could translate as, like she’s not good enough. Especially when in theory we’re close.

OP posts:
1980isitjustme · 23/01/2026 14:01

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 09:22

Everybody is missing that point. I don’t want to go not because she’ll see I’m wild, but because it’s awkward to admit that I wanted to expand my friendship group. Or that was my knee jerk reaction.

You’ve said you don’t have many friends so that’s not weird at all and no reason why the other person would think so. You sound like you just want to be the main character - im pretty sure you are overestimating the thought that this other person gives you or what you do.

sorry but it sounds like you need to grow up and get on with your own life (or multiple lives as you seem to claim 🙄)

MiddleChildX · 23/01/2026 14:02

wishingonastar101 · 23/01/2026 13:22

Just googled 'Hollister Catalogue" so the husband is a chav?

So did I, but somehow ended up looking at colostomy bags. Clearly I’m too old and uncool to view actual Hollister…

Givenup2026 · 23/01/2026 14:02

HereComesAuntySocial · 23/01/2026 13:58

OP reminds me of someone I used to be friends with but I started feeling so exhausted and embarrassed by her behaviour I had to end the friendship.

She has teenage girls and is in her 40’s and it’s like she’s desperate to be seen as part of their friend group.

She copies slang they use, buys alcohol for them, gives them sex tips, smokes weed with them and it oozes desperation and immaturity.
Her daughters stopped having friends round because my friend wouldn’t leave them alone and was desperate to join in conversations, if she heard them planning a night out or a trip away she would expect to be invited.
She paid for some of her daughter’s friends to go on holiday with them then wanted to go out clubbing with them and called me in tears saying she felt left out when they went out without telling her. After that she latched onto the club rep in her twenties who was paid to show interest in her and thought they had struck up a deep friendship and commented how she got on with someone younger so much better because they were on the same wavelength. She swapped phone numbers and texted and called her constantly when she got home and invited her to stay with her. When the rep didn’t reply she became obsessed checking she was online and became very depressed and couldn’t handle the rejection, it was very intense and strange and I bet the rep was completely freaked out.
She started bragging about “snap chat streaks” with her kids friends and kept posting pictures with herself with them on insta.

She wasn’t always like that, she used to be quite a sensible woman who didn’t drink and would have judged someone behaving similar to how she is now.
When I was in my twenties and was wild and irresponsible her children were young and she used to say she was glad she was happy and settled and was old before her time, on her hen night she didn’t drink and went to bed at 10.30, her other “mum friends” were similar and very disapproving that I wanted to stay out later and carry on drinking.

It’s like she got bored of her personality and created a new one and she describes herself at fortyteen which makes me cringe so hard.
She also seems desperate to shock people and thinks they are in awe of her when they are actually just confused.

I loved a pps description of saying OP sounds like Pertunia - Brenda’s mum from dinnerladies, I think that’s quite fitting.

I noticed OP using “pissed” instead of “pissed off” and used “Mom” to start with but then reverts to “mum” when she mentioned the mean girls reference.
This is like teenagers using Americanisms because they think it sounds cool.
It made me think of Joey in friends trying to be a 19 year old.

OP you are trying too hard and you might think people think you are this crazy wacky person who is not like the other adults but it comes across as desperation to be admired.
Your “crazy” anecdotes about talking to strangers in a club and a wake being a bit lively are no different to most peoples lives and didn’t have anyone admiring you and feeling envious that we aren’t as complex and and interesting as you.

I sound harsh but your mention of designer clothes being a personality trait screams insecurity like a teenager desperate for the right clothes to blend in - that’s not a compliment and doesn’t mean you could play a 19 year old!
Bragging about partying and taking drugs also reminds me of teenagers desperate to rebel and be admired by peers.

Stop trying so hard and just be you, as multiple people have posted, everyone has different sides to themselves because they learn different behaviour is appropriate for different situations but they are the same person underneath.

If you want friends you need to be authentic, good friendships are built on trust and respect and you don’t have to have every single thing in common or be the same to get on with someone.
People will see through the act you are putting on and are more likely to talk about you than to you.

The linguistics that you mentioned is because I naturally speak American English, not British English.

But I try to type in a British way.

OP posts: