Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

Not in regards to babies, but...

@BubblesandTiara

But why should the pre-baby version of a woman disappear?? And be replaced by someone who doesn’t blow dry their hair and goes bare faced and doesn’t care about all that??

@BubblesandTiara

i mean, if you didn’t feel good and confident going out without hair and makeup up done you’re not just gonna miraculously start feeling happy to go out without these things being done just because you’ve given birth. If anything you’re gonna want to do your hair and make up more in the wake of post partum body changes!

@weusedtobeapropercountry

sorry meant to tag you instead

@weusedtobeapropercountry

OP is clearly trying to get us all on board though.
We have no idea what his job is.
Interestingly, Op hasn't come back and said that he is in a role that doesn't, or shouldn't need anyone to work late - he could work in hospitality, a 24 hour funeral director, a 24 hour roadside assistance mechanic, chef, bouncer, bar owner, a business that does a lot of business with American markets, or hundreds of other jobs that do entail working past midnight.

But he has only had 5 hours sleep and is going to have the baby all week-end. Give him a bit of slack. What do you need to do anyway, apart from brush your hair and maybe put on a little make-up because of course you packed your bag yesterday?
I'm not suggesting it's in any way heroic he is looking after the baby, but it's unreasonable to ask him to do it while you brush your hair, really. Sit down together, let him doze, have some coffee and chill.

My apologies for misunderstanding you 😞

I should know better than to go in with a totally knee jerk reaction. It's just so disheartening to constantly see the insidiousness of it in the way women treat other women.

@Grammarnut

i need to air wrap my hair for it to look nice. I would want to do that for a weekend away

And that takes several hours? I'm team DH, I think. Put baby in a sling. The feminist in me says that all this titivating is giving in to capitalist consumerism and should be avoided, but you probably won't agree! 😄

Because that's life. That's growth and change.

Pregnancy and motherhood changes a woman at every level, from the cellular all the way up to the neurological. Fighting this fact generally leads to misery. Better to embrace it, and trust that the important bits of you are not actually lost, and the stuff you miss (the spontaneity, being able to gallivant off for days at a time) - it all comes back around in due course.

Or you know, fight it. Have that weekend away from a 5mo baby. Push for EXTRA hours away from said baby. These are totally opposite to normal mammalian behaviours, but whatever. Each mother ultimately has to decide what's right for her and her baby.

@weusedtobeapropercountry

i know loads of mother who still make time for themselves - who are into hair and makeup and do it daily, who still value their friendships and go on weekends away etc. they’ve always liked makeup, for years, and always wore it. So having a baby really doesn’t serve as a magic wand that completely diminishes that interest.

some women are happy to change and some aren’t, the former aren’t better mothers than the latter.

No. I got home and wanted to spend time with my kid. Partner then got on with our dinner while I either breastfed in early days, did the bath and bedtime then had dinner and then opened laptop to do work til midnight. You don’t get to have time off from parenting just because you’ve been at work all day and have something dangling between your legs.

The mums who devote their time and energy to their babies aren’t better mothers than those who are more interested in beautification and weekends away from very young babies?

Obviously once you've finished work you don't get time off from parenting, I can't even see where anybody has said that. You also don't get time off from your children to mentally prepare yourself for a weekend away, but that's me sticking to the actual subject unlike so many people on this thread

@Terfarina

its all about balance! I bet Op doesn’t go away every weekend. But sometimes she does, and that’s fine! Actually some time away for yourself and away from baby is good for your mental health and actually likely to make you a better mum in the long run. Happy mum = happy baby 😀

Nobody said you can't "make time for yourself". You absolutely should. That doesn't have to mean days at a stretch away from an infant who is likely not even on solid food yet. You start off small while they are small. This is common sense, or it should be. It's embarrassing having to spell it out. Maybe you're just looking for a row? Tell you what, why don't you look at any other mammal, literally any, and see how many of them leave their babies for days at a time.

There is no sense clinging to how things were before. If you've got a baby, you ARE going to need to get ready around that baby. Even if dad is awake and willing to take the sproggle off your hands, chances are even that kiddo will squawk for mum anyway, because some babies just do that. As a mother of a young baby, yes, you are going to have less time for yourself. Sometimes "doing your hair" is going to mean "brushing it". This is just the reality of life with a baby. If you can't accept that kids change your life, don't have them. The good news is that it is temporary. It's easy to forget that, and to worry that the days when you could spend ages fannying about with your hair are gone forever. Rest assured they're not.