Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

It’s not a lie in to need to sleep past 7am when you didn’t get home from a long work day until almost 2am.

You're making a rod for your own back. Is he really incapable of feeding himself and walking the dog?

Yes, we both did. In fact, when I went away with my friend for a weekend, he looked after her kids as well as our own as she was a single parent.

the OP is not thrilled about having to spend the morning with the baby, so if you start making judgements about people you don't know...

And I would say to that you are both unreasonable.

I wouldn’t have thanked my DH for buggering off and leaving me with a five month old for the weekend; I certainly wouldn’t have done it to him.

Whoops.
That was a big mistake.
People don't change. He is a workaholic and will always be a workaholic. You will just have to get used to it.
You could spend the next 40 years trying to get him to change, nagging him to come home at a reasonable time, making plans for time together as a couple and being disappointed when he cancels due to work, etc.
Or you could just accept it. You are the default parent. As the child gets older, you will need to arrange childcare if you want any time to yourself.

All of which can be done with a baby. Even showering you put them in their bouncy chair on the bathroom floor and play peek a boo.

Personally I would love to spend the morning with my baby before leaving on a trip. Unfortunately, all my trips meant leaving around 5 am so all I could do was peek at them and try not to wake them up.

Sorry I think you're being unreasonable. If one parent is having the dc while the other goes away I would expect the parent who's having the time off to have the dc the morning before they go.

Unhappily, frazzled is whst parenthood creates. 🤷‍♀️

It sounds like it's the wider situation that's the problem here rather than this one specific morning.

We are both capable of looking after a baby for a couple of days.

There is nothing for you to be sad about. My husband is an incredibly wonderful father. And we are surrounded by other lovely, upstanding, funny, committed men who adore their children. They all do the things you list in your post. But they are not mothers.

My mind is boggled at the women here, some of whom call themselves "feminists", who criticise a mother for having a weekend away from their 5 month old baby.
The baby is 5 months, not 5 weeks.
Of course baby will be absolutely fine.

@Peachepan don't listen to these judgemental posts.

There's some judgy fuckers on this thread!

Nowhere does Op indicate that she doesn't enjoy spending time with her baby. She just wanted time to get ready.

Her husband on the other hand views it as being tied down.

Have you studied child development? Attachment formation? Identity formation?

I'm guessing not?

Yes, so am I. But it is nice to have a bit of extra support and get a bit of a break, which can’t happen if the other parent is off for the weekend.

When my ds was five months I was a wreck. I was up half the night; I only got a ‘break’ when walking and pushing the pram. DH going away for a weekend and not getting a bit of a lie in, a bit of time to recharge, would have destroyed me.

I get not all babies are terrible sleepers (my second wasn’t) but it’s still intense as hell.

The ONLY difference is that only mums can breastfeed.

We also alternated between breast and bottle so that we could share feeds. I would do early evening breastfeed and then go to bed. DH would do the midnight bottle and settle baby to sleep. When they next woke for a feed, I would breastfeed. That way, we both got a reasonable run of unbroken sleep.

Well … yeah 🤷‍♀️

If we’re at a point where we can’t judge something and say it’s not right, that’s madness.

Being a feminist doesn’t mean taking on the most despicable habits of men and emulating them. No parent should be fucking off for the weekend with a baby that young.

That would work if they only woke up when they wanted a feed

This. Start as you mean to go on. Do not prep food or meals when you are heading away for a weekend. He is not helpless . All through my kids childhood l went away 2 weekends a year and just walked out. And, although l did most of the cooking, dh just got on with it. Same for the dog.
Could he have popped the baby into bed with him for an extra bit of sleep?

Getting Home at 2am is on him. I personally wouldn’t leave the house spotless and arrange dog walks etc, if you cope, he should too. It’s fine to be nice but you’ve made it sound like women’s work.

However I think a leisurely morning before a weekend away is a bit much. I wouldn’t give my partner this. If it’s an evening out then you need a bit of time to get ready but a leisurely shower and coffee and hair styling feels a bit unreasonable.

If they woke for other reasons we would take them into our bed. DD used to sleep with her head in DH's armpit. For some reason she loved it and found it soothing

Tomorrow.. on her holidays

So how old in your opinion how old should the baby have to be before she can have a weekend off?
considering she has experienced some postnatal depression. Or should she never have time away from her child.