Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

I am a woman who strongly believes in equality. And we will never achieve it as long as women themselves reinforce outdated roles and act as though housework and childcare are “women’s work.”

The suggestion that only a man could fight for shared parenting arrangements is frankly, depressing.

it doesn't "matter", just illustrates why and how I know plenty of men who solo parents and I am neither making stuff up nor am the exception as you are implying I am.

I am not sure how you can not know or know of dads solo parenting

He was working

@GaIadriel

Or…maybe it IS internalised misogyny…

@rwalker

but did he reallllllly need to work so late?? OP is implying not…

I wouldn't have left my baby for a weekend away when she was this young, but thats just me I suppose. Men aren't women and aren't capabable of dealing with babies and house managament stress on their own the way we are, I would have worried too much about leaving them.

@Gmary22

lol, men are perfectly capable. It’s not that hard - looking after a baby and a house - just relentless and boring. Men have haven’t had to do it as women have always stepped up inline with the patriarchy. But it’s doesn’t mean that they can’t do it. I’m sad for you that you didn’t get to have time for yourself and to see your friends when your kids were small! I bet your husband was rubbing his hands with glee…he’d got you right where he wanted to you! Thinking he was too dumb to manage of the boring relentless household/childcare stuff. What a life!

Not usually unless the mother has health issues or an addiction of some kind.
You're being facetious and deliberately ignoring reality.

We are a di-morphic species so women's bodies have evolved over millions of years to carry babies and later to feed babies - men's have not and as a result men have not traditionally taken care of babies and the overwhelming majority of men alive today still do not, so society has a lot of changing to do before that becomes the norm anywhere. There's also the question of instinct which is particularly important during the first year when babies are incredibly vulnerable.

He was taking Thursday and Friday off work while she went on long weekend so I’d imagine so.

@EspressoMachiato

nonsense. Looking after a baby isn’t beyond a man’s capabilities, it just isn’t. Just because they haven’t had to because of the patriarchy doesn’t mean that that they can’t. And frankly it’s about time more women started like the OP and giving them more opportunity to prove this!

At the end of the day not every woman wants to be a martyr to motherhood 🤷‍♀️

I'm not disagreeing. The way people treat father's compared to mothers is disgusting. My husband has had similar comments. The amount of people that think he's a walking saint for taking the kids to the super market with him 🙄
For me, I would have the same opinion if it was a man wanting a few extra hours too. I think it is unreasonable.

It's like Women's Lib was just a dream.

Not leaving your baby is one thing, absolutely fine, but I don't know if I should scream or cry when I read the rest of your comments - shared by many, so it's not about you specifically

When so-called fake feminists try and fail to cleverly mock the poor menz, we should throw these believes to their face, and maybe they'll finally understand women are their worst enemies, and many dads don't step up because they are not allowed to!

(and what even is house management stress, out of curiosity?)

It's not martyrdom to put your baby first - why have one in the first place if hair and makeup override the baby's best interst?

OP sounds selfish imho - her husband may be too.

However, he is setting up his own business and is a workaholic which she probably knew before having a baby with him.

It's most likely he worked until nearly 2 in the morning to free up his time on Friday so she could head off for a long weekend.

I think she's unreasonable to also want to get him up after only 5 hours sleep and after working a double-shift so she can do her make-up and hair...

Leaving a baby with a sleep-deprived husband is not in the baby's best interest no matter what way you look at it.

@EspressoMachiato

what about leaving a baby with a sleep deprived mother?? Because I would imagine that is a scenario that plays out in millions and millions of homes across the world.

are you trying to say that women don’t need sleep in the way men do…?? That they can cope better??

No time off parenting whilst working 60 hours a week?? So you took them to work with you? 🤔

I'm referring to the specific circumstances that OP outlined at the top of this thread - you can conflate them to your hearts' content if it makes you feel better.

