Small town problems!

[Givenup2026]

as I don’t have that many friends, I’m trying out myself out there. There’s a FB group where people post and organise meet-ups. Somebody posted about meeting this Saturday, and I was one of the first ones to reply.

For better or for worse, my friend (who I’m trying to extend / separate) my non existent friend group also replied. So then I had to separately message the organiser telling her I really wanted to go but won’t go anymore to avoid any awkwardness. I also explained there’s absolutely nothing wrong with her and she’s lovely but I just want a completely separate friend group.

i talked to my DH and 15yo and they both agreed it would had been awkward to attend, but that considering we’re in a smallish town, it will
keep happening. So I could try and have an open and frank conversation with her, but that it would invariably misconstrued.

AIBU to be a bit annoyed? They also seemed like a proper party crowd (the organiser even told me she is) and that’s something that I’m looking for.

of course I could go and semi ignore her but I think it would be worse!

OP you remind me of Kendra Licari - the mother in the Netflix documentary Unknown Number: The High School Catfish.

She also hung out with her teen daughter's friends 😳

Maybe Doris will meet a whole load of new friends and no longer want to hang out with you. Job done.

I think I would feel as uncomfortable around the OP as I would around Amanda from Motherland (whether she's in her "designer" persona and clutching her 3K straw bag or in her PJs).

Honestly messaging the organiser has made you look like you're a big drama person.

This.

Most people would go either be polite but focused on new people or glad to see a friendly face and still mingle.

No one "feels" like they're old enough to be an adult. It's a very common feeling.

However, though, we all are.

Unless this new club is for swinging or something why would you care that Mary from the school gates finds out you’re into raving / dungeons and dragons / showing off your handbag collection?

I think you’re focussing too much on how different you think you are, you don’t realise that you’re not different at all. You seemed to be shocked that an engineer could like snowboarding and rock music, not only are those things not mutually exclusive, they’re also a bit of a cliche. Nobody just has one side to their personality.

I has an only friend a bit like you, seems to be stuck in the 90/00s and school days as it was the best time of her life. She hangs out with people younger than her, tries to get into what the kids like (but gets it a bit wrong), maybe a bit like your husband head to toe in holister!! A lot happened to her over the years and I don’t think she likes her life and the adult she became so like to regress. Does this ring any bells with you?

I mean i don't feel old enough to be almost 60 but here we are !

When I was at uni there was a woman in her mid 30s who worked in a pub with one of my housemates. She was always trying to hang out with us and telling us how wild she was and how she could drink more than us, was always the last one dancing etc. We all just found her really weird and wondered why she had no friends her own age and why she wanted to go out with 20 year olds she had nothing in common. It was tragic.

My 91 year old dad confided he was worried that one day he might get old 🤣🤣

There is not feeling your age and there is being a bit desperate to be young and cool... like hanging around teenage boys giving them alcohol.
Reverse this... middle aged man likes having around daughters teenage friends giving them cocktails after 6th form.

Sorry, OP, but from your other posts, I'm gleaning that you're in your forties, at least? (There's one where you talk about crashing a uni party in your mid-thirties, as if it happened quite a long time ago.)

But you want to be "a party animal" and get trashed on drink and drugs with people at least ten years younger than you. You buy designer clothes I'm guessing you saw on TikTok, even though you have nowhere to wear them to. You're open to doing drugs (though you haven't in a "loooonng" time) and then going back to your normal life of dropping the kids to school the next day. You don't see anything wrong with this.

Sorry, but this is all just tragic. I'm guessing the reason you want to avoid your friend is that she thinks this too - and so does everyone who actually knows you. So you're left trying to adopt a "persona" with people who don't. But you know eventually they'll figure out your circumstances too, right? And look at you the same way? The only reason you have fun when you travel for work is that the people you're meeting are just out for the night. They don't know or care who you are, really, and most of them probably assume you're younger or don't have kids. You can't replicate that kind of double life in a small town.

@Givenup2026 Your autism was quite the drip feed. You would have had a different set of replies if you had stated that in your first post. I spent most of the thread thinking you were a little too self important and that you thought you were better than most people until I read that.

Although, it is very clear that you look down upon your ex "friend"

Just be yourself. You will behave differently in different scenarios. That's normal. We all do.

My husband for example is a walking Hollister catalogue and deffo parties hard when he can

What does partying hard mean? Too much alcohol? Lines of coke? Other drugs? Swinging?

Given that you have older teenagers shouldn't you have grown out of that by now?

I agree i was just comenting that nobody really feels their age most act it though.

This is one of the weirdest posts I've seen - why would you message the organiser saying you're not coming as someone else is coming...I'm sure the organiser doesn't want to be involved or even remotely care. Just go and make new friends :)

Just googled 'Hollister Catalogue" so the husband is a chav?

Your autism was quite the drip feed. You would have had a different set of replies if you had stated that in your first post. I spent most of the thread thinking you were a little too self important and that you thought you were better than most people until I read that.

I'm not sure the replies would've been different?

You can have autism and still be too self important/think you're better than others.

It's not always an either/or thing.

My husband for example is a walking Hollister catalogue and deffo parties hard when he can.

So?

My husband's like a walking Zegna shop and likes vintage reds. What difference does that make?

I think even the 'Chavs' gave up on Hollister well over a decade ago.

Probably over 15 year ago really.

Oh OP you are getting a hard time. Everyone here seems to know who you are and what you should be doing instead.
What a wise and sensible lot. Heh.

Just be yourself, and try to rub along with everyone.

All the talk of different personas seems very high school to me. Small community living requires a degree of authenticity and civility.

I totally get you op, in regards to the way you act around different people. I have friends I go walks with/for lunch with and don't drink. Then I have couple friends we let our hair down with and are up till daft o clock. Then there's people I'm friends with myself but more reserved. If I was planning in my head to go to a meet up to meet new people, I think it would throw me off too if someone I knew already was going who is someone I'm more reserved around.

Chances are if you both go, youl end up getting close to different people anyway so I'd still go.

My husband for example is a walking Hollister catalogue

Jesus. How old is he? How embarrassing.

My husband is a walking jumble sale 😁

We know who she is because she's told us in very specific detail how crazy and quirky and rebellious she and her husband are. She even alluded that they have done drugs before 😮 It's hard for very normal non-special people like most posters to answer but we're doing our best.