Who should have been responsible for baby in this situation?

[Peachepan]

I’m a first time mum to a 5 month old. It’s 7 am and I was getting ready for my fist weekend away to a European city with a friend:

I woke up early as I wanted to put in a bit of effort with my hair and make up. So I gave myself plenty of time.

Baby had been fed. Dog had been let out and fed too. I told dh you’ve got him [the baby] now. Dh points out you’re not due to leave for a few hours. So I should be the one with the baby. In a sling he suggests.

Fo context, Dh got home very late from work (1:45 am). He’s a business owner. And a recovering workaholic who is having the baby for the whole weekend. He’s obviously not thrilled being tied down for a weekend but it’s only fair I get so me time. And he promised when we had the baby he would adjust his ways.

Anyway there was a lot of sniping. And I ended with the baby. It just really pissed me off. As I wanted a leisurely morning. I was anxious as I was leaving the baby, out in the world for the first time in ages, not feeling great about my body etc.

Should dh have been more helpful?

cant speak for others but in my case I mean as an older mum, I’d already done that chapter for a really long time, and now I’m excited by different things. If I’d had my children in my 20s I might still be yearning for all those experiences at the same time as caring for my children, but in my case I’ve had them already, I’ve finished partying for now and am enjoying different things. As an example Some people go to university at 18 then never think about studying agsin. Others go straight to work and at 30 decide they want to retrain and become a mature student. Neither is right or wrong thry are jyst different paths.

I don’t really understand why, with or without a baby, it requires a couple of hours to get ready to leave for a weekend, especially when you say the baby had already been fed, house was clean and presumably you had packed. I’m not sure pre-or post children it ever took me two hours to get ready in such a leisurely fashion. It’s not unreasonable to want to have a shower and do your make up, but surely we all left behind the multi-hour preparations when we hit our 20s?

I also don’t really understand how much looking after a five month old needed while all this was going on. Why did the baby need to be in a sling? If your husband had taken over as you wished, he would still have been in the house with the baby, probably sitting at the same breakfast table as you? Or were you expecting him to leave the house so you had to complete peace getting ready?

Hello, I'm not who you replied to but I thought I'd reply as I have a first with honours in my early childhood development degree! I know all about Bowlby, Maslow et al. The baby will be fine away from their mum for 2 days. Yes maternal depravation is detrimental to a baby's brain and development, but this isn't forever it's a weekend. This will give baby and dad a great chance to bond (which they should already have a decent bond by 5 months anyway).

His relationship with the baby is important too, and a secure relationship with both caregivers is exactly what could be the outcome here. Giving mum a break to recharge so she can be a mentally capable parent and giving Dad one to one time that he likely lacks due to his work schedule.

I think YANBU

I remember this well from when mine were small- the lack of any opportunity to get ready for things. It really sucks. Especially as society expects alot more from women in terms of presentation.

I think he should have been in charge of the baby.

What kind of bizarrely easy, placed babies did you have? My mind boggles at what life would have been like with babies who would do this, except I can’t think it would be positive thing for them to just be put in a bassinet etc to “kick about” for large sections of the day.

Mine very rarely stayed lying happily anywhere during their waking hours. DS maybe for short periods, DD pretty much never! (Pay off - she’s now 17 and has been an incredibly easy teenager to parent!)

Your baby should not be watching cartoons so this is hardly great parenting either

It depends on whether he had the choice not to be home before 2am?

I'm curious why you can't support OP?

You understand formula fed babies still require feeding every 3 hours yes? And most FF mums don’t just bring them into bed with them - they have to get up and make the bottles etc. So less of the jealousy/bitterness towards FF babies and their mums!

Might be a different story if you didn’t have the option of going to your parents who would
presumably help you with DD over the weekend- vastly different circumstances to being solely responsible for a 5 month old with potentially no support (not suggesting OP said this but you can’t just assume everyone has parents nearby/willing to support)

Next time leave the house earlier and do your hair and makeup somewhere else between the house and where you're going. The gym, leisure centre, your friends, your mum's, the car.

I've learned the hard way to put a buffer in

I have 3 dc and a busy job and go out, and I really value time to get ready and especially when going away - when the dc are there they take up 80% of my brain and I really need to work to focus on what I need and if I have everything. I’d expect time from my husband supporting me to go away to include that- it’s not really support from him if the only time he will parent is if I’m physically not there.

I thought the same. There is no way my 5 month old would have sat there for 2 hours while i leisurely did my hair and got ready for a trip. Even taking a shower required very careful planning, timing, and choice of toys, to give me the 60 seconds I needed to do something as basic as showering.

Yes maternal depravation is detrimental to a baby's brain and development, but this isn't forever it's a weekend.

Hilarious typo here given the context.

I think YABU. he hadn't had a lot of sleep getting in late from work, and you don't actually need a few hours to get ready. I don't think doing your hair and makeup alone was more important than his sleep. I think if either parent is about to take a weekend away as time for themselves, they should do a bit extra before they go to allow the other parent a bit of rest before they do all the parenting alone.

Because he’s the one that spends every waking moment with the baby whilst the wife does everything she can to avoid having to parent?
if not, it’s a stupid comparison and clearly irrelevant 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know why the rampant internalised misogyny on here is still able to surprise me

Usually internalised misogyny = 'women who have the cheek to disagree with me'.

What would happen if you just put the baby in its bouncer and left it there for a few mins? Would anything bad happen if it cried for a minute or two?

Not being facetious. Just wondering if it's now seen as bad for its development or something if it's not attended to immediately? There used to be a parenting style where you deliberately let it cry didn't there? I'm guessing to counteract the expectation that you'll come running when it cries.

Like how they advise to not immediately drop some pets if they nip you as they start to think this is the way to get you to put them down.

Supporting someone doesen't mean making up things about the other person, you can support someone without making assumption the other is sabotaging. I supported her when others say she shouldn't be away from her baby, but in this situation, I do not agree with her. So I won't say she is right if I don't feel she is right and this is the point of posting, getting different perspectives not molly-coddling for the sake of it. However, I did not call her names and did not judge her, I don't even think I told her I don't agree directly either. So there's that.

Baby is 5 months old for goodness sakes id see a doctor honestly baby blues lasts a few days after birth this is ppd . Your dp finished work at 2 am you could of let him sleep 5 month olds generally sleep alot anyway so plenty of time to do hair and make up you're definitely being unreasonable.

Yes its bad for development baby's cry for a reason and those needs should always be met . Imagine feeling sad scared, alone or upset and the person closest to you told you to go sit in another room and sort yourself out .
Soothing babies when they cry helps with attachment and bonds leaving them to cry can cause anxious detached adults and the high stress levels can damage brain development. Babies dont learn to self soothe they just realise no one will come and that's awful

This is a good idea! Take yourself to somewhere peaceful, OP and do hair and makeup there!

@Phoenixfire1988

you think OP needs to see a doctor because she wants a bit of time for shower , hair and makeup before going on a weekend away?? No creditable doctor is going to pathologise that very ordinary behaviour

Unfortunately this is part of parenthood! I’d have washed hair and done what I could toward getting myself ready the night before. Night out, weekend away, work or even a day out with the kids means way less time to yourself for getting ready now you are a parent unfortunately.