Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

“He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend”

He’s not being “tied down” he’s parenting his son for one weekend. If DH was already awake then I think it was fine to want a leisurely morning getting ready for your trip. You have already done him a favour preparing the house etc. I assume you do a lot of the parenting as it sounds like DH would rather not

This!!
If my DH knew i was headed off on a much need w/e away then it wouldn't be a conversation - he'd be hanging out with the baby downstairs while i was upstairs getting ready. No matter what time he got home, because weekends away on our own with our own group of friends happen so rarely!

You lost me at needing to “mentally prepare”
yabu

I think your expectations of him were too high OP.
He thought he had a lie in as you weren’t leaving till later in the morning. If he only came in from work at 1.45, you could have given him an extra couple of hours to sleep to ensure he was well rested, especially if it was his first time in sole charge all weekend.

But it was your first time in this situation and you live and learn.
Of course, you probably ‘deserved’ a lot more understanding and effort from him but in my experience that leads to disappointment. Sad I know.

Better to secretly have fewer expectations ….and then be pleasantly surprised if he pulls it out of the bag.

Guess OP doesn't work.
So DH works all week then has to get up on the weekend extra early so you can do your hair before going away for the weekend.

Not sure why you two had a kid... seems like you're not that into it.

Yeah your DH needs to pull his weight more. He needs to prioritise the humans in his life, over his work (a discussion i frequently have with my DH!). It is soul destroying being a single parent within a marriage.

Better to secretly have fewer expectations ….and then be pleasantly surprised if he pulls it out of the bag.

WTF?

I know what she means. To switch from taking care of baby, house and dog to being in the mindframe to go and have fun with your friends, especially when it involves an airport trip, for the first time in god knows how long. She's explained she gets frazzled and anxious, and is currently self-concious after having her first baby. She wanted to feel 'ready'. She's not wrong for that.

Sorry but you are being ridiculous. You have the full weekend to yourself. You both need to pull together and communicate more effectively tbh.

He’s taking the baby for the weekend

I am surprised you didn’t have some separation anxiety

I think neither of you were particularly reasonable in this story to be honest. If you’re away for the weekend then it doesn’t make sense not to make sure he has as much sleep as possible before being on his own - I’d say this in the reverse as well. My husband travelled for work a lot when we had wee ones and he’d always make sure everything was as relaxed and easy as possible before leaving - take responsibility the night before and the night of his return, etc.

Are you both working or is he working these crazy hours so that you can pay your mortgage and bills and whatnot? As that’s an unreasonable schedule as well.

Hope you have a lovely trip!

In this one situation, waking him at 7am when he only came home at 1.45am, yabu. Easily could have let him sleep until 9am and still have time for you to be ready.
Him working lots and not pulling weight is deeper issue that needs addressed

This is the equivalent of someone (my dh) going on a business trip with a lovely solo hotel room to sleep in and a nice flight to close his eyes and daring to tell me he’s tired.

OP, yabu. 20 min absolutely, 2h NO. I usually take 20-30 min to get ready for a day out with friends and apologize profusely to dh because I know he already has a solid 8h ahead.

Completely agree! (Although the baby's even younger, only 5 months.)

@Peachepan, it sounds like we are very, very different people with vastly different priorities, so what I'm about to say will probably carry absolutely zero weight with you. However, I think the reason you have got yourself into this state is that you know, in your heart of hearts, that it is too early to leave your baby, and you are masking it with the primping and the sniping. You are already suffering, and your baby will suffer when you leave and don't come back for two days. I think you've made the wrong call.

As for the actual arrangements this morning, a little communciation and planning in advance would have sorted that.

You are being unreasonable. He got in late from work. If it was my DH I would have gone him a lie in.

He should have made an effort for you. It's as if he doesn't care about your weekend away?

Yes this. If his business is the sort that requires late nights (e.g. emergency on call plumber) or has busy periods with hard deadlines (e.g. mortician) then op is unreasonable. If, (and I get the feeling this is the case from ops post) DH was working late because he wanted to or hadn't organised his time well despite knowing op was leaving early the next day then HE'S unreasonable.

I sort of don't think either of you are being unreasonable, I think you need to communicate more. When I go out my partner will always ask me what time I want to start getting ready rather than what time I'm leaving.

If your husband was going away for the weekend I think we would all be agreeing that he ought to help out until it's time for to leave for his flight. I see no reason the same shouldn't apply to you. I'm not really clear how it can take so long to get ready anyway but I'm a more brush my hair and stick a bit of lip gloss on kind of a person particularly if I'm just going away with a friend

Its also incredibly hard being the sole money earner in a family...

On the particular issue you have posted about, I too, think YABVU.

I would not have had a baby with someone who thought it acceptable to be out at work until 1.45 am though (other than as a shift worker who then had time off elsewhere in the week or month to balance it out). If - as you have inferred - this is a person who goes out to work in the morning and doesn't return for 16 or 17 hours, then THAT is unreasonable.

I cannot actually believe a mother would choose to leave a 5 month old baby for a weekend away. So I think you're unreasonable anyway.

It only gets worse OP. How was he about you taking this time out? Supportive? Or sulky? I know what my money is on.

Hang on, did he not get in until 01:45 because he absolutely had to do work stuff, or because he wanted to sabotage your weekend?

I agree!