Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

I get that you need to get ready to go but I’d be annoyed if my partner was going away and also wouldn’t have the baby before they went for hours. Especially if I’d been at work late.

As he got in so late I think maybe unfair for him to start the weekend off being up so early and feeling exhausted. As baby is so young, only 5 months, could they not go under the baby gym or in their bouncer for ten mins whilst you do your make up next time

@WallaceinAnderland there is talk of PND on here and posts like this exacerbate it.

Oh it’s so easy … just feed them … just take them into your bed, it’s so easy, of course anyone can have a baby (and a toddler and your friends children) for a whole weekend. So easy.

So why do some find it so hard?

Because it IS! Only rose tinted glasses or an exceptionally easy baby can make it otherwise.

What is it with people now, they have a baby and it's like life stops.
They become disabled some cant wash a cup up because they have a baby.
Now they cant do their hair and need hours to mentally prepare to go out.

Stop the planet and let me off.

Life may not stop but it sure as hell doesn’t carry on like nothing happened.

It's OP with PND not her DH. She wants him to help her by watching his own child whilst she gets ready to go away. If he is tired he can do what all mothers are advised to do, sleep when baby sleeps.

If your baby is only 5m and you’re the constant, then I think going away for an entire weekend is just awful for them. You’re there and just gone completely for a whole 2 days and especially the nights when they really feel it.
if your baby was even a bit older I would say it’s completely fine, but a 5mo? That’s just something I would not think is a good thing to do to a very young baby.

I wonder how many times OPs husbamd
has left his wife to deal with the baby on five (a luxury tbf) hours sleep in the past 5 months while he went out with mates, to the gym, on an elusive hobby they all seem to have or even just going to work. Let’s not pretend going to work is a hardship when there’s a newborn on the scene. The escape is bliss. So OP who has grown an entire human being for 9 months and then spent the next 5 months keeping said child alive doesn’t get an extra coupe of hours to prepare and spoil herself by y’know putting on some make up and doing her hair because that’s excessive time for her before her first
couple of days away from her baby

Has MN been overrun by tradwives or are our expectations of fatherhood really so low?

And then she reasonably needs to accept the same in reverse. But why would a woman have PND? After all, it’s so easy: life doesn’t stop or anything, does it? It’s not exhausting at all, is it?

YANBU at all, so many people on MN act like men are heroes if they have to do 1/4 of what women are expected to do. It sounds like your OH works too much because he prefers that to family life. He's not a single man with no responsibility so he is unreasonable to feel tethered by his children.

Women are expected to give up everything about themselves when they become a mother but so many men's lives just carry on as they are. And they are only able to do that because of the mother picking up the slack for everything.

If I was going away and needed to prepare, I'd be exactly the same and my husband would be completely okay with it. He doesn't get to be a dad when he chooses to be, he's one all the time, whether I am there or not.

I’d have put my baby in a bouncy chair as I did my make up and let my DH sleep. It all sounds a bit of a drama.

why do you need 2 adults to martyr themselves and be with a baby at all time?
Didn't any of you work ever?

No one was allowed to do something without baby in tow? Poor child

This is what I think too.

OP, you say you don’t want to feel frazzled but I do think your DH has the bigger challenge here with sleep deprivation. And I do think it’s great given all the hours he has been working, that he has stepped up to looking after your 5th month old whilst you go for a break.

Personally I would have let him sleep. Why on earth do you have to spend so much time getting ready?

Their baby not her baby.

Leaving a baby at 5 months for a weekend,is unacceptable in my eyes.Surely it doesn’t take hours to get ready. What a drama!

It's well documented that many women suffer from PND and it has nothing to do with how 'easy' their baby is.

Did he by any chance work extra late yesterday OP? In the hope he could then sleep in for as long as possible before you leave?

leaving a baby alone, I agree, is more than unacceptable.
leaving a baby with his PARENT? What's wrong with that? Are you campaigning for dads to have at least 6 months paternity leave on full pay so they don't leave their baby every day?

It says more about you to have that twisted reasoning than anything else 😂

Aw thank you - I do try.

Why would you not let DH catch up on some sleep? As well as want to spend time with your baby before you go away for the weekend? I'm saying YABU.

He was unreasonable getting in at 1.45am knowing you would be leaving in the morning and need to get ready etc.

But I would maybe have let him sleep until around 8ish and then you still would have had a couple of hours. I do my hair but it never takes more than 30 mins!

This.

If I’d got home at 1:45am and DH woke me at 7am to look after the baby so he could brush his hair for an outing that didn’t start until hours later I’d be raging. I don’t “get” the mentally prepare thing either - it’s not an exam or a job interview, it’s a fun trip with a friend. Him not liking the baby, not being able to walk his own dog or cook his own dinner is a separate issue. He could be the world’s biggest arsehole and still shouldn’t have been woken up so you can brush your hair. It’s not massively clear why he came home at 1:45 - is that within normal opening hours for his business? Did he stay late because he can’t work at the weekend? Does he faff about all day going to the gym and having coffees and then work late because he prefers it?

Yeah, sounds like you put quite a bit of effort into making it as easy as possible for him this weekend (to look after his own kid 🙄).

Don't give it another thought and enjoy your trip away. ✈ 🍷🍸🍹