If OP had just worked a double-shift and come home at 2am (btw many mothers do if they work as nurses, nurses' assistants, firewomen, prison officers, etc) and her hubby was heading off for the weekend with his mates and expected her to get up after only 5 hours' sleep so he could beautify himself for 3 hours I would also say he was being unreasonable and not putting the baby first.

He probably also likes sleep.

I don't like anyone at 7am.

Babies, especially, can get in the bin.

Mothers are the default parents for babies this age. It happens so much it's practically ubiquitous. Not just in humans either.

It's not unreasonable at all to expect the other parent to step up to make it as equitable as possible, but realistically, there IS going to be a default parent (babies may even benefit from this) and it's probably going to be mum. A bit of expectation management in expectant parents would not go amiss at all.

For example. Expecting to have hours to do hair and makeup when you have a 5mo baby is beyond what I would call reasonable. This is someone clinging the not-a-mum version of herself, because she's scared (like most of us) that that version of her is at risk of vanishing forever, and also that this new version is less desirable and has less value. These are completely reasonable and familiar fears, but this is what needs tackling, imo, not just, "who should hold the baby" (which is often decided by the baby at that age, let's be honest 🤷‍♀️).

Sooooo much to unpack.

Mothers are the default parents for babies this age. It happens so much it's practically ubiquitous. Not just in humans either.

biologically, they have to be but only for a couple of reasons. They are the ones who need to recover from childbirth - which can be straightforward or painfully slow. So far (and hopefully it stays that well ), only mothers can breastfeed.

If you remove recovery and breastfeeding, because mum can't or simply does not want to, parents are absolutely equal.

A man is not less able to parent just because he has a penis. See again the number of male obstetrician and paediatricians etc who are perfectly able to do a lot more than most natural mothers can

If you can't trust your husband, why did you even have a baby with him?

I left my newborn baby (not even two weeks old) to go away for a whole day, just for a jolly.

I look back and don't recognise myself. That wasn't a normal or healthy thing to do, if I'm really brutally honest with myself, but I think this kind of thing is relatively common in first time mums. Totally understandable when you think about it, it's just a huge adjustment, so all encompassing, and so scary in so many ways.

Even with that level of detachment, you wouldn't have been able to pry me away from him with a crowbar at five months old. And I'd have had a completely rubbish time to boot. Because normal babies want to be with their mum, and mums, normally want to be with their babies. We'd have been fucked as a species if this weren't the case.

We are all different, obviously, but I think there's a conversation to be had around healthy attachment when it comes to young babies.

Considering you've made the rest of the weekend as easy as possible for him, I don't blame you

Did he need to be home so late?

And yet she'll be expected to do everything she has to do usually no matter how little sleep she has, tired, and no one will bat an eyelid!

Definitely not unreasonable to want to feel nice and to not necessarily look like a sleep deprived mum of a 5 month old when going away with your friends!

If he was going away i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have to worry about doing meal prep/leaving the house spotless/who's going to watch the baby whilst he gets himself ready to go and he almost certainly wouldn't be expected to walk around with said 5 month old in a sling whilst getting himself ready!!

Double standards really boil my pi** when it comes to things like this 🙄

Oh. Dear. God.

• Because normal babies want to be with their mum, and mums, normally want to be with their babies.*

If you ALLOW your poor husband to be involved and bond with his own child, baby will want to be with either of you! When your baby spends more time with you because dad has to go back to work after a couple of days, baby is not closer to you because you are the mum, it's because you spend the most time with hime - and apparently don't allow the dad to be involved.

I don't know why some women feel some superiority in pretending they are essential to their baby, PARENTS are.

mums, normally want to be with their babies.

yes, we do
It doesn't mean we don't also want to sleep through the night regularly, that we don't want to go for a walk./ run, or spend an afternoon baby free with friends, or go away for the weekend when we are comfortable everything is well and safe at home

Many of us are much better parents because we take a break. When you read all these poor women sobbing and at the end of everything because they are sleep deprived, never had a break and the baby is screaming non stop for hours and hours - do not dare come to tell me that taking a break is bad for either baby or mum.